Monday 22 September 2014

News in Brief #3

Tightwad Landlord Day 2014

Good Northern pint, tha knows

Beer lovers across the nation will be packing into their locals this Wednesday, as it will be this year's Tightwad Landlord day, a celebration of chiselling industry practices designed to increase the profit margins of pub owners.

"We've prepared well in advance this year" opined stereotypical Yorkshire miser landlord Barry Shortmeasure "I've ordered the extra-thick 'pint' glasses that only hold 500ml and I've refilled the empty Talisker, Grey Goose and Hendricks bottles with Asda SmartPrice spirits. I've removed the drip-trays from the pumps as an incentive to staff not to overfill. I've even given extensive training to make sure they say past-their-best real ales are 'meant to taste like that'

We'll be rolling in it by Thursday"

Hapless untrained student Muppet barman Mal E. Bew was asked to comment but apparently he'd knocked himself unconscious after slipping on the floor.

Blonde Ambition

Golden Alezzzzzzzzzzz...

Implausibly pseudononymous bloggers/journalists/authors/freebie imbibers Bake and Bowley have declared a Golden ale taste-off on their website. "We had a bottle of Robinsons Dizzy Blonde and, to be quite frank, we were bored senseless." said Bake (female) "So we decided to order a whole case of blondes so we could see exactly how boring and dismal the whole Golden Ale scene is."

"Unfortunately," Bowley (male) carried on, as if in one mind with his partner "We found that every single one we bought tasted the same. Mild hops, mild malt, completely nondescript. Wainwright, Summer Lightning, Lakeland Gold, Bitter & Twisted, the lot. I think we even fell asleep halfway through. I don't think we ever got the post finished"

"We're off to an old pub to read an old book," said Bake "I'm sure we can get a blog out of that."

First Picobar Opens

Average small London bar, yesterday

After the alleged roaring success of the microbar and nanobar movement, a London entrepreneur has launched his new Picobar concept onto an unsuspecting city.

Gordon Pieinsky, a burnt-out finance refugee expounded sweatily to us yesterday "What with property prices being so high in this part of the city, I couldn't afford even an old newspaper stand to sell beer from, so I bought this."

Sitting on his sole keg of Meantime Pale on Kilburn High Road, Pieinsky dispensed us a pint. "Customers today aren't bothered about thing like comfort, seating, and room temperature. They just want fine craft beers at under £6 a pint." he vaguely presumed while fiddling with the CO2 settings.

"I hope Allied Bakeries don't come and take those bread trays away, though. I'll be exposed to traffic, then."

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