News In Brief #7

Beer Wins Award

Important, unique and totally above board

In a beer judging competition somewhere, some beer or other has won some kind of award.

Up against several other beers, this beer was deemed the best.  All the judges agreed this beer was the finest one in that particular competition. True to it's style, whatever that was, it was deemed to be one of the greatest beers ever produced by it's country. Wherever that was.

The beer's brewer said after receiving the award "My beer winning this award proves that all is well with brewing. As long as all beers win awards it means all beers are award-winning."

Convenience Store Planned Closure

Soon to be a home for beards of all descriptions

Residents of Offerton near Stockport are up in arms about the proposed conversion of their Sainsburys Local into a Public House.

Local entrepreneur Bob Flybynight said "What with the new beer tie and rent law and everything I've worked out it's actually financially viable to run a pub now. It is, isn't it? Right?"

Protesting housewife Jane Downton-Abbey begged to differ "This decision is absolutely horrifying. I meet all my friends at the bakery section in Sainsburys. It's too ghastly to think this space will be taken up with beer drinkers."

Local pub blogger Curmudgeon was asked to comment and told us "It's what the market wants. So that's OK, then."

Sparkler Spotted In London

Proper Southern pint, that knows

On a trip to Bermondsey last week, visiting Northerner Albert Heckmondwikethwaite ordered a pint of Ilkley Pale in The Dangling Frog and was shocked when he received it.

"I looked at it and knew summat wasn't right. Then I realised. It had a bloody head on it. I mean, bloody hell, I travel all this way to get a flat, foam free London pint and they bloody well give me this. It's not on."

Dangling Frog barman Hector Usedvinyl said "It's a Northern beer and he's a Northerner. I thought they did that sort of thing there?"

Sparkler Evangelist Tandleman announced "Och, the reason why nobody has any sparklers in London is because I own them all. I NEED them."