News in Brief #26

"She must be late due to traffic."

Stood-Up Man Not Leaving

In a pub just now, a single man whose date has not turned up is looking for ways to hide his predicament and delay the inevitable.

Dave Desperate, 38, made an arrangement to meet Linda Nonchalant, a co-worker at Burnham Plastics, at the Marquess of Granby public house, Bromley. But she has not appeared, despite Dave waiting 2 hours past the agreed time.

"No," he protested "I always buy two drinks at once. It saves me getting up and ordering again." as he pulled up his seat two inches closer to the bar.

Ordering a packet of dry roasted, he proclaimed "No, I don't want anything else. I'll be eating later. Maybe."

"I only look sad because it's how my face always is. Another pint and a half of lager, please."

Ask a Scotsman

London Pubs Now Serving Tennents

Due to complaints in certain quarters about the poor quality of cask beer in the capital, all London pubs have placed large orders for 18-gallon kegs of Tennents Lager.

"I don't think your average Londoner has got the hang of this real ale thing yet," complained John Warmenflat, landlord of the Robb Dogg, Farringdon. "We've decided on Tennents as it's unfamiliar to most of our local drinkers who usually have Carlsberg."

"We can sell it at a £1.50 premium as an exotic world Lager." said John, wearing the skin off his hands as he rubbed them together.

Frequent visitor to London, Scotsman Hamish McTand said "Och, well I always drink the lager here anyway.  And the gin. Through a sparkler, o'course."

"Totally tasteless! Appropriate!"

Japanese Brewer Makes Commemorative Beer

Hiroshima brewer Maki Biru this week announced the will be making a special beer marking the tragic events in Cumbria 5 years ago.

Head Brewer Aguri Katayama told us "Like all my fellow Japanese, we at Maki were shocked and appalled by the gun rampage of Derrick Bird in 2010. We in this city have known tragedy too"

"We have decided to produce a special brew, Whitehaven Massacre to express our sorrow at this anniversary." extolled Katayama-san "It's an Imperial IPA with blood orange and a pinch of cordite. I've looked it up on Wikipedia, and now know how a shooting such as this affects a small community."

Asked if this seemed a bit tasteless and insensitive, what with flogging a beer using a tragedy, Aguri told us "It's ok. It was a long way away and a long while ago. And I'm not likely to meet anyone directly affected by Mr. Bird's murders."

"So that's all right then".