Monday 8 November 2021

Old Beer Ads #16 - Guinness (2019)


Back in March 2019, I was going through what can be described as "personal issues", and was in the unusual position of staying in a Travelodge in my home town.  Of course, anyone who's ever stayed in a Travelodge knows there's little to do in your room other than watch the basic TV or fiddle with the bottle opener bolted to the side of the desk.  So I went to the local sports bar to watch the IndyCar race.

A sports bar shows sports channels.   And sports channels show ads, mainly for alcohol and betting.  I don't watch much TV, so I hadn't seen this ad.  "Ah, the usual Guinness story-led and artily-shot stuff here.", I imagined.  It's a tale of a pair of Welsh brothers spending their inheritance from their late Mam on watching the Six Nations and (naturally) a popular Irish nitrokegged stout.  On the insistence of the Terms and Conditions of her will itself, no less.

As we know, Guinness ads generally have odd soundtracks.  In fact, one ad in the 1990s was mainly responsible for the brief revival of Easy Listening when it contained a Perez Prado track.   So what did they choose for this?  Well.

 You can imagine the copywriters in Soho storyboarding this.  "Yeah, like we've got these Welsh guys, got the rugby, got the beer.  But what music?".  "I know dude!  Remember the best selling instrumental of all-time?  We'll use the B-SIDE of it.  Like totes amazeballs!". So I sat there in this sports bar surrounded by 20 and 30-somethings troughing burgers and wings, listening to "Jungle Fever" by the Tornados, all the time thinking "I'm the only person in here who knows what this song is."

"Jungle Fever" was of course the B-side of "Telstar", and was written by Geoff Goddard.  It ended up on the B as payment from producer Joe Meek to Geoff for providing the majority of vocal and keyboard parts for "Telstar".  Ironically,  while Joe's royalties for writing the A ended up in courtroom dispute hell, and were only settled after his death,  Geoff got half the cash for doing the flipside and was thus the only single person involved in make any money out of a record that sold millions of copies worldwide.

Now, wouldn't THAT story make a great commercial for something....

Monday 5 July 2021

News in Brief #62


Facebook Group Just Pictures Of Cans

Popular social media beer hangout "Awesome Pennine Craft Beer Guys & Gals" has been revealed this week to be nothing more than a massive photo gallery.

Cornered at his local bottle shop, Facebook group admin Luke Lumberjack-Shirt admitted "Yes, it's true. It's just that I, like, have ALL these cans of craft beer. I've spent so much on them that I'm, like, afraid to open them.  I mean look at this pic of my 12% Cloudwater Banana and Paprika sour next to this Polly's Mosaic and Ekuanot DDH NE Triple IPA.  See? See how the yellow and purple, like, really sets off the chartreuse and cyan next to it!"

"This REALLY shows off my awesome skills as a photographer and more importantly shows off my awesome stash to other group members who didn't get to the shop fast enough."

"But to be honest," confessed Luke "I tried one of these and it was, like, horrible, dude, so I poured it down the sink. But that's not the point of craft cans, is it?"

Up there with the Sphinx

Mysterious COVID Outbreak At Pub

Popular Wakefield drinking establishment The Slurry Pit has been forced to close due to an unexpected rash of Coronavirus cases amongst its staff and patrons. "It's bizarre," exclaimed landlord Barry Shortmeasure "We've followed all the regulations and everything."

"In fact, just the other day, I was talking to an old boy who was at the bar. And we had a long conversation about this.  He said he couldn't believe the Rona was as serious as they made out. 'Jab? Don't need a jab. Had plenty of coughs and colds, me.' he said."

"We had 50 people in the beer garden last Friday and they all seemed fine. In fact, they said my enclosed and covered area was the best pub experience they've had since lockdown." ranted Barry "And I cleaned all my tables with Tesco Value spray at least once a day."

"Then yesterday, I was told by NHS Track & Trace that 14 positive cases were associated with my pub. I just don't understand it. I took every possible precaution."

"And if you don't believe me, ask the HUNDREDS of people who've been stood in my bar during the past fortnight.".

Tasty times

Beer Easy

This week, it has been revealed by a top internet beer magazine writer that brewing beer is, contrary to popular belief, extremely simple.

"You just have to look at history." pontificated dubious scholar Sophie Aubergine-Pickle "They just got a handful of whatever grain they quite literally had to hand, threw it in some water. And left it."

"It stands to reason, doesn't it? The human hand has all kinds of stuff on it. Bacteria. Wild yeast. Skin flakes. That stuff beneath your fingernails. If you leave it long enough, of course fermentation will spontaneously commence. And people back then would drink anything."

"Anyway, got to go. Just been commissioned to do a follow-up to my article where I make beer this way and find some volunteers to try it."

"Would you like to sign this waiver?"