News in Brief #9

9am Club Condemn Return of John Smiths

"Yay! No prising off the fonts and reprinting the menus!"

Following the announcement that JD Wetherspoons have made up with Heineken, the former early morning smooth drinking stalwarts have been surprisingly up in arms at the news.

"When we were told by the Team Leader one Tuesday that the Smiths had run out," said disgruntled lark alcoholic Bob Cirrhosis " and we were distraught. 'What are we gonna drink now?' Lager is too fizzy and Ruddles has too much flavour.  Then we were offered a coffee as consolation and our lives were transformed."

"Now me any my mates meet here at Spoons for a triple mocha skinny latte and brioche muffin every morning.  Now we hear the Smooth is back. We're going to have to change our routine again."

"It's as if the bastards are playing with our affections"

Tryanuary Only for "Right People and Things"

We'll vet you for coolness beforehand

Crafty Hipster promoted desperate winter trade increase attempt "Tryanuary" started this week. The idea is to drink a new beer every day for each day of the 31 in January.

Inveterate publicicity hound and entirely-coincidental microbrewery owner Julian Spargebucket Facebooked yesterday "Yes, it's true. We want people to try new things. But we heard older people were trying boring brown bitters and golden ales. That's not the point, guys! We want young people drinking microcraftbrewery beers. I mean, get with the programme and do the right things, man."

Sam Nocustom, an owner of a bar deserted post-Xmas told us "Eh? Tryanuary? What's that?"

Old People Encouraged to "Go to Pub"

Men in pub circa 1953. Mudgie is the young one

Following reports that elderly men are lonely, professional nostalgist and tide-retreater Mudgie Mudgington has started a campaign to get them down the pub for companionship.

"It's true that today's codgers don't want to be seen doing what yesterday's codgers did. After all, now there's Countdown and Cash In The Attic, which are less effort that going down to the local for a pint of mild and dominoes.  But I think destroying your brain with pints of best is much more preferable than destroying it with daytime TV."

"To be honest,  it's me who wants the company really. This Sam Smiths is so piss weak that even 6 pints in an afternoon doesn't make the pub cat seem to converse with me."