News in Brief #18

The view from inside. Keeps pesky unwanted types away

Pub Refurb Meets Campaigner Standard

Nineteen Fifties dwelling Canute figure Mudgie Mudgington this week put his seal of approval on the recent refurbishment of the Bull & Bottle, Cheadle Hulme. "It's nice to see, for once, a sympathetic redecoration of a traditional pub." he said to his possibly imaginary legion of acolytes.

The formerly open pub interior has been subdivided into 27 separate rooms, all painted dark brown and furnished with a bench seat and a small wooden table. "All the better for quietly reading the Telegraph on a Tuesday afternoon with a pint of best" says Mudgie.

The pub now also has a strictly no-families and no-music policy. However, an infinite number of cats are allowed. We couldn't help noticing, though, that Mudgie himself had been the only customer all day.

"That's quite alright" he burbled "I hear Home Bargains are looking to buy the place next year."

"The beer will be even cheaper then."

Easier to get to than Aberdeen, anyway

BrewDog Looking to Buy Country

Self-aggrandising sellers of fizzy hop water BrewDog announced their 6th expansion plan of the week to their hordes of willing suckers Equity Punks.

James Watt proclaimed in his usual modest manner "Yes, we're presently in negotiation to buy one of the smaller European countries. Maybe Liechtenstein or Andorra. When that goes through, we intend to turn it into a Craft Beer Paradise."

This will involve changes in the State's infrastructure "We intend for all houses to have hot and cold running Punk IPA." wittered Watty "All the agricultural land will be turned into hop gardens, and the restaurants will serve nothing but pulled pork and artisan pizza. Maybe artisan pulled pork pizza too. Flat caps will be incorporated into the national costume."

Asked whether a mid-size craft brewery had any expertise in administering a country, James reassured us "Thankfully, many of our staff have experience in running governmental organisations, so we don't for see any problems there"

"Though that's the reason they left those jobs to work for a brewery. But that's business, I mean, the path to Craft Enlightenment."

"What do you mean you don't think I drank this stuff before 2010?"

UKIP Announces Policy For Pubs

As Election Apathy Fever sweeps the nation, the sole acceptable face of the UK Independence Party Nigel Farage revealed his plans to save the pub industry from its ever increasing spiral of decline.

"It's true we've announced that we intend to allow pubs to install smoking rooms for the benefit of their patrons," handwaved the former City Trader and self-appointed man of the people "but after further discussion, we realised it didn't go far enough in the cause of freedom."

"We at UKIP propose to allow publicans to set aside a room for the use of heroin and crack cocaine.  There's no evidence I can find that use of these items present a threat to the health of either staff or other pubgoers."

"As these things don't come from the Continent, it means they're OK." he continued entirely non-prejudicially "The USA and Afghanistan are important trading partners of ours."

"And if you don't agree, you can go and live in Brussels with those meddling Eurocrats".