Wanted?

Once Cathy Price had visited, there was no reason to stay open

A common complaint of the, shall we say, more senior of the pub commerariat is that "Pub Culture" is dying. Hundreds of them close every year, and the amount of drinks sold in the on-trade has been decreasing for over two decades. Some will blame the smoking ban, some high prices and others an aging demographic.

But most likely the reason is this : Most people don't want pubs anymore.

The reasons for the current density of pubs in towns and cities areas are many, and lie mainly in the 19th Century. Then, Britain had an increasingly large urban population, brewers that could turn out large amounts of palatable beer, and a much more relaxed attitude to alcohol consumption than we see today. Then as now, running a pub wasn't exactly the path to riches, but it did provide a reasonable living.

Over the last 50 years, many things have changed. Some for the better and some for the worse. But the main thing is the growth in media and communications technology. Back in the 1940s and 1950s, most people had to rely on other people for entertainment. The pub was where you found people, and many pints were sunk every night in between tellings of tales of decreasing veracity.  And that was good, everyone got well socialised and they were used to the alcohol consumption.   But then people bought their first TV, and the pub had competition.

Of course, now we have a media world people in the 1960s would barely comprehend. Facebook, YouTube, Skype, thousands of TV channels, all the music ever recorded just a click away. Not to mention the streaming internet porn. These provide most of the stimulation most humans will ever want, and they don't even need to leave the house. Who needs the pub, or even other people?

Ever since the 1980s, society has become ever more atomised, solipsistic and even misanthropic. A partner and a couple of friends are typically what most people use for face-to-face socialisation. And what partner would put up with their other half spending most of their evenings in the pub? (Ironically this is probably behind the ever increasing divorce rate - couples spending too much time together). People now live vicariously, through a phone screen and apps.

Something has been lost somewhere, undoubtedly. But people don't mind because they cannot miss what they've never had.  It's now entirely normal to spend evenings with Netflix and a bottle of wine, and not even to know your neighbours names.  I'm fairly sure that the increasingly poor behaviour and sense of entitlement amongst the human race today is a consequence of this. If you don't deal with people in real life on a regular basis, how would you ever learn what is and isn't acceptable?

The pub as a mass institution is probably dead now. Many of the ones that remain are mainly populated by oddballs (CAMRA types and Crafty hipsters both), misfits with no significant relationships, and bored alcoholics. Regular society has turned its back on the pub, as it's needs are being met elsewhere. There are probably too many pubs for it's current level of patronage to support, and plenty more will close before equilibrium is reached.

I will be sad when that day happens. As one of the aforementioned misfits, I'll probably still be drinking in them if I have the money and my internal organs hold up. But happen it will.

Sadly, it's what most people, through their behaviour, have indicated they want.

News in Brief #37

We don't need Beer and we're happy about it

Beer Fest Failure Blamed on New Limits

Last Saturday night, the 2016 Manchester Beery Fest closed with 85% of the beer still undrunk. The event's organisers have blamed new Government guidelines for the disappointing sales.

Deputy Fest Manager Hamish McTand sorrowfully recounted the four day disaster to us while tipping cask after cask into the River Irwell "Och, it looked guid when we let the bastards in on Wednesday afternoon. But after one pint, they all said 'Sorry, got tae go, as ah've had 2 units I'm allowed today'. It was awfy bad. We were empty by 6pm."

"Me and the rest of the volunteers would have finished the beer off," whispered McTand "But we'd blown our units quality checking. Intae the drain it goes, then."

Campaigner and freedom-wisher Mudgie Mudgington told us "Normally I'd spend all week condemning all involved on Twitter. But I picked up some cheap stuff at Home Bargains last week."

"Leave the house and go to Deansgate? Not bloody likely."

Coming soon to a pub near you. If you're really unlucky

Craft Fan Talks to People in Pub

"Oh, THAT beer? I saw it in the Bottle Cap in Southport last week. Much better kept of course. I'm friends with the owner. Great guy. Gives me lots of free samples of his strong stuff. What's that darling? He just wants rid of me? Pay no attention to her, she just doesn't like me drinking too much.

" Yeah, so me and the Bottle Cap's owner, Sam his name is, went on a tour of Random Brick down in London. Great times. Some people say their lager's no better than Foster's but they have a much better recipe. I'll give you one of my sample bottles they gave me next time you're in. You'll be able to tell the difference right?

"Tell you want, I'll have another pint of that Imperial IPA and a taster for my new friend, please Dave. What's that, darling? I've had enough today? I'll be the judge of that, darling. We'll talk about this when we we get home.

" Take no notice of her. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, you can really taste the Soriachi Ace hops in this, man. Sorry, man? Untappd says it's 100% Willamette?.... "

Diversity for the diverse, man

Bar Enacts Diversity Policy

Camden-located Hipster hangout The Bifurcating Bonobo last week congratulated itself in it's efforts to increase the diversity of it's patrons. Worried that it was gaining a reputation as a place exclusively for middle-class university-educated young white men, manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to change things.

"I was worried," confided Luke "that the drinks offer of beer at £6 for 2/3rds of a pint may not entice the working classes into my establishment. So I bought a case of Corona and stuck it in the bottom corner of the fridge. I heard the lower orders always look down so as to be humble in front of their betters."

Luke continued "Also knowing our entertainment offering of retro boardgames would be of little interest to them, I set up a TV in the backroom streaming episodes of Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother. I hear they're rapt by these things."

"In any event, it'll save me having to talk to them. I mean, what would I actually say to the working classes? It's embarrassing.  Hopefully they'll leave once we've taken a few photos to prove we're not a poncy, snob-filled place and put them on Twitter."

Communicator and passive-aggresivist Curt Mattis ranted upon hearing this news "It was me what started all this wasn't it? I'll take credit for it here, but delete my name off all subtweets on this #thanxkbye"

Professionalism, or The Role of the Blogger

Beer Bloggers. Making things harder for Reasons

What with the prevalence of Higher Educational qualifications amongst the young in the 21st century, there's been an increasing tendency to take something relatively simple and analyse it to death in order to convince others that it's serious and worthy subject of study. The beer blog, most specifically the "beer communicator" style of blog, is the most obvious manifestation of this.

If, as Chris Hall says here, 2015 was the turning point in the world of beer Bloggery, with an increase in the quality of debate and the subjects being discussed, what of the "hobby blogger "? There are some blogs out there, and we know which they are, which the authors' intentions go "professional" are blatant. The ambition isn't just naked, it's stripped off in the stand and is running around the pitch with its cock waving about.

The blogs of the already professional beer writers, infrequent as they are due to commitments, can be filtered easily. These people have a living to make, and cannot be seen to be too critical, or overly engage their teeth to the feeding hand. These types tend to avoid specifics about producers or suppliers, unless they know for certain there'll be no comeback.

The "beer communicator' blog is different, and thus harder to judge. They need to get their writing and, more importantly, their intentions 'out there'.  Contacts need to be made, relationships built, so that interaction between communicator and producer is mutually beneficial. If not today, then at some point in the future.  Beer journalism, for want of a better term, pays buttons. What living there is is dependent on the largesse of bars and brewers. This is the thinking behind the oft-quoted quip "beer people are good people".  A simplification, yes, but a necessary one for the functioning of the breed.

I'm not suggesting the Beer Communicators are corrupted by freebies and contacts, more that this is a natural result of interacting with the Trade. As Charlie Brooker once said, it's easy to slag off TV shows and their makers from behind a newspaper column, but when you have your own production company these people become your peers. And what do you say to them at parties? Such is the dilemma of the Beer Communicator.

If you want honest, unvarnished opinions then you have to go to the dedicated amateur blog. These are done for a desire for attention, a need to show off knowledge, or maybe even for fun. They may not be polished, or even coherent. But what you will get is honest opinions. Even if they are wrong. Or worse, contrary to received opinion.  It's usually unfair to say they are " trolls". After all, one person's trolling is another's contrarianism. It's easy to cry "Troll!" if others disagree with you online. But unless it's personally insulting, it probably isn't.

The question I would ask is : Do you consider beer a way to enjoy yourself, or something serious that needs to cogitated, discussed, and generally taken apart? What is to be gained from this, and who will be doing the gaining?

Beer isn't that complicated, really. For what reasons should it be complicated?

News in Brief #36

But I made sure it was all from 3663 and everything

Pub Xmas Dinner Declared Edible

Christmas dining patrons and general lazy bastards at the Prince Octavius, Rotherham last week managed to consume nearly a whole plateful each of the pub's festive food offering.

Astonished landlord and Chef Barry Shortmeasure, "I did my best. I cooked the turkey to the texture of soggy wood, boiled the sprouts to ball-bearing hardness and made the 'cranberry' sauce out of vinegar, cochineal and gravy thickener."

"But I read on TripAdvisor on Boxing Day, and the punters rated it 'acceptable'. It's very dispiriting. I try my hardest to make my Xmas dinners inedible to minimise the number of covers and, most importantly, the work I have to do."

"The bastards will all be back next year now." cried Barry.

Local Health Inspector Martin Wipecleansurface told us "We at Environmental Standards were horrified by these reports. The last thing we want is people in pubs."

"We'll have them closed down in the New Year."

"I see it's got a CORK!"

Non-Alcoholic Drink Banned for Appealing to Kids

Overzealous busybody types Alcohol Concern this week condemned the makers of a Disney-licenced fruit juicedrink in a Champagne style bottle. "This is a terrible example of irresponsible marketing." exclaimed subsidised faux-charity type Vanessa Stickybeak.

"All those poor children will get this from their mums who shop at Home Bargains and think. 'This drink is nice. Maybe I'll try some of mummy's special juice drink when she's fallen asleep in front of the telly'."

"And what will happen then?" catastrophised Vanessa "I'll tell you, we'll have hundreds of drunken 10-year-olds roaming the streets, setting fire to dogs and cluttering up the pavements singing hip-hop songs about rape and murder."

13-year-old Jack Weede-Apathy countered, while necking MDMA and various legal highs and rolling his fourteenth spliff of the day "Booze? Why would I want that?"

"Isn't that what, like, really old people like Mum and Dad do?"

He'll never get his 5% surplus now

Brewery Owner Sacks God

Following the devastating floods in North Yorkshire, local despot and feudal Lord, Humphrey Smith of Samuel Smith Brewery, Tadcaster has again been on the rampage.

Heaven-based Judeo-Christian deity, God was dismissed from his position last Thursday by Mr.Smith. "I've been running this reality for over 8 billion years," complained God "And I've been turned out onto the street just like that."

"He turned up at St.Peter's Gates in his 2008 Vauxhall Astra, and shouted at me. Mr. Smith accused me of topping up the rivers well in excess of his guidelines. Then he slapped me with a £1 trillion surcharge for excess to compensate for the losses to his company."

"I've been sat in Purgatory for the last four days." complained God "I'm sure my contract says he can't do this, but Mr. Smith has yet to release a copy to my solicitor."

We asked Samuel Smith's Old Brewery to comment on the allegations, but as far have only received handwritten note saying "The Brewery does not comment on it's employment practices, but we're sure we can do what we like anyway. HRW Smith. Esq"

Rumbled Lows

Insert jokes  about AB-InBev having Jasper over a barrel here

I suppose everyone has done, or will be doing, their Review of the Year. I'm sure you'd all be fascinated about what beer and breweries I like, how much Evil Keg I've drunk, and how many Bloggers and Tweeters I've offended this year. But I won't be doing any of that.

Instead, I'll be concentrating on what I think the main trend of 2016 will be - The Final Rumbling of Craft Beer.

What with Camden and Meantime being bought up by big beer this year, and Meantime being flogged off again in a few months, it could be said that we're entering the next phase of the beer market. Now at around 1500 breweries in the UK some consolidation will undoubtedly take place, be it acquisitions and mergers, or simply winding-ups when the people behind them find a brewery unable to pay its way.

And this is where Craft will be Rumbled. Being small businesses, Craft breweries cannot use the marketing techniques of AB-InBev or Heineken. Instead, they try to be your friend. They reply to your tweets and FBs personally, the Head Brewer talks to you at Meet The Brewer events, and Bloggers may get 'with compliments' bottles delivered to their home.

Let's be clear about this. It's unlikely breweries are doing this because they love you and think you're a great person. No, this is what they do to get their company name 'out there'. The actual quality of the beer is almost immaterial. Stuff will sell if the right people are seen drinking it, basically.

And with the selling off/big business 'investment' in Craft breweries, all this will now be exposed. Yes, they did just want your money, man. You will see plenty of tear-stained blog posts like this one from Matt Curtis crying about their favourite brewery being sold off and no longer being part of The Community.  Reading it, I thought "Well, what did you think it was all about, mate?"

Remember : A business is not your friend. It may not be as rapacious as a massive corporation, but in the end it exists to make money.  A brewery being nice to you is, in the end, just a different way of getting you to part with your money.

It'll be a harsh day when certain beer types realise this. But, in my opinion, not before time.

News in Brief #35

Yes, it's the PUBS that are to blame

Pub Staff Take Revenge for Mad Friday

This Monday, bar workers across the country used their last day off before Christmas to give everyone else the kind of grief they experienced from once-a-year pubgoers last week.

"I looked up this big stationery supplier on Google," chortled Alistair Smith of the Red Lion, Dewsbury "and made then talk me through every line of envelopes they stocked. Then after that, I asked for a size I knew they didn't do. When the poor sap at the end of the line told me this, I just hung up. Hilarious times."

Meanwhile, Katie Thompson from the Kings Arms, Devizes recounted "Me and the rest of the girls got slaughtered on Sambuca and went to the local supermarket for more. When we were refused the sale, we looked all hurt and asked the Checkout Manager where her 'Christmas Spirit' was. How we laughed!"

Blogger and defender of dubious causes Curt Mattis tweeted "These people keep everything going for the rest of the year, man. They have the right to do it. #awesome"

Probably not coming to a macro outlet near you soon

Craft Brewery Not Being Taken Over

Small town Industrial Unit-type Brewery Flower Garage this week denied they were considering being taken over by a major Brewing conglomerate. "I don't know," said head Brewer and owner Sam Happyenough "It doesn't seem to be really me somehow."

"I mean, I'm perfectly content making my four-beer range with my staff of two. I make a perfectly acceptable living doing what I do." rambled the despicably complacent brewer. "Do I really need a massive new brewery and a major supermarket presence to be fulfilled? I doubt it "

Happyenough continued in the foaming socialist manner of Jeremy Corbyn himself "If my brewery became part of a big company, what would happen to it? No doubt it would be OK for a while, but eventually business realities would bite and it would end up being economised on for the bottom line." We cut the interview off there, lest capitalist orthodoxy was traduced any more.

Right-wing realist and serial businessman Stonch reassured us "Howay man! Not in it for money? Money's lush, man. Divvent gan there with me."

Everyone loves them. Or else.

Xmas Beer Loved By Everyone

Beer drinkers everywhere this week have been cracking open those special Christmas ales they've spent the month buying and otherwise ignoring.

Domestic Ale consumer Bob Homeboozer cracked open his bottle of 10.5% Lehybison's Winter Ale and burbled "Eee, this is grand. I really love the dark treacly taste. And it's almost as thick, too. Takes a bit of swallowing, but I'm sure I won't feel nauseated after half of it."

Crafty hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt meanwhile was working his way through a case of cans of Random Brick Spiced Chocolate IPA. "It's awesome, man" bibbled Luke "and doesn't taste like they just bunged in the contents of the spice rack and a bar of Lindt 99%"

In the pubs, the local's regulars were equally enthusiastic. "This Christmas Ale is fantastic!" shouted functional alcoholic Bob Barfly "and certainly doesn't taste like the brewer has just put more caramel in the bitter to make it darker."

"I mean, look at the pumpclip. It has a reindeer and a Santa on it. What could be more true to the meaning of Christmas than that?"

Guest Post - A Day in the Life of a Beer Communicator

Beer Communicators. Doing the hard work so you don't have to

Beer Communicators have been mentioned a lot recently. With the British Beer Writers awards naming it as an official award category, many people have been wondering what exactly a "Beer Communicator" is. Luckily, we here at Seeing The Lizards already know one of this esteemed breed. So, we've asked Simon Freebie-Imbiber to give us the lowdown on what this important sector of the Beer World gets up to.

"10.00am : Woke up with a killer hangover from last night's Craft Beer talk 'Takeovers : Threat, menace or opportunity?', but I'll carry on because I'm such a trooper. Made sure I tweeted saying so. One to Simon, I think.

12.30pm : Got involved in a Twitter argument about the terminology of my job. Apparently 'Beer Communicator' is self-regarding and pretentious, or so these haters say. Told them I was wonderful, and I know far more about it than they do. Then blocked them. Sorted.

3.30pm : First work of the day. Putting together a 'Freebie-Imbiber' box selection for a monthly beer club.  Worked out 10% commission on every one sold. Made sure I tweeted and FBd it. You know, just to make sure people are aware of my awesome choices.

6.00pm : At the local Craft Beer bar with various Brewing associates.  It's always good to go out with friends. Especially when they're buying the drinks!  One mate who owns a brewery even gave me a case of her latest IPA. 'You will mention my beer in your next column, after you've tried and liked it of course?' she said. I see no reason why not, myself.

9.00pm : Sat at the winner's table at the Beer Communicator's Awards Ceremony. Only the third this month too (note to self : have to improve this situation guys!).  The beer flowed, courtesy of the PR Company running it.  Pick up some glass thing. Silver Award or something. Am great, apparently. But everyone knew that already, duh!

11.45pm : Back home on the computer writing up today's events. Well, the Public have to be kept aware of the News that's going on, right? And if I have to drink pint after pint of free beer, then it's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make. Yes, it's a hard life as a Beer Communicator. "