News in Brief #13

"I do these things so you don't have to"

John Snow Investigates Beer Phenomenon

"In my day, beer was brown stuff that you drank at lunch to get you a bit tiddly, but nowadays young people can buy strong beer that contains as much as ten times the amount of hops that beer had 40 years ago."

Under careful medical supervision, I drank four bottles of Hopfuck that  had been procured for the test.  After only two bottles, my mouth shrivelled up and I could no longer open my eyes.  I just about managed the fourth before I passed out, that phrase "More IBUs, man" running through my head on an endless loop."

When I woke up, I felt dizzy and nauseous.  I also found I had grown an immense bushy beard and gained sleeve tattoos under my lumberjack shirt.  I realised then that today's 'craft' beer is a menace and nothing like what we had in the old days."

Crafty Bishop logo (1st draft)

New Craft Brewery Opens

Bury St. Edmunds may not currently be associated with craft beer, but from henceforth it will be, with today's announcement that the new Crafty Bishop Brewery will be open for business in April.

Annie Roonand, head brewer, told the world in a press release "This part of the world has been crying out for Crafted Cask Ales Brewed With Excellence, and so we at Crafty Bishop will be giving local drinkers the opportunity to taste our new Craft Beers. For example, we have 'Old Heckled Spen', a full flavoured hoppy brown ale and 'Cuddles Rounty' a traditional beer with a modern twist for the younger drinker.

We asked the obvious question on Twitter, but apparently any resemblance, and indeed connection, with other nearby breweries is entirely coincidental.

Protecting the consumer from high prices. Or maybe just from the active membership

CAMRA Calls for Beer Duty Rise

In a stunning turnaround, The Campaign for Real Ale have petitioned Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne to raise beer duty by 20p in the next budget.

Asked to explain, Chairman Colin Valentine admitted " We're the CAMPAIGN for Real Ale, right? So what happens if we achieve all our objectives? What will we do then? Our members are already muttering about the lack of actual activity here in St. Albans. So, we implore Mr Osborne to raise the tax on beer. Give us something to do!"

"It's either that," he continued "or we disband. And would you really want the average CAMRA member roaming the pubs sad, lonely , and with no purpose? Do you?"