News in Brief #42

Will not get you drunk. Honest

Low ABV Drinker Feels Virtuous

Drinker and serial barstool occupier Dave Smugbucket today sat in his local, sipping a half of 3.1% beer while basking in his own innate goodness and unimpeachable behaviour.

"See this lot around me?" internally monlogued Dave "They're all drinking the stuff that's 4.5% and above. Those are the ones who give pubgoers a bad name. Not me. I'm sensible."

"I'm not here to get worse for wear, or even to feel the effects of alcohol on my system. I'm better than that. No, I'm here to be part of the community in an important British institution." he continued to himself while sat alone on the end of the bar.

His reverie was broken by the barmaid "Another pint of Dogwater Pale on your tab, Dave?"

"That'll be seven on it if you do."

"I'm curating an ongoing dialogue between liquids and glassware"

Hipster Gets Regular Bar Job

Shoreditch cliché and Crafty type Luke Lumberjack-Shirt last week began his new job as a part-time barman at The Green Dragon, Whitechapel. "I'm, like, waiting for my new bean-to-bar chocolate 45rpm record company to reach it's crowdfunding target. It's to help ends meet, man."

"I turned up for my shift at 7pm, and this red faced old guy came up to me and asked for a pint of 'bitter'. I, like, panicked for a minute." confided Luke "Thankfully the Landlord told me it was the second handpump on the right."

"I had no idea anybody drank bitter anymore, man. Nobody I know drinks it anyway. It carried on all night. People ordering, like, Lager and Guinness and even looking as though they enjoyed it. It's a completely different world here. You'd never guess it was EC1." he incredulised

"I mean, dude, it's almost as if flavour and awesome trends weren't the most important things about beer for some people!"

They'll put RFID chips in our BRAINS next

Campaigner Stashes Away Cash Reserve

Living anachronism and dog-with-a-bone opinion type Mudgie Mudgington yesterday slammed the increasing tendency for drinkers to pay by contactless card. "To do so in pubs is folly" he claimed "You never know how much you're spending."

"I once forgot to bring cash to a session" ranted Mudgie "And I ended up drinking the pub out of bitter that night. It's no wonder Landlords like contactless. They want you to spend more money."

"Also," he continued while shaping a roll of bacofoil into a shape reminiscent of headgear "if your money is all electronic, the Government will know what you spend it on and have you taken away for 'Re-Education' by Health Fascists if you dare to even buy that third pint. It's a slippery slope we shouldn't be going down."

"This will lead to the Prohibition Gulag. History will tell you that!"

Meanwhile, government record keeper and GCHQ snooper Clive Wiretap told us *Mudgie? Yeah, we know about him. We patch into the CCTV at Wetherspoons. We've no concerns about him. He appears to spend all his time Tweeting about the forthcoming death of everything he holds dear."

"And looking at cat pictures, obviously."

News in Brief #15

Only need one 14 times as big!

Landlords Celebrate Beer Duty Reduction

George Osborne's budget which, amongst other things, reduced the tax on beer by 1p was greeted with mass jubilation by pub proprietors across the nation. Already, they are planning their next move.

Landlord stereotype Barry Shortmeasure extolled this decision to the hills to us. "This is absolutely wonderful? The government has listened to us and gone a long way to making the pub trade more viable, and preserved an important community institution."

"Of course, I won't be passing the saving on. I'm going to introduce a Caffe Nero-style loyalty card. Buy one pint and get a stamp. With 330 stamps on it, you get a free pint"

"I could use this tax cut to improve the lot of the customer, but I'm sure that's not what George meant."

You could eat your food off it

Hipster 'Dining Experience' Has Roof Replaced

The Procrastinating Weasel, a hangout for obscurantists whom you know are better than you, you mainstream idiot, has finally had it's ongoing refurbishment completed.  "We know it's not even what our oh-so-hip clientele are expecting!" blabbered owner Crispin Sleevetattoo.

"Our roof has been slatted with 850 fine China plates, which are held in place by the finest vintage stainless steel Sheffield cutlery.  We even insisted on the air vents being made of Formica teatrays for extra edginess!"

"Of course," he continued with barely concealed mock-sadness "this means our diners will have to eat face first off the floor, but that's all part of the experience. Man."

Average shop, yesterday

Craft Beer Now Bought By Apparently Everyone

The Office Of National Statistics has produced it's Average Shopping Basket to depict what the average British consumer is buying.  For the first time, Craft Beer is included.

"It's true a lot of craft beer was bought by the people we got the stats from," exclaimed entirely-necessary statistician Tarquin Policywonk "we can't think how this could have happened as so-called mainstream beer outsells the craft at least 4-to-1 in most areas."

In other news, trendy London dwellers Chris Hall and Matt Curtis, who allegedly buy little else but Craft Beer, deny influencing or skewing any statistics whatsoever, honest guv.

I Wish I Was In Crafty Hipster Land

Tourist idiots, Yesterday. And pretty much every day.

It's always some sort of experience going back to a place where you've not been for several years.  Oh, THAT's not there anymore, oh THAT'S become a Starbucks, oh THAT'S been demolished for city regeneration. I remember experiencing this with Stoke, where very little from my childhood remain (some would say this is a good thing).

So, having a week off, I went to Edinburgh for a couple of days. I've stayed several times, but most recently in March 2010 (where I spent most of the time arguing with my ex, but that's another story).

Most of all I went for the drink, of which there is no shortage in Edinburgh. I availed myself of The Scotch Malt Whisky Society members rooms to try and get my £59 a year's worth and avoided places that advertised they had Belhaven Best and Deuchars IPA (you'd think they'd want to keep it quiet).

Most of all, I discovered that Edinburgh has been slowly taken over by Craft. The aforementioned places that used to be there are more often than not now trendy bars full of Evil Keg and hipsters.  Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing exactly, and it's much preferable to dark pubs of 80 Shilling, but it is disconcerting when you didn't expect it.

Whereas it's fashionable on this blog to blame BrewDog for everything (I was reassured at the Edinburgh branch when a massively bearded barman was finally spotted), there are actually places that are even CRAFTIER than BrewDog.

I can't be bothered putting enough all the A's in "Craft" for this

So, eventually I reached The Hanging Bat on Lothian Street, after walking around for 90 minutes looking (I probably needed the exercise after the dubious drinking binges of the previous two days). I knew the place was Craft, but nothing prepared me for HOW Craft. It was like playing hipster bar bingo :

1. No pumpclips or keg font displays. Blackboard instead. Check.
2. Entirely decorated in weathered wood and reclaimed bricks. Check.
3. Bar staff either thin, bearded young men or very thin young women. Check.

4. All beers served in 2/3 measures. Check.
5. Onsite brewery on display out the back. Check
6. Urinals made from sawn-off beer barrels. Check
7.  (and this is the clincher) The taps in the Gents were keg fonts. Check.

Yes. It was the craftiest place I've ever been to. And that's saying something. Mark my words, every pub will be like this in 10 years.

Craaaaaaaaaaaft

Craaaaaaaaaft

There is an unending debate about what is and is not Craft Beer. It will never be solved. For one very good reason.

"Craft Beer" does not exist.

There is, basically, excellent beer, good beer, ok beer, mediocre beer, crap beer and awful beer. The size and ownership of the brewery in question has little impact on the quality of the product.  "Craft" as it stands today is just a tick-box list of the things a certain sector of beer consumers like and expect to see. 

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaft

Microbreweries in London and elsewhere (but mainly London) are tripping over themselves to be the beardiest, distressed-fontiest and railway-archiest brewery around.  They proclaim about being wild and crazy dudes chucking hops and stuff into a bucket and somehow (somehow!) coming out with amazing beer at the end. The fact that brewing is an exacting and careful process, and the people behind the breweries are often refugees from IT,  Commerce and Academia is not mentioned. Because that wouldn't be "Craft".

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaft

Since the whole "Craft" ethos has been distilled down to a basic formula of "Craft" signifiers, it's no surprise the big brewers have taken them and made their own "Craft" beers. In most cases these are no better or worse than so-called "authentic craft". But the fact it's happening shows how easily done it is.

So, enjoy your beer. Macro or micro. Craft keg or cask. But remember that nothing is free of marketing and associated bullshit. Otherwise, stay inside and drink your homebrew.