News in Brief #5

Close Relatives Planning To Buy You Terrible Beer Gift

Jumpers don't seem that bad now

As the Christmas Season approaches (from a long way away), entire families are plotting to purchase bad quality and massively overpriced ale-related presents to give to a relative who "likes beer"

Edith Poorchoice, 82, of Market Harborough wondered aloud "Eeeh, I know my nephew's in Camera, or whatever it's called.  But I can't seem to choose between this Doom Bar and Glass Gift Set for £10, or this half pint tankard with his name on it for £12.  I know he'd love both, but it's so tricky deciding"

Edith's nephew, Brian Hapless, 43, whinged to us "Every year it's the fucking same.  Last year it was a 'yard of lager' gift set from Asda.  The year before it was "Craft Ale" box from Tesco consisting of 250ml bottles of Greene King Yardbird,  Whitstable Bay and Marston's Oyster Stout.  I'd rather she bought me Boak & Bailey's book, even though I have 2 copies already. " "

"Or even nothing at all.  The loft is getting full now."

Global Warming Blamed On Craft Beer

Craaaaaaaaaaaaft

In a stunning "rant" article in his local CAMRA magazine, East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake claimed that Climate Change has been caused by the rise in consumption of "Craft Keg".

"When you order one of these so called beers, what do you see?  Carbon Dioxide!  And with every bubble bursting and even the gas used to pump the stuff out increases the Carbon Footprint load of every person drinking it.".

"And," he continued with no scientific evidence whatsoever "is it any coincidence that the world started warming up in the 1960s and 70s.  Yes - when Watney's were making all that Red Barrel!"

Steakbake concluded his article on this downbeat note "It would be a massive tragedy if 'Craft Keg' were to dominate the pubs on Britain, producing all that CO2.  The world as we know it may end, but frankly it wouldn't be worth living anyway if I couldn't get my pint of Black Sheep Bitter."

Brewer Planning Seasonal Beer

Cliche-free zone here, honest

Lehybisons Brewery announced in a press release today to somebody or other about it's new releases which will be seen in it's pubs in the next couple of weeks.

"As you know, we at Lehybisons have gained a great reputation for originality and standing out from the crowd as far as our beers go.  Not for nothing are we known as great innovators, avoiding the cliches that other Regional Brewers use towards the end of Autumn.  It is with great pride we announce our seasonal ales for late Oct ober and early November.

Available from 25th October is Lehybison's Jack'O Lantern Ale, a 3.9% amber ale flavoured with, yes, Pumpkin!  And following on from that a week later will be Guy's Plotters' Porter, a 4.1% dark ale made with brown malt and flavoured with treacle.

I hope everyone will be as excited by these beers as we've been by brewing them!"

We asked Richard Gluedtobar, a lone pub barnacle in his local Lehybison's pub what he thought of the news.

"Jesus fucking Christ" he said.

Jaipur £3.30 a Pint

Not many pubs close and then reopen in the 2010s. I assume it's far more remunerative to sell them off for development, or just demolish and flog the land. Surprisingly, though, one such pub which this hasn't happened to is The Moorbrook, just outside Preston's city centre.

After spending what I presume to be a not inconsiderable sum on the Lamb & Packet and The Sun, Thwaites seem the have thought this particular pub as surplus to requirements (as they do with a lot of other things, apparently). So, it went up for auction. And, as you'll be surprised to hear, it was bought by "developers".

This is where the tale gets peculiar. For whatever reason, the developers backed out, and as such The Moorbrook went to the second-highest bidder, the people behind Preston's celebrated venues The Continental and The Ferret. Naturally, they wanted to keep it as a pub.

So. The Moorbrook has spent the last three months being refurbished as a crafty place. If nothing else, it saves money as, due to Thwaites policy of neglect, it came mostly ready-distressed. In fact, even when the place had only been open an hour, I saw the brass footbar hadn't been polished.  You can never tell with these refurbishments what exactly is original or been carefully installed.  Welsh Dresser-like display for the spirits behind the bar? Could be original, I suppose. Knackered looking chairs and stools? Were they inherited from the previous owners, or selected for their dishevelled qualities at a furniture clearance?  One thing I certainly know - the blackboards are new.

"We don't serve Brasso here anymore, mate"

And the beer? Well, you can tell they've been aiming for those of the Crafty persuasion as Darkstar Hophead was on the pumps. While they have Thatcher's cider on, there's no Foster's or Strongbow. Thwaites Original is a permanent fixture, presumably as a sop to any of its previous clientele who decide to wander in.  Tellingly, they have a Craft Keg IPA. Best of all, though, on opening day, Thornbridge Jaipur was on sale. At £3.30 a pint - a good 80p less than anywhere else (excepting Spoons) I've seen it.

Wasn't always the middle of nowhere on North Road, Preston

All in all, the refurbished Moorbrook is a work in progress, which is fair enough on its opening day. The place is in a peculiar location (smack in the middle of a retail park just off the A6) with little passing foot trade, and its signs are obviously the old Thwaites ones painted/masking taped over. The bottle selection may need some improvement, but I suspect they're limited by fridge space. But as central Preston's only craft beer place, it's a welcome development.

It's not replaced The Tap House in my affections, but it's good to have somewhere to go in town where the beer is reasonably good and isn't a cavernous hellhole or a dismally decorated dive. And they're on the same bus route even....

Let There Be Beer?

Ah, those wonderful multinational macrobrewers.  They're worried about us Brits.  Well, actually, I doubt they give a toss about us.  But they're certainly worried about us not drinking enough beer.  Caught between the pincer of "Evil Binge Drink Britain" bad publicity and lack of disposable income, we're simply drinking less.  So, like a group otherwise warring feudal Lords, they have marshalled their efforts to confront the greater threat.  And the result - the new beer promotion campaign "Let There Be Beer".

Oh dear.  Where to start?

The name of this effort is an obvious allusion to the song, most famously done by Nat King Cole in 1961.  It seems the big brewers have realised beer has a somewhat unsophisticated image, and are trying to get people to associate with smooth, relaxed surroundings, possibly with jazz playing in the background.  Try and imagine this in your head - a sharp-suited, clean-shaven urban gentleman, and he's posing artfully with one arm resting against the bar, slighty smiling with his eyes half-closed.  And he's holding a pint of Peroni.  Yes, imagine that.  And does it work?

Pete Brown has numerous things to say about "Let There Be Beer".  As a former adwanker, his views are not to be taken lightly.  But his amusing take is that, as the campaign is run by corporo-lager makers, they've come together to simply make a larger scale version of the bloody lager ads we've been seeing for 35 years.  Why not promote the hip crafty end of the beer world - the one that's seen the most sector growth in the last decade?

I can see why they haven't.  It's all very well giving attention to microbrewed cask ale and craft keg IPAs, but where is the "average" consumer going to find this stuff?  Spoons will do a few, but most large towns have pubs that subsist (as always) on the local favourites.  How many "average" pubs have Oakham Citra or DarkStar Espresso on the pumps?  And even if your bewildered "average" beer drinker comes across, say, Thornbridge/Sierra Nevada Twin Peaks on a keg font, what is he or she going to think when the barman tells them it's £3 a half?  

No, the macros are going to push what they've been pushing at us for years, simply because it's easiest and has the most brand recognition.  As an aside, any long-term denizen of craft beer places will know what happens when an "average" drinker accidently wanders into one in search of refreshment - they will look up and down the bar, look horribly confused and say "Haven't you got any Smooth/Guinness/Fosters?".  The barstaff will try to suppress their hilarity as they try and sell the customer a selection of (to them) completely unfamiliar beers.

It's quite possible that beer itself is going through the process of "category realignment".  As the mainstream drinker deserts it for wine or gin or whatever, the beer market will be left to beardy casketeers and flat-cap and flannel shirt IPA hipsters.  Mass produced beer, such as it exists, will be an indistinguishable means to an end.

Beer, if not dying, is moving.  And no amount of efforts by the macrobrewers to set it in concrete will change that.

The Swivel Eyed Loons

The Conservative Party have got into trouble recently.  Not for the things they should be getting into trouble for eg. iniquitous charges, workfare slavery or their austerity programme not working.  No, apparently one of Dave Cameron's mates has referred to Tory grass-roots activists as "swivel eyed loons".

It seems the Party leadership (consisting as it does of Dave's Eton schoolfriends) do not particularly represent the views of the average Tory activist (aged 68 and living in a Home Counties suburb).  The furore over gay marriage is a symptom of this.  Apparently, Cameron & co are a smug metropolitan elite whose views are out of touch with their street-tramping and envelope-stuffing volunteers.

If you read certain things, namely the lettercolumn of What's Brewing, CAMRA's executive committee are guilty of similar things.  One of Mike Benner's main selling points to the non-beer world is that he doesn't look like and sound like a stereotypical CAMRA member.  And, I'm sorry about this John Clarke et al. , but CAMRA members do have a bit of an image problem.  Ask any real ale pub landlord, and he'll regale you with tales of beards coming in, asking to sample all six beers, buying a half, complaining about short measures/temperature, and buggering off to the next pub to do the same.  One barman told me he'd put the price of a pint up for CAMRA members if he could.

How true these tales are I'm not sure.  Every self-selecting organisation has its git elements.  But what makes CAMRA different is that its membership has increased over the last 5 years (by something like 50%, I think), whereas that for political parties has declined.  The Conservative party is down to its hardcore vocal activists who probably don't represent what most Tory voters actually think on a lot of issues.  CAMRA's aged hardcore, while vocal, are increasingly being drowned out by newer (and I use this term advisedly as most new members are still over 35) voices. The whole anti-craft keg thing at the 2013 AGM was a mere raging against the dying light.   I believe craft keg will be totally accepted in the next decade, even if the committee have to amend the definition of "real ale".

Mike Benner, Colin Valentine etc. may not be to the taste of a lot of hardcore, 40-year veteran Beard Club members, but they are the future.  Whatever that may be.

Note : The title of this post is a quote from the media coverage of the Conservative Party, and is used as a description of this phenomenon.  I am not calling CAMRA members "swivel eyed loons".  Thank you.