Insert "Genus : Castor" Pun Here

Hello?  Has everything calmed down yet?  Craft beer survived despite the torrents of shelf-removed and drainpoured beer? Ok.  So, now we can get some kind of perspective on the whole "Beavertown Sold Out To Heineken" issue.  Right?

Ok then.

To the disappointed ideological Crafties, yeah, it's one less brewery to choose from.  But London alone has over 100 of the things now.  There's a beer for you right down your street at the local bottle shop or craft bar, and it won't be owned by Big Beer.  To the people saying that Beavertown was overpriced, cloudy, vegetal-tasting sludge, well, Wetherspoons awaits you.

The problem is with this kind of issue is that people take it personally.  For some reason, a lot of people have made an emotional investment in Logan Plant and his beer factory.  Despite the history of "edgy", "unique" and "game changing" ethical companies all selling out in the end.  Read the history of Green & Blacks (sold to Cadbury plc. in 2005), Innocent Smoothies (sold to Coca Cola in 2009) and Pukka Tea (sold to Unilever in 2017).  This stuff isn't new.

Had Mr. Plant told the likely story behind his brewery's founding in 2011 (as opposed to the"stories" the Beer Communicators want us to believe), would have gone something like this :

"Well, I heard Craft Beer was going to be big in the next few years.  So I got some seed funding and investors together to form a company which had targeted growth and projected market penetration in the sector, with a view to selling the company to the most suitable bidder once a certain level of turnover had been reached"

This is probably closer to the truth than the usual guff about the "Evils" of "Big Beer" we generally hear from Craft Brewers, but how would it have gone down with his brewery's intended market - young, ethically aware, anti-big capital etc?  Right.  They wouldn't have touched Beavertown beer with a 90-foot mash paddle.  They would've thought "The Led Zep dude's son is trying to rip us off, just like his dad did with Willie Dixon."

Logan Plant is a businessman.  No more, no less.  He will say or do whatever it takes, within reason and legality, at any given time to grow his company and its profits.  The fact that other people think he's betraying some kind of Craft Brotherhood by "selling out" is no fault of his.

Rumbled Lows

Insert jokes  about AB-InBev having Jasper over a barrel here

I suppose everyone has done, or will be doing, their Review of the Year. I'm sure you'd all be fascinated about what beer and breweries I like, how much Evil Keg I've drunk, and how many Bloggers and Tweeters I've offended this year. But I won't be doing any of that.

Instead, I'll be concentrating on what I think the main trend of 2016 will be - The Final Rumbling of Craft Beer.

What with Camden and Meantime being bought up by big beer this year, and Meantime being flogged off again in a few months, it could be said that we're entering the next phase of the beer market. Now at around 1500 breweries in the UK some consolidation will undoubtedly take place, be it acquisitions and mergers, or simply winding-ups when the people behind them find a brewery unable to pay its way.

And this is where Craft will be Rumbled. Being small businesses, Craft breweries cannot use the marketing techniques of AB-InBev or Heineken. Instead, they try to be your friend. They reply to your tweets and FBs personally, the Head Brewer talks to you at Meet The Brewer events, and Bloggers may get 'with compliments' bottles delivered to their home.

Let's be clear about this. It's unlikely breweries are doing this because they love you and think you're a great person. No, this is what they do to get their company name 'out there'. The actual quality of the beer is almost immaterial. Stuff will sell if the right people are seen drinking it, basically.

And with the selling off/big business 'investment' in Craft breweries, all this will now be exposed. Yes, they did just want your money, man. You will see plenty of tear-stained blog posts like this one from Matt Curtis crying about their favourite brewery being sold off and no longer being part of The Community.  Reading it, I thought "Well, what did you think it was all about, mate?"

Remember : A business is not your friend. It may not be as rapacious as a massive corporation, but in the end it exists to make money.  A brewery being nice to you is, in the end, just a different way of getting you to part with your money.

It'll be a harsh day when certain beer types realise this. But, in my opinion, not before time.

News in Brief #35

Yes, it's the PUBS that are to blame

Pub Staff Take Revenge for Mad Friday

This Monday, bar workers across the country used their last day off before Christmas to give everyone else the kind of grief they experienced from once-a-year pubgoers last week.

"I looked up this big stationery supplier on Google," chortled Alistair Smith of the Red Lion, Dewsbury "and made then talk me through every line of envelopes they stocked. Then after that, I asked for a size I knew they didn't do. When the poor sap at the end of the line told me this, I just hung up. Hilarious times."

Meanwhile, Katie Thompson from the Kings Arms, Devizes recounted "Me and the rest of the girls got slaughtered on Sambuca and went to the local supermarket for more. When we were refused the sale, we looked all hurt and asked the Checkout Manager where her 'Christmas Spirit' was. How we laughed!"

Blogger and defender of dubious causes Curt Mattis tweeted "These people keep everything going for the rest of the year, man. They have the right to do it. #awesome"

Probably not coming to a macro outlet near you soon

Craft Brewery Not Being Taken Over

Small town Industrial Unit-type Brewery Flower Garage this week denied they were considering being taken over by a major Brewing conglomerate. "I don't know," said head Brewer and owner Sam Happyenough "It doesn't seem to be really me somehow."

"I mean, I'm perfectly content making my four-beer range with my staff of two. I make a perfectly acceptable living doing what I do." rambled the despicably complacent brewer. "Do I really need a massive new brewery and a major supermarket presence to be fulfilled? I doubt it "

Happyenough continued in the foaming socialist manner of Jeremy Corbyn himself "If my brewery became part of a big company, what would happen to it? No doubt it would be OK for a while, but eventually business realities would bite and it would end up being economised on for the bottom line." We cut the interview off there, lest capitalist orthodoxy was traduced any more.

Right-wing realist and serial businessman Stonch reassured us "Howay man! Not in it for money? Money's lush, man. Divvent gan there with me."

Everyone loves them. Or else.

Xmas Beer Loved By Everyone

Beer drinkers everywhere this week have been cracking open those special Christmas ales they've spent the month buying and otherwise ignoring.

Domestic Ale consumer Bob Homeboozer cracked open his bottle of 10.5% Lehybison's Winter Ale and burbled "Eee, this is grand. I really love the dark treacly taste. And it's almost as thick, too. Takes a bit of swallowing, but I'm sure I won't feel nauseated after half of it."

Crafty hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt meanwhile was working his way through a case of cans of Random Brick Spiced Chocolate IPA. "It's awesome, man" bibbled Luke "and doesn't taste like they just bunged in the contents of the spice rack and a bar of Lindt 99%"

In the pubs, the local's regulars were equally enthusiastic. "This Christmas Ale is fantastic!" shouted functional alcoholic Bob Barfly "and certainly doesn't taste like the brewer has just put more caramel in the bitter to make it darker."

"I mean, look at the pumpclip. It has a reindeer and a Santa on it. What could be more true to the meaning of Christmas than that?"

News in Brief #34

Who needs a profit margin!

Brewer Possibly Not Ending Cask Beer Production

Sometime Brewer and desperate East Cumbrian beer huckster Bob Motte this week endlessly equivocated about whether to abandon his real Ale production line.

"Weeeeel," he said "we've been really committed to our cask beer over the last eight years but the market is dominated by other breweries churning out the stuff brewed down to a price rather than up to a quality."

"We'd make so much more money by switching to keg only. And putting it into bottles where we can sell the sediment as part of the price of a 330 ml rather than the pubs chucking it and claiming it back from me." he continued as if trying to convince people about something he'd already made his mind up on.

We asked Bob that, if he put it like that, why not just ditch the Real Ale as it seemed like a no-brainer. "Oh no, I can't. I have a load of orders from CAMRA Festivals over the next year."

"They always order what I consider to be the wrong beer. But their money's as good as anyone else's "

Hot and filthy furniture action

Pub Table Goes Unmolested All Day

Shocking news has emerged from the Cat & Tractor, a busy pub in Shrewsbury town centre. Upon tidying up after closing time, the pub staff found the furniture in exactly the same places as they were on opening at midday.

Four-legged square table Woody Flatsurface  complained "I've been stuck in this spot all day. It's as if nobody cares."

"Generally, hordes of idiot students come in and shove me up against that well fit circular bar table over there and spend hours nudging me up against it while consuming halves of Guinness as slowly as possible."

"And then afterwards I get roughly handled back into my original place three yards away. But today all I had was old codgers dumping their Smooth and Daily Mirror on me in between buggering off for a piss."

"My life is pretty boring." whinged Woody "Being grabbed, held and pushed is pretty much the only excitement I get."

Yeah, but it's not for the likes of you

Beer Communicator Says Takeovers Good Thing

Storyteller and Positivity Merchant Curt Mattis this week blogged that, yeah, maybe, this massive drinks companies buying up Craft breweries stuff  is a good thing after all.

"I was at this Macrobrewery-paid event," burbled Mattis "and was given this IPA from a micro they'd taken over. Of course it was nowhere near as a good as it used to be, but it was better than the alternatives I was offered."

"I drank it, if course, and maybe a few of those barrel aged Stouts they do. As I looked round the hall at my fellow Awesome Beer People, I had, like, this massive revelation. Maybe these buyouts of microbreweries by the big boys is a good thing after all "

"Put it like this," emphasised Curty "if big beer hadn't taken over this brewery, there wouldn't be events like this, and I wouldn't get this complimentary hospitality and free stuff. It's great!"

"The regular beers normal people buy won't be as good, of course. But I'll get to try the good stuff they can't afford. It's a win-win."

"Or something."