News in Brief #15

Only need one 14 times as big!

Landlords Celebrate Beer Duty Reduction

George Osborne's budget which, amongst other things, reduced the tax on beer by 1p was greeted with mass jubilation by pub proprietors across the nation. Already, they are planning their next move.

Landlord stereotype Barry Shortmeasure extolled this decision to the hills to us. "This is absolutely wonderful? The government has listened to us and gone a long way to making the pub trade more viable, and preserved an important community institution."

"Of course, I won't be passing the saving on. I'm going to introduce a Caffe Nero-style loyalty card. Buy one pint and get a stamp. With 330 stamps on it, you get a free pint"

"I could use this tax cut to improve the lot of the customer, but I'm sure that's not what George meant."

You could eat your food off it

Hipster 'Dining Experience' Has Roof Replaced

The Procrastinating Weasel, a hangout for obscurantists whom you know are better than you, you mainstream idiot, has finally had it's ongoing refurbishment completed.  "We know it's not even what our oh-so-hip clientele are expecting!" blabbered owner Crispin Sleevetattoo.

"Our roof has been slatted with 850 fine China plates, which are held in place by the finest vintage stainless steel Sheffield cutlery.  We even insisted on the air vents being made of Formica teatrays for extra edginess!"

"Of course," he continued with barely concealed mock-sadness "this means our diners will have to eat face first off the floor, but that's all part of the experience. Man."

Average shop, yesterday

Craft Beer Now Bought By Apparently Everyone

The Office Of National Statistics has produced it's Average Shopping Basket to depict what the average British consumer is buying.  For the first time, Craft Beer is included.

"It's true a lot of craft beer was bought by the people we got the stats from," exclaimed entirely-necessary statistician Tarquin Policywonk "we can't think how this could have happened as so-called mainstream beer outsells the craft at least 4-to-1 in most areas."

In other news, trendy London dwellers Chris Hall and Matt Curtis, who allegedly buy little else but Craft Beer, deny influencing or skewing any statistics whatsoever, honest guv.