News in Brief #41

What? You just want a quiet pint? This is 2016, man

Communicator Announces Event

"Are you fed up with so-called 'Meet The Brewer' events? Where the pub is full of people trying to buy and drink beer, talking amongst themselves, and not even listening to the admittedly poor communication skills of the Brewer in question? If you are, then join me, Curt Mattis, at the Marquess of Granby in Highbury on 23/04/16, for the next generation in events. MTB : Reinvented.

"And I'm sure you're fed up of clichéd food matching too.  Well, I will not only be matching the food to the beer using my awesome expertise, but also the music, pub decoration and even the air you'll be breathing.

The brewers themselves, Dave from Flower Garden and Paul from Random Brick will be asking each other questions for your listening to keep the whole thing pertinent. Expect major revelations, such as what they actually think of big brewers. They will not be answering questions afterwards as everyone will be drunk

So, come to MTB : The Right Crowd And No Crowding. (c) Curt Mattis 2016"

Regulars can bugger off. For that day, anyway

Private Party Invades Local 

Last Friday, an 80-strong party of office workers from Garrets Insolvency Ltd. of Bicester, Oxon, booked a private room at a local pub, the Princess Alexandra. "Much easier for everyone than going to Wetherspoons, where anyone could get in" said organiser Roger Bison.

"Everyone turned up at the same time, and the bar was crowded.  There was the room with "Private Party" stuck on the door. But nobody wanted to go in there. John from accounts told me it was the first pub he'd been to and he wanted to feel like a real pubgoer and stood there blocking the bar"

Friday night regular Bob Barfly told us "I know these things help keep the place open in quiet times. But they could at least keep a path open to the bar and the toilet."

"Or even allow me enough room to raise a glass to my lips."

Ironically never reached "Admiral" on the fishing boat

"Punk" Brewery Boss now Admiral

BrewDog co-founder and self-aggrandiser James Watt this week promoted himself in his own business. "I know I've always referred to myself as 'Captain' of the brewery, but my level of responsibility now needs a more important title. I did consider 'Commodore', but none of our bars have vintage computers yet.

" So, I am now the Admiral of BrewDog. The hat I've got for this is much cooler than that flat cap, anyway.  The anchor and everything means I get the respect I deserve. Even from TV documentary makers who would never portray me in a bad light or anything.

"It's great. I can stand on this balcony and proclaim the latest wonderful news about our Punk revolution in Craft Brewing. Not that I want to be surrounded by crawling yes-people or anything. What do you say, fellow Beer Punks?"

"Yes, James!", they replied.