News in Brief #5

Close Relatives Planning To Buy You Terrible Beer Gift

Jumpers don't seem that bad now

As the Christmas Season approaches (from a long way away), entire families are plotting to purchase bad quality and massively overpriced ale-related presents to give to a relative who "likes beer"

Edith Poorchoice, 82, of Market Harborough wondered aloud "Eeeh, I know my nephew's in Camera, or whatever it's called.  But I can't seem to choose between this Doom Bar and Glass Gift Set for £10, or this half pint tankard with his name on it for £12.  I know he'd love both, but it's so tricky deciding"

Edith's nephew, Brian Hapless, 43, whinged to us "Every year it's the fucking same.  Last year it was a 'yard of lager' gift set from Asda.  The year before it was "Craft Ale" box from Tesco consisting of 250ml bottles of Greene King Yardbird,  Whitstable Bay and Marston's Oyster Stout.  I'd rather she bought me Boak & Bailey's book, even though I have 2 copies already. " "

"Or even nothing at all.  The loft is getting full now."

Global Warming Blamed On Craft Beer

Craaaaaaaaaaaaft

In a stunning "rant" article in his local CAMRA magazine, East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake claimed that Climate Change has been caused by the rise in consumption of "Craft Keg".

"When you order one of these so called beers, what do you see?  Carbon Dioxide!  And with every bubble bursting and even the gas used to pump the stuff out increases the Carbon Footprint load of every person drinking it.".

"And," he continued with no scientific evidence whatsoever "is it any coincidence that the world started warming up in the 1960s and 70s.  Yes - when Watney's were making all that Red Barrel!"

Steakbake concluded his article on this downbeat note "It would be a massive tragedy if 'Craft Keg' were to dominate the pubs on Britain, producing all that CO2.  The world as we know it may end, but frankly it wouldn't be worth living anyway if I couldn't get my pint of Black Sheep Bitter."

Brewer Planning Seasonal Beer

Cliche-free zone here, honest

Lehybisons Brewery announced in a press release today to somebody or other about it's new releases which will be seen in it's pubs in the next couple of weeks.

"As you know, we at Lehybisons have gained a great reputation for originality and standing out from the crowd as far as our beers go.  Not for nothing are we known as great innovators, avoiding the cliches that other Regional Brewers use towards the end of Autumn.  It is with great pride we announce our seasonal ales for late Oct ober and early November.

Available from 25th October is Lehybison's Jack'O Lantern Ale, a 3.9% amber ale flavoured with, yes, Pumpkin!  And following on from that a week later will be Guy's Plotters' Porter, a 4.1% dark ale made with brown malt and flavoured with treacle.

I hope everyone will be as excited by these beers as we've been by brewing them!"

We asked Richard Gluedtobar, a lone pub barnacle in his local Lehybison's pub what he thought of the news.

"Jesus fucking Christ" he said.