News in Brief #61

"I won't need those Edison lightbulbs now!"

Uranium Beer Announced

Despite nobody ever asking for such a thing, New Mexico based craft brewery Gilipolas Barbado has released a beer brewed with depleted Uranium.  "Everything else that's been used in a craft beer has been done," explained brewery owner Jornada del Muerto "so we, like, tried to do something original."

"There's plenty of the stuff around here, so we thought, hey, why not make a beer with it.  After all, there's nothing in the literature I've seen that says uranium is in any way hazardous to health.  Though it is true I only read the beer sites and brewery Twitter feeds."

Bud Gear Hunting USA Editor Bill Kaiser-Batman agreed vociferously "I don't believe all those reports of people drinking this and throwing up and their beards falling out.  I've done a whole six pack today, and if anything it's given me a healthy glow!  Don't people realise that beer is meant to be fun?"

Element 92 DIPA will be coming to a hyped event and bottle share near you soon.

Plastic recycling at its finest

Micropub Entirely Made Of Pumpclips

During their latest ticking spree in Leamington Spa, a group of pub travellers were surprised yesterday to find one of their targets was entirely made of plastic handpump beer displays.  "I'm not exactly sure how happened," explained Tap, Tap & Tap owner Dave Nobreaks "but I'll give you the story."

"When I started up this place, I had four beers on.  Naturally they ran out and had to be replaced, but what to do with the old pumpclip?  After all, it's not like I'd ever have the same beer on more than once or anything. So I stuck it on the wall."

"I kept on doing this with every beer I did, until last November when the wall became completely covered." continued Nobreaks "I had to install a vent outside, so removed some bricks.  To my astonishment, the pumpclips just stayed there!  Eventually, I just took out all the bricks and sold them to a company that fits out craft beer bars.  Kept me going through January."

"I did have to to ban some Pumpclip Parade readers after they tried to remove the Wily Fox and Bank Top clips risking the whole structural integrity of the building, though."

CAMRA would burn it if it wasn't a combustion suppressant

Carbon Dioxide Confused

Colourless covalently-bonded gas Carbon Dioxide yesterday professed its bafflement about the recent furore about its lack of availability to drinks producers.  "I don't get it," moaned CO2  "why are they starting on me now?"

"A few years ago, I was blamed for being excessive and causing global warming through trapping heat in the atmosphere.  But now, apparently, there's not enough of me to go around.  Where have I gone?  Surely not that much of me has dissolved into the oceans?"

"I mean, just wait a bit and there'll be plenty of me around in a week or two, dudes."

Meanwhile, The Campaign For Real Ale has been rejoicing at the news of the CO2 shortage.  "Now that the keg beer will be flat and unable to be pumped out at the bar," proclaimed Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake  "you'll all have to drink the cask.  There's nothing like lack of competition to prove Real Ale's superiority to other drinks!"

"Because everybody knows naturally produced CO2 is much better for you than the artificial version.  Or something." 

News in Brief #58

Compulsory.  Or something

Pub Not Serving Plum Porter

Last week, while pictures of bar top pumpclip lineups were being disseminated on Twitter, a pub was shown as not having Titanic Plum Porter available.

Barry Shortmeasure, clichéd proprietor of the Weasel & Bucket, Pocklington, admitted "I forgot to put it on my SIBA order last week despite it being in letters twice as big as all the others in the booklet, for some reason. Anyway, it's coming tomorrow. Look, here's a copy of the invoice. Don't report me. PLEASE don't report me."

Luckily, Titanic owner and SIBA chief Keith Bott was an indulgent mood however "Oh, ha ha. We noticed the lack of an order from Mr. Shortmeasure. But as we're selling so much Plum Porter, we'll overlook his mistake. This time."

"Actually, we're making so much of it that Plum Porter is the only growth industry in Stoke now. Three-quarters of the people here are engaged in the making of it. In fact, I'm proposing we change the name of the area to 'The Porteries'!"

"Wait, don't leave...."

But it's all so boring, dude

Communicator Blames Beer For Lack Of Inspiration

A recurring problem in the freebie-laden world of Beer Communication is that of palate fatigue. Earlier this month, awesomation producer and journalist Curt Mattis admitted he had fallen prey to this phenomenon.

"I keep getting sent all this stuff and it's, like, really dull." complained Curty  "It's the same old stuff all the time, man. IPAs, Imperial stouts, barrel-aged kumquat goses.  I'm fed up with it all."

"It can't be me who's wrong, as I do this for a living and drink so many beers. Beer needs to raise its game if it's going to appeal to my awesome sense of taste. If things don't improve,  I may have to start paying for beer again."

"People say I'm lucky, man." he whinged "But obviously not lucky enough."

"THE FUTURE IS NOW"

CAMRA Moving Forward With Revitalisation

This week, anachronism-riddled consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale announced the publication of it's report into it's future. "After 18 months of proposals, discussions and surveys, we've finally come to some conclusions." proclaimed CAMRA founder Michael Hardman.

"We've found we should be protecting pubs more. It doesn't matter that a lot of unviable because people now prefer solitude, Pinot and Netflix. Because History and Heritage. Obviously."

"Also, keg doesn't appear to be as evil as our active membership seems to think. If nothing else, this'll get rid of a few old codgers who clutter up the letter column of What's Brewing.

"And in the interests of brevity and easy consumption of information," burbled Hardman "we've put it all down in 6-point lettering in this 100 page report. Both sides. So, CAMRA,  members - get reading. "

"There will be a test at your next monthly meeting."

News in Brief #57

The healthy option is only 3000 calories

Obesity Epidemic Blamed on Pub Pizza

This week, Britain's problem with ever-increasing body weights has been revealed to be the fault of the phenomenon of pubs installing stone-baked pizza ovens.  "It's most peculiar," muttered newly-realised fatty Bob Barfly "I ordered a large margherita, ate it, and somehow gained three stone."

"Somehow, this massive pile of fat and starch has made me gain weight. Not sure of the exact mechanism,  but apparently it's something to do with calories."

Self-proclaimed pizza master and landlord Barry Shortmeasure stood by his wood-fired metal thing and said " This pizza thing is great. It ticks all the boxes for the desired food for drunks .  Here, try a slice of my latest creation - 'The Gutbucket'. It's got a half-inch of cheese, and is topped with bacon, lard, fried eggs and pies."

"There's no waste. I've found they even eat the box if I make them greasy enough

"Oh, well. Best order one of those, then . " confessed Bob. "I would leave, but I no longer fit through the door."

As used by astronauts for space navigation 

Massive Keg Font Declared Listed Building 

In inevitable news this week, an enormous branded drinks dispenser has been declared a building of architectural importance by English Heritage.

"I know this designation is somewhat atypical," admitted preservation type Roger Anachronism "But we think Grade II listing for a Heineken font in Slough is justified."

"The residents of the town have agreed. They spend more time in front of this edifice than any other. It's given more pleasure and made more money than any brutalist bus station.  People come from miles around to bask in it's lurid greeny glow."

"And unlike all those pubs we've listed," rambled Roger "this thing is unlikely to be demolished overnight.

Aren't you glad some things are the way they USED to be?

Trad Brewery Undergoes Modern Rebranding

In shocking events this week, the latest brewery to have a "contemporary makeover" has been announced as The Samuel Smith Old Brewery of Tadcaster. "We evaluated it's current look," pontificated marketing tosspot Guy Cokenwhores "and we realised it was, like, staid and boring."

"I mean, blackletter fonts are so 1970s, man. To me, it made me wonder if it was a brewery or an old heavy metal band. And that white rose logo. Clean lines? The kids don't do clean lines any more."

"So we've completely overhauled everything. All Sam Smith's branding will be in the FF Trixie and Gotham typefaces. And we've renamed all the beers for a 2010s audience. Nut Brown Ale is now called 'Hamster Love', and Yorkshire Stingo is now 'Glory Whole'."

Brewery owner HRW Smith was asked about this unexpected turn of events. "Yo blud. Call me 'MC Humpy S'. Got a beef wiv my cribs? Woddup ? "

News in Brief #55

But look at the crowds, man!

Twitter Now IMBC Ticket Exchange

Over the last fortnight, beery-types Twitter feeds have consisted solely of people trying to either beg, exchange or sell off tickets to IndyManBeerCon.  "It's starting to become irritating," moaned insatiable internet user Sam Notarobot "someone even asked me if I had spare tickets to the Friday afternoon session just because I happened to be online at the time and mentioned beer."

"Surely there can't be that many people wanting to go?  I looked at the prices and it's bloody expensive.  You can get this so called 'craft' beer at many places in your average town centre now.  Even at your local supermarket.  I've no idea why so many people are so desperate to drink in Manchester swimming pool with one working toilet."

IndyMan organiser Byron Soretro admitted "Actually, it's just us moving tickets around ourselves.  We're doing it to make IndyMan look like some kind of exclusive, massively sought-after event, when it's really just four hundred hipsters getting pissed on overpriced and overhyped booze in a shabby and out of the way location."

"Works every year, though."

"With this thing I declare myself right! No comebacks!"

Beer Communicator Engages In Debate

In terrifying events this week, newly self-declared Beer Journalist Sam Cutandpaste this week replied to questions on Facebook.  "It all seemed so innocent at the time," he opined "Some dude asked me about the amount of beer sold in pubs declining as opposed to shops."

"I, like, answered and he disagreed with my views.  So we had a sensible, adult discussion about what were the factors behind it and though our opinions weren't changed that much we ended the conversation on good terms."

"I thought would end there,"continued Sam "but my fellow Communicator Annabelle Anthracite sent me an email saying that wasn't how I should do things.  Apparently I should have simply refused to engage with someone with contrary opinions and instead accused them of personally attacking me.  The internet is a 'safe space' and certain views should be 'no-platformed'.  Seems like an odd way to go about it, but that's how it's done it seems."

Acclaimed storyteller and bodacious beer bud Curt Mattis said  "Sam doesn't get it.  The whole point of Beer Communication is to make sure the paid Public Relations message gets across."

"Sorry, I mean, to tell the awesome story of your partner company."

History?  What history?

Pub Company Retrenches

This week, North West based Pubco and serial annoyer of customers and staff Austin's Inns announced plans to sell off it's entire estate of pubs.

"Pubs are on the way out." said Austin's Chairman John Woofer "there's far more money to be made in selling off the sites for housing or to be knocked down to build Old Folk's Homes.  The tricky bit is to do it without looking bad."

"What we usually do is paint the outside of the pub in cream and red fancy lettering and announce it's undergone a major refurbishment." gleefully recounted Woofer  "Then we post a couple of hundred fliers through nearby houses announcing this.  And when the upturn in trade doesn't come, we tell the Landlord that the business is unviable and we're moving him to another pub 35 miles away."

"My ambition is for this company to solely be an office sending accounts to Companies House every quarter.  So much easier than all this beer and hospitality nonsense.  Mind you, that doesn't mean we'll be completely abandoning our roots.  Would you like a whisky out of the drinks cabinet?"

"If you do, that'll be £7.30, please."

News in Brief #54

Are there no prisons? No workhouses?  "Thankfully not. I'd have no customers"

Spoons Boss Visited by Ghosts

After announcing this week that his pubs would no longer be doing Christmas dinners, JD Wetherspoon honcho and really good employer honest Timbo Martin has admitted supernatural visitations.

"The first night," said Timbo "I was visited by a ghost of a pissed up office worker in a Santa hat. He took me to one of my pubs during Xmas 2015 where everyone was tucking into microwaved sliced turkey and defrosted sprouts. I noticed how everyone seemed happy enough."

"I thought nothing of it, until the following night where I was awoken by an apparition of a dishevelled and red faced old man holding a pint of John Smiths. I was transported to a vision of 2016 where the pub was deserted except for three lone alcoholics drinking treble Bell's."

Timbo continued "So, it was with trepidation I went to sleep on the third night. Sure enough, a sharp suited spectre appeared and he was brandishing a contract. 'This site is worth 750k in today's market, Mr. Martin' he said."

"What could it possibly all mean?"

"Mmm. Yes. Dear boy. These clothes are suitable for 1970s Stockport. "

Campaigner Goes Back to 70s

Fulfilling a long-time wish earlier this month, boring beer drinker and full-time grumpy sod Mudgie Mudgington got to travel back in time to his preferred era. "Who would have thought that the TARDIS would visit Stockport?" he exclaimed.

"Luckily I'd already saved up plenty of pre-1977 1p and 2p coins, and all those one and two shilling pieces for when decimalisation is repealed.  And my fashion sense hasn't moved on since 1962, so I fit in perfectly when I arrived."

"Sadly, when I got to the pub it was rammed, and there were all these blokes blocking the bar. When I got to the single electric real ale pump through the fog of smoke, the barman told me it was off and served me Whitbread Trophy instead."

"So I carried my pint of fizz to the one free spot by the jukebox." continued Mudgie  "Well, I thought, at least there'll be some decent Progressive Rock to listen to. But all it contained was Brotherhood of Man, Brian & Michael, and The Smurf Song. I downed my pint of keg, burped loudly and left."

"Waiting outside for the Doctor to take me back to 2016, a stray tabby walked past. But any cuteness was disabused when an 8-year-old boy grabbed it, and stuck a lit firework up it's backside."

"It's almost if," exclaimed a shocked Mudgie "the old days weren't all that good after all. "

So retro!

Football Club Bans Crafties

In shocking news this week, a Shoreditch resident was escorted out of his local football club for breaking the stadium's Dress & Behaviour Code. "It was horrible." cried horn-rimmed glasses wearer and avocado smasher Luke Lumberjack-Shirt "I thought football was meant to be inclusive."

"I bought my ticket, went into the ground and sat down. Then this, like, guy in a luminous jacket handed me a note. Match Day Notice it said.  'This is family friendly ground and skinny jeans and man buns are not permitted on Match Days'. Don't they want people like me to watch the game."

"But that wasn't the worst thing. One paragraph explained that only drinks purchased in the ground were allowed. Had I, like, got out my bottles of Partizan and Weird Beard, they'd've been confiscated and I'd've had to drink Coors Light."

"Despite it all, I decided to stay. But when my awesome buds Josh and Nathan arrived and we started discussing dry hopping and barrel aging, we were asked to leave by the stewards. Apparently  we were disturbing nearby fans with our esotericism. "

"I won't be going again, man." whined Luke "I don't feel comfortable there anymore."

A club spokesman told us "Give us a break, guv. There has to be at least one part of London that isn't gentrified yet."

News in Brief #53

"My GBG's not here yet. It's a conspiracy!"

Beer Guide Delay Causes Panic

This week, the unexpected lateness of the delivery of advance copies of The Good Beer Guide has caused mass consternation amongst CAMRA ticker types.  "The wait has been terrible," cried serial pub traveller Merton Nay-Chess "I've not known quite what to do with myself."

"Since I don't have a book to tell me where to go, I've been stuck at home.  It's got so bad that I've been scrawling obscure symbols about pub facilities on the walls in crayon, and then going over them with highlighter pens." he burbled

"It'd better arrive soon. My wife is threatening to divorce me if I don't get out of the house."

Meanwhile, rampant annoyer of the UK's landlords Kenny Garfunkel complained "I've put a note on my door demanding the delivery of my Beer Guide just in case the postman thinks of chucking it over a hedge or into the canal.  I've even put signs up from the sorting office to my flat, but still no joy."

"The train company are threatening to close down my local station," ranted Kenny "due to lack of use as three-quarters of all journeys are apparently by me going to god knows where,"

Good Beer Guide editor Roger Protz said about the delays "Bloody tickers. Don't these people have a local to go to or something?"

Still less viscous than the average Craft IPA

Bottle Experiment Continues

The Department of Opacity at London University this month celebrated the Fifth Anniversary of their famous long term experiment.  "We saw that pitch drop thing on Wikipedia," said Professor John Spuriousfunding "and it inspired us."

"We did some research and decided that the flow rate of bitumen wasn't quite quite long-haul enough for our purposes.  So we bought a bottle of Kernel Motueka IPA and gave it a good shake beforehand ,put it in the fridge, as suggested and waited for it to clear."

"We've been checking it every week since September 7th 2011.  Since then the transparency has increased by 2 OUs.  As such, we're expecting it to completely clear by April 2156.  It's a good job we have a long term grant to keep the bottle top from rusting."

Kernel Head Brewer Evan O'Riordan told us.  "How intriguing.  Don't know why they're bothering, though.  I can never get my beers to clear."

"In fact, I heard of people serving that Motueka IPA by the slice."

The latest division of AB InBev hard at work

AB InBev Acquire Beer Blog

Despicable corporate takeover monster Anheuser-Busch InBev have announced their latest acquisition to the Drinks Media. Suprisingly, it's not a beer, a brewery or even a brand.  "No, we've decided on a different tack this time." intoned Head of Heartless Wholesale Desecration Hiram J. Heritagetrasher "We've bought one of those 'Beer Blog' things."

The blog in question "Seeing The Lizards", a barely read farrago of crude mockery and incoherent ramblings was bought this week from it's owner Matthew Lawrenson for the record price of 2 cases of beer.  "It definitely fills a gap in our portfolio." continued Heritagetrasher "It's so much effort and cost to keep doing things like ads about pumpkin peach ale to annoy and upset the 'beer community', so we sought out somebody who's been doing it for a long time and for free too."

Lawrenson, speaking from his usual barstool at the Moorbrook Inn, Preston while sinking his eighth pint of BlackJack and simultaneously pissing people off on Twitter "This is an exciting time for 'Seeing The Lizards'. I look forward to working in partnership with a company of AB InBev's stature to move forward with future content."

"Don't know what I'm going to to with these 48 cans of Camden IHL they gave me, though."

News in Brief #52

"It's great! Apart from the things that aren't."

Brewery Job Not Super Awesome Fun Thing

Recently employed Craft Brewery marketing type, Luke Lumberjack-Shirt this week anonymously expressed his disappointment with his lot in the industry. "All my friends tell me it must be, like, wonderful to work somewhere like this.  But it really isn't, man."

"When I started here in June, I thought that Craft Brewing was great and everybody loved each other and was best mates and stuff." whinged Luke "But almost as soon as I sat down at my desk, my boss told me the brewery down the road were all bastards and it was my job to get them kicked off the lines at the local bars so we could sell more kegs"

"The actual beer making side is no better, man.  People turn up and say they want to work here, and the head brewer asks them if they know anything about about the job.  Sometimes he even gives them a test man.  It's terrible - apparently being awesome and enthusiastic isn't enough these days."

He went on "The people buying the beer are even worse.  They want to know if it's any good before buying it.  Don't they know anything about Craft, man?  It's all good.  But still I see them buying beers other than ours.  They're never happy. It's almost, like, working in an industry where you make things and have to actively sell them to people."

"I love my job, man.  But it's a bit shit really."

Coming to a town near you

Beer Bubble Confused 

In the current climate of exponentially expanding beer and brewery events and media, confusion is reigning about the exact terminology for the phenomena that are occurring.

Oft-cited inflation/enclosed atmosphere metaphor The Beer Bubble is as baffled as anyone "People are always talking about me, but they don't seem to be certain what I am,  Some are under the impression that I'm a crash waiting to happen due to to overproduction and oversupply of beer by more breweries than the market can sustain."

"Other people disagree.  They think I'm some kind of insular echo chamber where the same old people talk to each other about beer and exchange views in some kind of mutually reinforcing feedback loop completely procluding any dissent.  Even I have doubts about what I actually am any more".

"It's a shame there aren't any journalists who want to sort these things out,"  burbled Bubble "rather than go on freebie trips or write about their brewer friends. Maybe the actual economics of things are harder than fluffy stuff or something."

"You know, I preferred it when I was just something CAMRA whinged about as being too prevalent in keg beer,"

A Warm Welcome For All Customers. Those that follow the unspoken rules anyhow

Drink Order Taken at Country Pub 

(extract from "Opinion" Column, The Morning Advertiser, September 2016)

Last Sunday afternoon, a party of 6 arrived at The Ploughshare, a rural inn in Church Minshull.  After confirming their booking, they sat down and the first five placed an order for a roast beer sunday dinner with extra Yorkshires and gravy.  The waiter then got to the sixth member and asked him what he would like from the menu.

"Oh, I'm not really hungry" he said "I'll just have a pint of lager."

There was a sudden hush as everybody in the pub, staff customers and even the landlord's Golden Retriever Rex stood there open mouthed.

The waiter slowly edged away from the table, hopefully giving time for the man to change his mind and order food. No order was forthcoming, and the check arrived at the Chef's pinboard. "What the hell is this?" yelled the Chef "Five meals but six drinks?  You know this doesn't match the spec sheet, and will ruin my ordering for next week?  Get back out there and get a proper cover for that table!"

The waiter returned to the table of six and requested tactfully, that it would be awfully kind if sir would also have some food to go with his drink.  "But I thought this was a pub?" exclaimed the drinker.  The waiter patiently explained that this was 2016, and things didn't quite work that way any more.

"Oh." he said "I'll go and sit in the car, then." and got up to leave.

"Honestly," said the waiter to the Chef during their smoking break by the bins "What kind of customers are we attracting these days?"

News in Brief #51

What do you mean more outgoings than income?

Acclaimed Craft Bar Closes

Sole artisan beer joint in town, The Foo Bar in Penrith this week closed suddenly without warning.  "It's awful, man" sorrowfully recounted local dude Josh Avacodo-Toast "We had no idea this was going to happen."

Foo Bar opened last July with a 40-strong line-up of Craft beer and £5 bar snacks, lit with 67 Edison lightbulbs and done out entirely in mahogany and Skiddaw slate  "We had no idea how they were affording things," said a bemused Josh "but we thought, hey, it's Craft. Beer people are good people so it must be legit."

"Even when brewery reps came around and shouted at the barstaff about something called 'invoices', and they were forced to pay them out of the till and tip jar to make them leave, we didn't think there was anything wrong.  After all, there was all this awesome beer in front of us.  It was there, man, and we were drinking it. It was all good."

"It's almost as if as long as our conditions for a Great Place are met, we don't ask any awkward questions about where the funding is coming from."

Owner of Foo Bar, Chris Charlatan, tweeted on 1st August "Well, I've been sick....."

South East Grizedale CAMRA Committee Meeting, August 2016

CAMRA to Become Dining Club

Following the success of their Great British Beer Festival Awards dinner, middle-aged red-face type organisation The Campaign For Real Ale has decided to reconstitute itself as a Dinner Society.

CAMRA exec Tim Page told us "The average age of our active members is increasing all the time. They don't want to be gallivanting around towns and cities in search of real ales anymore.  They just want a nice meal and a quiet sit down."

"Let's face it, pretty much every pub is turning to it's food offer these days," continued Page "and our members are pretty much all over 70 now and can't put away the beer like they used to.  Plus it's a good way to keep out the riff-raff who might not be drinking the right things or make CAMRA look shabby in press photos."

"Why, we even refused entry at the Awards Dinner to some brewers who hadn't turned up in evening dress.  Honestly!  How are we meant to improve the image of beer drinking if our alleged representatives do that?"

Asked if, what with the increasing casualisation of dress and manner in the 21st century, what this might mean for the future of real ale drinking, Tim retorted "Future?  What has CAMRA got to do with the future?"

"Yeah, but think how hoppy it must be!"

New Brazilian Craft Cans Launched

Next week, Brazilian craft brewers Garrincha's Goat launch their new microbrewed canned beer Rio Verde.  "This is the beer that will finally put South American beer on the map!" gesticulated head brewer Joao dos Santos. "No longer will we solely be known as the birthplace of the evil ABInBev."

Asked what inspired this beer revolution, dos Santos said "I saw the Olympic Diving on the TV and noticed the green looking pool.  I thought 'What an amazing look! Everyone would want a beer like that!' And luckily, I heard they were draining the pool yesterday.  I had it tankered over to us and, after a bit of fermentation, we have a new beer!"

"We were worried it didn't quite look funny and cloudy enough for a Craft Can beer," he explained "but we got on the phone to the Olympic organisers and they sent us some of the sludge from the bottom of the pool to add and help it look right."

Perusing his preview can of Rio Verde, London hipster type Luke Lumberjack-Shirt mumbled "Hmm. Well, it tastes of chlorine and hydrogen peroxide.  It's bright green and has hairs and skin flakes floating in it. I wasn't too sure of it at first."

"But it comes in a can, right?  I gave it 4 stars on Untappd."

News in Brief #50

"I'm going to battle and evolve these into empty glasses!"

Pokemon Just Want Quiet Drink

As Pokemon Go fever infests the country, pubs and bars are setting themselves up as Pokemon gyms and running PokePub crawls.  "This new thing is awesome," exclaimed Craft Bar owner and inveterate liar Luke Lumberjack-Shirt "All I have to do is, like, go on Facebook and say a Bulbasaur has been found in my till and these people who should know better come round and start buying drinks in an effort to capture it.  I've made thousands this weekend!"

Less happy about this are the Pokemon themselves.  19 year old Charmander Dave Smith told us "I spend all week running around this town based on GPS data, so I know this pub is quiet and can have a nice pint of lager on my break." he complained "But then the barmaid sees me on her mobile and tells everyone I'm here.  I have to hide in the smoking area and hope my flaming tail isn't noticed."

18-year-old Jigglypuff Katrina Brown concurred "Look, I don't want to do any fighting on my day off.  Evolving is all well and good, but sometimes I just want to sit down with a Pimms & lemonade on a hot day without some muppet walking up to me and waving their phone around.  I'd tell them to piss off, if I could only do it without inflating and drawing attention to myself."

We asked CAMRA traditionalist dinosaur and Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake about these events in the pub trade "What?  People wandering around town centres looking for unfamiliar things while ignoring everyone else?  They should come on on South East Grizedale's next Ticker Crawl."

"But I'll have to WAIT a bit LONGER!"

Campaigner Moans About Bar Blockers

This week, bemoaner of modernism and wannabe codger Mudgie Mudgington had yet another unsatisfactory experience in a local pub "I was at my monthly CAMRA meeting, because even I like to feel young sometimes.  Eventually, it was my turn to but the drinks but when I got there, there were these people in front of the bar,"

Continued Mudgie "I couldn't see what was on the pumps or anything.  Even though I was in a Wetherspoons so I knew that it would be Doom Bar, Ruddles, Abbot and a random local golden ale.  Still, these timewasters were just stood there.  It didn't look as they were buying drinks to me."

"Don't these people know," he ranted, warming to his task as usual "that you should just buy your drink and go to a table to sit alone in complete silence.  This "social" thing will be the death of pubs, I tell you.  What they should be doing is going and sitting at a suitable place where they can see everything that's going on in the pub and watching."

"That way, they'll have more things to tweet and blog about. Works for me."

Blah blah clue blah blah in title blah blah

Trade Magazine Mainly Just Ads

Licenced and Hospitality trade rag The Morning Advertiser this week has been revealed to be mostly just advertisments for Licenced and Hospitality trade products.
"
Media type and analysis wonk Bob Obviousinfo revealed his findings "I cut up all the pages of the latest issue and removed all the paid for ads.  Then I removed the 'sponsored content' as that's been paid for too.  And," he went on "after I'd taken out the stuff that was blatantly just rewritted press releases, I was left with just the opinion columns."

"Which were all just parochial, bitter rants against customer stupidity."

"So," disclosed Bob "It appears the Morning Advertiser is mainly paid for by commercial organisations wanting publicity for their products and services, which I'm sure you're aware is absolutely unheard of for a trade magazine.  This will revolutionise the entire industry, leading to more informative and impartial content and increased sales and interest!"

"Or perhaps not.  Whichever is easier and cheaper."

News in Brief #49

You want beer as WELL? 

Craft Bar Actually Just Twitter Feed

Last Thursday evening, Crafty type and thrift store curator Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to look for new awesome place to go "I hadn't checked anything out for, like, hours so loads of places had probably opened since then." he enthused "So I pumped a few hashtags into Twitter regarding beer bars."

"I soon found this place that was in town, The Conferring Alpaca. They said they were putting on Hoppin' Frog Chocolate Bacon IPA on that minute.  Naturally, I rushed, like, straight over."

"But when I got to the address, it turned out to be a boarded-up dry cleaners." whined Luke "They exploited my trusting nature, man. It's terrible."

Owner of the @conferringalpaca feed Dave Flybynight admitted "It's all true. I had no idea you actually had to open a bar these days to do Craft beer."

"I think I'll say I'm putting Ballast Point Star Fruit and Turnip Saison on next. #awesomecraft #dudes."

Annoying the codgers makes it all worthwhile 

Child Goes To Pub

Last Sunday afternoon, a young couple were spotted taking their 6 year old daughter into the Earl of Effingham pub, Guiseley,  much to the ire of local CAMRA treasurer Greg Steakbake. "There's absolutely nothing for children in pubs.  These people are turning my local into a creche!" he ranted.

"If I wanted to spend time with children," continued Greg "I'd spend my time with my family instead of in here. Not that my son ever brings the grandchildren to see me.  Last week I was sat here and 'accidently' kicked a 3 year old who was running around, though his mother didn't see it that way. Idiots."

Trendy young parents Jocasta and Crispin Entitled retorted "Children are the future and should be nurtured and cherished,  and taken everywhere their parents go to experience an enriching adult environment. Anyway, just because we have children doesn't mean our lives are over."

Their daughter Madison added "I only 6 but I like going to the pub with mummy and daddy."

"I have to do this now. I heard there won't be any pubs left to go to by the time I'm 18."

Who needs Cornish independence? They've  taken over

Refurbished Estate Pub Not Selling Doom Bar

Hospitality industry watchers were this week shocked and horrified by the news emerging from pubco estate development job The Bull Tavern, Parbold. "I was astounded at the news." exclaimed reporter Bob Obviousinfo "I looked at the photos or the bar, and Sharps Doom Bar wasn't anywhere to be seen."

"It's doesn't make sense. They have a huge telly showing Sky Sports and a Jagermeister branded fridge. There are even bored young barstaff on their mobiles.  But there's no sign of tasteless brown Cornish filth." said Obviousinfo "This will shake the pub industry to it's core."

Landlord of the Bull, John Shaftedbypunch told us "Yeah, I know I could get it free.  But I'd have to mess about in the cellar and everything with it. My token 'real ale' option is just a cask of water with gravy browning in it. Much cheaper as I can make it in the kitchen. Nobody's complained."

"Mind you, nobody's tried it either. They don't drink cask here."

News in Brief #48

"We'll make sure nobody tells us things we don't want to hear"

CAMRA Revitalisation Continues Apace

Allegedly moribund consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale this week commended it's own success of its ongoing Revitalisation project. "Here at St. Albans we've been reading through all the submitted emails and leaflets," burbled CAMRA founder Michael Hardman "and we can now decide on a proper course of action."

"We've decided to appoint another ten people to the Revitalisation committee. Exciting times are ahead! Nothing says 'prompt decision making' more than extra members on a committee to discuss things." triumphalised Hardman.

"We've also sent emails to all the members inviting them to a meeting next week helpfully located 110 miles away and scheduled for 9am on a Saturday during railway works." continued Mikey "This goes to show how sensitive we are to the needs of the membership. "

South East Grizedale branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake told us "I've made sure our meeting is scheduled for April 2017, so hopefully this nonsense will all be forgotten by then. After that we can concentrate on the really important CAMRA business."

"Like slagging off craft beer in our local magazine."

Rewarding laziness and/or desperation

Barperson Gets Long Service Award

This Monday,  pub service operative Claire Glassbreaker was presented with a trophy celebrating her 6 weeks of employment at the Marquess of Hartington, a town centre pub in Wakefield. "It's a momentous occasion," shouted landlord Barry Shortmeasure "Nobody has ever stayed here so long."

"Normally I sack them before now for being rude to customers, or robbing drinks from the optics. Or they leave under a cloud of sexual harassment allegations. Or they just disappear one day and are never seen or heard of again."

"Claire is major asset to this pub. She never complains about rota changes or loses the keys or sits outside smoking rollies instead of cleaning the bar." congratulated Shortmeasure "I don't know what I'd do without her."

Meanwhile, Claire herself admitted quietly "The awards nice and stuff, but I haven't the heart to tell Barry I'm giving one day's notice tomorrow to go backpacking in Croatia. I'll be sorry to leave this wonderful place and all it's wonderful characters. "

"Actually, that's a lie. So long suckers! "

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Juncker? 

BREXIT Provokes Blogger Reaction

In the commotion created by the UK electorate's decision to leave the European Union, one group of voices has been hitherto ignored, that of Beer Bloggers.

Remainer and awesome dude Curt Mattis expressed his dismay at the results "It's, like, really awful man. I'm going to need to show my passport to people when I go to Europe to create content for my partner breweries."

"Not to mention that all my favourite beers I have shipped over from the USA and all those New World hops will be, like, really expensive now." cried Curty. "I'll probably have to start drinking English beer at Wetherspoons or something. It's awful!"

Happier about events was nostalgist Exiteer and pikestaff wielder Mudgie Mudgington "I heartily approve of this result. For too long, we in the UK have been told what to do by Brussels bureaucrats!"

"No longer will all the road signs have to display all the distances in kilometres, and I'll never be served 500ml of beer instead of a good old British Imperial pint!"

"Except at Sam Smiths of course, where they serve that and call it a pint anyway."

News in Brief #45

The mark of quality

In Date Craft Beer Found in Pub Fridge

Last Sunday afternoon, infrequent drinker Sam Lightweight made an unusual journey to his local in Driffield. "I'd read about these Craft Beer things in the '10 to try' feature in Friday's I paper. So I went down to the Marquess of Anglesey down the road as I heard they had some."

"I went in and looked in the bar fridge and asked for a bottle of Chorlton Sandalwood. It was what they had most of."

"Anyway," continued Sam "I looked at the date on it and to my horror I found it was 24th June 2016. I went against everything I've been told about Craft bottles in pubs. Needless to say, I didn't get the authentic weird and musty taste, or even diarrhoea the following day."

Barry Shortmeasure, the pub's landlord "My fault for not checking, I suppose. Must have got a duff batch from Jimmy Clay's."

"They normally put reassuring post-dated stickers on them, I'm told."

Coming soon to a microbar near you. Frequently 

Town Centre Bar Redecorates

After having it's windows broken by drunken tossers for the fourteenth this year, plate glass riven shop conversion microbar The Dancing Tap is having a drastic redecoration.

Manager Mark Pilkington-Process said "Yeah, I was fed up with it. But had this amazing idea while the emergency glaziers were here patching the place up. Why not, like, have the whole place done out in Smartply? It'd be great and save so much time."

"So I bought 36 sheets of the stuff, and had all the windows, floors, tables, seats, bar and even the bloody handpulls made from it. We're like no micropub in the country now, man.'

"And if anybody tries to smash the place up now," said Mark with a big smile "they'll be poisoned by the formaldehyde fumes."

"It'll serve them right, the twats."

It'll have changed. At least for a while

Local CAMRA Chairman Disappointed With New Management

Last week, the Carpenters Arms in Birtle was taken over by a new management team. As is always the case, they promised great beer, a warm welcome and everlasting wonderfulness. And put it all on a big banner which they stuck above the pub door.

One person underwhelmed by these events, however, was local CAMRA bigwig Hamish McTand "Och, ah'd never go tae the place normally as ah heard it was shite. But ah had something to do nearby and needed a pint."

"Ah walked in, and they ignored me and carried awn cleaning and setting up the till or something, the bastards. Didnae say hello or anything. Drank the pint ah ordered and left. It isnae on. Ah told everybody on ma blog."

Newly-hired barman Tom Ullagefest told us "We'd heard about Mr. McTand and his exacting standards. We were hoping he wouldn't come in until at least our sparkler order had arrived. We can only apologise."

Asked why such a minor faux pas inspired such a reaction McTand said "Ah, though you wouldnae ken it, ah'm just a big sensitive bastard really."

"For a Scotsman, anyway."

News in Brief #44

Johnny Rotten would be Proud

All Money to End Up at BrewDog Eventually

This week, the latest peculiar crowdfunding scheme from narcissists and sometime brewers BrewDog closed with only 80% of its funding acheived.  Chairman Admiral James Watt however has proclaimed it a great success.

"Our Equity For Punks VI has been an awesome victory for Craft Beer fans who don't want breweries to be controlled by faceless big business money men in the City." shouted Watty to his unsceptical acolytes.

"By the way, you can still apply to be an Equity Punk by post. Simply download the form, fill it in, and post with a cheque for £185 to Corporate Money Funding Solutions, London WC1"

We asked symbolic transactional token system Money about the future "Yes, by the looks of it, pretty much all of me will end up at BrewDog by 2023. But that's OK."

"I mean, I'm sure they'll be different from every other business in the whole of history that's ever got hold of me. Right?"

Curty's Institute of Education

Beer Communicator Saves Airport Drinkers From Dreadful Fate

Today at Heathrow Airport Wetherspoons, three Americans were seen drinking keg Boddingtons from atypical glassware. Shockingly, most travellers appeared not too bothered. But not awesome expertise expounder and storyteller Curt Mattis.

"I had to say something. I mean, for a start dimple mugs are so 2014." burbled Mattis "And Boddies is made in, like, Preston or something. I thought of all the wonderful London made beers they could be drinking. Or at least the bottles of Meantime Pale in the bar fridge."

"So I went up to them and asked them how they would feel if I went to their country and drank their crappy beer in front of their drinks experts. Then I explained my credentials as a Beer journalist to them. Went rather well, I thought."

Curty continued "Anyway, I managed to get a later flight after I explained everything to the Border Police. They accepted my hand luggage was a bottle of Cloudwater DIPA and not a bomb like my American friends joked."

"It's good to, like, share my knowledge with a receptive audience."

But where's the CHOICE?

Campaigner Bemoans Local Beer Choice

Living fossil and man who preferred it when this was all fields Mudgie Mudgington this week condemned the Ale selection at one of his local pubs, The Silver Horseshoe, Marple.

"I was on my local CAMRA's Friday crawl and walked into the bar expecting a simple choice." ranted Mudgie "But I was confronted with a choice of twenty different beers. TWENTY."

"I mean, most of them were Pale and hoppy. There were only three dark beers, and I only knew six of the lineup from having them before. I told the barman there should be more choice at this time of the week. He just gave me a strange sideways look."

"I'm sure had I asked the 120 other patrons in the pub that night they would have been as equally disappointed with choice of beer as I was. It's terrible. What are the local wet-led pubs coming to?"

"To be honest," confessed Mudgie " I preferred this place twenty years ago when it only had Holt's Bitter and Mild."

News in Brief #43

Opening Feb 2015 Aug 2015  Jan 2016 Apr 2016 Jul 2016

Craft Bar Opening Eventually

Artisan beer bar The Seed Drill, Wakefield this week again put back it's opening date by another two months. Expectant drinkers in the town have been looking at blacked-out windows and scaffolding since October 2014. "They said they'd be open January last year," moaned local crafty type Adam Usedvinyl "and we're desperate for decent beer in this town, man." while gesturing angrily at the nearby Timothy Taylor pub.

"It's not my fault." opined owner and serial bankrupt Dave Flybynight "I keep discovering important archaeology whenever I try and do any work here.  I'm not having problems funding the unit conversion or anything."

"You'd think these so-called discerning beer drinkers would know the best things take time. I'm aiming to open in November. Probably."

London Crafty Bar manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt upon hearing this news admitted "When opening my place, I just broke into an unused shop and set up the bar overnight."

"There are so many of these micropubs now, everyone just assumes they're all legit."

Unloading the next batch of Bloggers into town

Pubs Full of Travelling Bloggers

According to a survey carried out in February 2016 by Grizedale University, 90% of all transactions in pubs are carried out by people ticking off the pub as visited in order to write a blog entry afterwards.

Landlord of The Wheatsheaf, Pontefract Barry Shortmeasure confirmed this to us "Yeah, it's been happening for a good 18 months now. Take the people in my pub now. One is staying at the local Travelodge on the cheap, and is wandering around with his camera looking for old codgers sat at tables to take pictures of.  Those two over there? One's is walking eight miles between pubs and churches, and the other is going round the locals until the football game starts."

"And her? She's visiting all the Wheatsheafs in the British Isles. I know that because she asked me where the next one was."

"I don't have regular customers anymore," sorrowfully recounted Barry "But these Bloggers are worth more in publicity than any local pissheads sat in here all day."

"Though I charge them based on their Google ranking, of course."

You YOUNG people with your MUSIC and HAIR

CAMRA Terrify Membership With Visions of Youth

This week, all Campaign for Real Ale Members received a brochure detailing the options for CAMRA's future and a bit of paper saying they could have their say. Some are not happy, however. "It's terrible," said Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake "there are all these YOUNG people on the cover!"

"I know the thinking behind this down at St. Albans." complained Steakbake "They're insinuating all the active members are really old and need to be replaced with these people who may even be under 40. Who knows what will happen if they do?"

"So-called Craft Beer may gain Official Approval. I didn't join CAMRA in 1974 to be faced with this now. It's almost as if the future will happen and I'll be left behind."

"I'm not jealous or anything," insisted Greg "If anything they should be jealous of me. Where were they at the first branch meeting in February 1975 at the Farmers Arms, Heckmondwike when it took five of us three hours to take down the minutes because we were all hammered on Tetleys?"

"Great times. I think."

News in Brief #42

Will not get you drunk. Honest

Low ABV Drinker Feels Virtuous

Drinker and serial barstool occupier Dave Smugbucket today sat in his local, sipping a half of 3.1% beer while basking in his own innate goodness and unimpeachable behaviour.

"See this lot around me?" internally monlogued Dave "They're all drinking the stuff that's 4.5% and above. Those are the ones who give pubgoers a bad name. Not me. I'm sensible."

"I'm not here to get worse for wear, or even to feel the effects of alcohol on my system. I'm better than that. No, I'm here to be part of the community in an important British institution." he continued to himself while sat alone on the end of the bar.

His reverie was broken by the barmaid "Another pint of Dogwater Pale on your tab, Dave?"

"That'll be seven on it if you do."

"I'm curating an ongoing dialogue between liquids and glassware"

Hipster Gets Regular Bar Job

Shoreditch cliché and Crafty type Luke Lumberjack-Shirt last week began his new job as a part-time barman at The Green Dragon, Whitechapel. "I'm, like, waiting for my new bean-to-bar chocolate 45rpm record company to reach it's crowdfunding target. It's to help ends meet, man."

"I turned up for my shift at 7pm, and this red faced old guy came up to me and asked for a pint of 'bitter'. I, like, panicked for a minute." confided Luke "Thankfully the Landlord told me it was the second handpump on the right."

"I had no idea anybody drank bitter anymore, man. Nobody I know drinks it anyway. It carried on all night. People ordering, like, Lager and Guinness and even looking as though they enjoyed it. It's a completely different world here. You'd never guess it was EC1." he incredulised

"I mean, dude, it's almost as if flavour and awesome trends weren't the most important things about beer for some people!"

They'll put RFID chips in our BRAINS next

Campaigner Stashes Away Cash Reserve

Living anachronism and dog-with-a-bone opinion type Mudgie Mudgington yesterday slammed the increasing tendency for drinkers to pay by contactless card. "To do so in pubs is folly" he claimed "You never know how much you're spending."

"I once forgot to bring cash to a session" ranted Mudgie "And I ended up drinking the pub out of bitter that night. It's no wonder Landlords like contactless. They want you to spend more money."

"Also," he continued while shaping a roll of bacofoil into a shape reminiscent of headgear "if your money is all electronic, the Government will know what you spend it on and have you taken away for 'Re-Education' by Health Fascists if you dare to even buy that third pint. It's a slippery slope we shouldn't be going down."

"This will lead to the Prohibition Gulag. History will tell you that!"

Meanwhile, government record keeper and GCHQ snooper Clive Wiretap told us *Mudgie? Yeah, we know about him. We patch into the CCTV at Wetherspoons. We've no concerns about him. He appears to spend all his time Tweeting about the forthcoming death of everything he holds dear."

"And looking at cat pictures, obviously."

News in Brief #41

What? You just want a quiet pint? This is 2016, man

Communicator Announces Event

"Are you fed up with so-called 'Meet The Brewer' events? Where the pub is full of people trying to buy and drink beer, talking amongst themselves, and not even listening to the admittedly poor communication skills of the Brewer in question? If you are, then join me, Curt Mattis, at the Marquess of Granby in Highbury on 23/04/16, for the next generation in events. MTB : Reinvented.

"And I'm sure you're fed up of clichéd food matching too.  Well, I will not only be matching the food to the beer using my awesome expertise, but also the music, pub decoration and even the air you'll be breathing.

The brewers themselves, Dave from Flower Garden and Paul from Random Brick will be asking each other questions for your listening to keep the whole thing pertinent. Expect major revelations, such as what they actually think of big brewers. They will not be answering questions afterwards as everyone will be drunk

So, come to MTB : The Right Crowd And No Crowding. (c) Curt Mattis 2016"

Regulars can bugger off. For that day, anyway

Private Party Invades Local 

Last Friday, an 80-strong party of office workers from Garrets Insolvency Ltd. of Bicester, Oxon, booked a private room at a local pub, the Princess Alexandra. "Much easier for everyone than going to Wetherspoons, where anyone could get in" said organiser Roger Bison.

"Everyone turned up at the same time, and the bar was crowded.  There was the room with "Private Party" stuck on the door. But nobody wanted to go in there. John from accounts told me it was the first pub he'd been to and he wanted to feel like a real pubgoer and stood there blocking the bar"

Friday night regular Bob Barfly told us "I know these things help keep the place open in quiet times. But they could at least keep a path open to the bar and the toilet."

"Or even allow me enough room to raise a glass to my lips."

Ironically never reached "Admiral" on the fishing boat

"Punk" Brewery Boss now Admiral

BrewDog co-founder and self-aggrandiser James Watt this week promoted himself in his own business. "I know I've always referred to myself as 'Captain' of the brewery, but my level of responsibility now needs a more important title. I did consider 'Commodore', but none of our bars have vintage computers yet.

" So, I am now the Admiral of BrewDog. The hat I've got for this is much cooler than that flat cap, anyway.  The anchor and everything means I get the respect I deserve. Even from TV documentary makers who would never portray me in a bad light or anything.

"It's great. I can stand on this balcony and proclaim the latest wonderful news about our Punk revolution in Craft Brewing. Not that I want to be surrounded by crawling yes-people or anything. What do you say, fellow Beer Punks?"

"Yes, James!", they replied.