|Ambience Is More Important Than Choice? RIGHT?|
Beer Free Pub Wins CAMRA Award
In it's latest headline-grabbing move, South East Grizedale CAMRA branch awarded it's quarterly Pub Of The Season award to the Pig's Bladder, a place that has not sold Ale since 1996.
Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake announced in the local magazine, Pints West "For too long, CAMRA branches have been hung up on how many real ales are available at pubs. We now look at how welcoming and hospitable pubs are, rather than sheer volume of choice"
"The Pig's Bladder has a well behaved middle aged clientele, lots of quiet corners for CAMRA Members to sit in, and is decorated in a suitably muted and shabby fashion. We decided it was an excellent place to escape our wives and families, which is why we joined."
"If it can do all that," triumphalised Steakbake "then who needs Real Ale? Or any drinks whatsoever."
Local campaigner and tightwad misery Mudgie Mudgington concurred "There's a B&M next door. So I just take in my close-to-BBD purchases in and drink while sat in my regular dark alcove"
"This is the future of pubs, I'm certain of that."
|Who has roasts these days anyway?|
Wetherspoons Axe Day Of The Week
Middling-to-low quality booze and food chain JD Wetherspoon this week rocked the pub industry by announcing they were abolishing one of the seven days of the week.
"Sunday has never done it for us." admitted Spoons figurehead Timbo Martin "It doesn't fit our business plan any more, to be honest."
"Let's face it, who comes into our pubs on Sundays? Middle aged men who have two pints at lunchtime and go home before their wives notice. Families with kids who come in for food who always leave before dessert because the children are acting up. We've never made any money from them. So we're axing Sundays and going straight to Monday to sell more Burritos"
Spoons habitué Bob Barfly told us " I'm OK with this. I don't eat that day."
"The Jobcentre Plus isn't open Sundays anyway."
|Craft? Craft isn't here and NEVER WAS|
Due to the saturation of their market, Craft bars across the country are converting themselves back to normal pubs in an effort to erase the mistakes of history.
Former hipster hangout The King's Head, Islington (formerly The Fulminating Llama) this week was busy ripping out all the slate and girders and replacing it with dark wood and garish wallpaper. "It's the future, apparently." sadly opined manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.
"There's too much Craft in the world now. People of had enough of hopfucks and weirdo beer with odd stuff in them. I'm converting all my Craft fonts to Smooth and Lager now. That's where the money is."
"In fact," confided Luke "I'm shaving off my beard and getting a buzz cut so I can look hard. All the hipster waistcoats and skinny jeans are going in the bin. I've got a wardrobe full of trackies and chunky jewellery now. It'll be awesome."
"I mean, it'll be bang tidy. Innit?"