News in Brief #14

Potteries Proclaimed Next Beer Destination

Formerly appalling postindustrial hellhole Stoke-on-Trent has become the new place to go for exciting beer times, or so says local brewery owner, Titanic's Keith Bott.

"We have the money here to support Craft beer in Stoke. I hear there are at least two people in Hartshill who earn more then £15,000 a year. Are they C1s or C2s? Who knows?  What with cheap property prices, the hipsters will soon be here with their beards and tattoos as well."  

With increasingly desperation Bott continued "Fenton even has a Wetherspoons, you know.  I think they do craft.  We've asked the local free houses to put in a keg font for our nitro stout. That should start the Craft revolution here."

When told about this former pot bank transfer-applier Arnold Bloor muttered over his half of Ansell's Mild "Craft? Nee nayd to get a reet cob on, duck."

"Oooh! I hide my wine in the baby's bottle too!"

Starbucks To Start Serving Coffee

With the recent news that Tax Avoidance/Beverage company Starbucks is to start serving alcoholic drinks at its establishments, further range expansion plans have been revealed.

"I know people will be surprised by this move," wittered CEO Roger Dodd-Pigott "by from May we will be serving 'coffee'.  Apparently, it's a new thing that people have been adding to their frothy warm milk every morning.   Anecdotal evidence suggests that this infusion of ground beans gives the drinker the energy needed to get through a day of tedious nonsense.  As someone who spends my day with tax accountants and HMRC, I myself can see the advantages."

We asked around at a Starbucks about the anticipated success of 'coffee'. "We can't see it catching on here." said twin pushchair mover Artemisia Floraldress.

"I think we'll stick to Pinot Grigio for breakfast like we always have."

They're here, they're loud, and their GP prospects are poor

Working Class Person Enters Pub

The impossible was achieved yesterday when both CAMRA and the Crafty Hipster community agreed on something. Namely the problem of working class people in pubs.

"Whereas my colleague and I disagree on almost everything about beer and pubs," said local CAMRA branch treasurer Greg Steakbake "neither us want poor people cluttering up our favoured places swilling down pints of yellow fizz."

Nineteenth-century woodsman appearance affecter Josh Fixedgear continued "It's true. If you let these people in and allow them to consume macro lager, then who knows what will happen. They'll probably start laughing and shouting and singing. We won't be able to hear our delightfully obscure playlist."

Steakbake tipsily rambled on "The sooner these people are priced out with £3.50 real ale (" And £6 craft keg!" interrupted Fixedgear) the better, before our favoured watering holes become a morass of earrings and tracksuit bottoms."

The working classes were unavailable for comment, as they were watching Sky Sports at home with a slab of Carling.