News in Brief #54

Are there no prisons? No workhouses?  "Thankfully not. I'd have no customers"

Spoons Boss Visited by Ghosts

After announcing this week that his pubs would no longer be doing Christmas dinners, JD Wetherspoon honcho and really good employer honest Timbo Martin has admitted supernatural visitations.

"The first night," said Timbo "I was visited by a ghost of a pissed up office worker in a Santa hat. He took me to one of my pubs during Xmas 2015 where everyone was tucking into microwaved sliced turkey and defrosted sprouts. I noticed how everyone seemed happy enough."

"I thought nothing of it, until the following night where I was awoken by an apparition of a dishevelled and red faced old man holding a pint of John Smiths. I was transported to a vision of 2016 where the pub was deserted except for three lone alcoholics drinking treble Bell's."

Timbo continued "So, it was with trepidation I went to sleep on the third night. Sure enough, a sharp suited spectre appeared and he was brandishing a contract. 'This site is worth 750k in today's market, Mr. Martin' he said."

"What could it possibly all mean?"

"Mmm. Yes. Dear boy. These clothes are suitable for 1970s Stockport. "

Campaigner Goes Back to 70s

Fulfilling a long-time wish earlier this month, boring beer drinker and full-time grumpy sod Mudgie Mudgington got to travel back in time to his preferred era. "Who would have thought that the TARDIS would visit Stockport?" he exclaimed.

"Luckily I'd already saved up plenty of pre-1977 1p and 2p coins, and all those one and two shilling pieces for when decimalisation is repealed.  And my fashion sense hasn't moved on since 1962, so I fit in perfectly when I arrived."

"Sadly, when I got to the pub it was rammed, and there were all these blokes blocking the bar. When I got to the single electric real ale pump through the fog of smoke, the barman told me it was off and served me Whitbread Trophy instead."

"So I carried my pint of fizz to the one free spot by the jukebox." continued Mudgie  "Well, I thought, at least there'll be some decent Progressive Rock to listen to. But all it contained was Brotherhood of Man, Brian & Michael, and The Smurf Song. I downed my pint of keg, burped loudly and left."

"Waiting outside for the Doctor to take me back to 2016, a stray tabby walked past. But any cuteness was disabused when an 8-year-old boy grabbed it, and stuck a lit firework up it's backside."

"It's almost if," exclaimed a shocked Mudgie "the old days weren't all that good after all. "

So retro!

Football Club Bans Crafties

In shocking news this week, a Shoreditch resident was escorted out of his local football club for breaking the stadium's Dress & Behaviour Code. "It was horrible." cried horn-rimmed glasses wearer and avocado smasher Luke Lumberjack-Shirt "I thought football was meant to be inclusive."

"I bought my ticket, went into the ground and sat down. Then this, like, guy in a luminous jacket handed me a note. Match Day Notice it said.  'This is family friendly ground and skinny jeans and man buns are not permitted on Match Days'. Don't they want people like me to watch the game."

"But that wasn't the worst thing. One paragraph explained that only drinks purchased in the ground were allowed. Had I, like, got out my bottles of Partizan and Weird Beard, they'd've been confiscated and I'd've had to drink Coors Light."

"Despite it all, I decided to stay. But when my awesome buds Josh and Nathan arrived and we started discussing dry hopping and barrel aging, we were asked to leave by the stewards. Apparently  we were disturbing nearby fans with our esotericism. "

"I won't be going again, man." whined Luke "I don't feel comfortable there anymore."

A club spokesman told us "Give us a break, guv. There has to be at least one part of London that isn't gentrified yet."

The Pursuit of Homogeneity

Castle, yesterday

In my latest much-commented-upon eccentric decision, I'm presently on holiday in Newcastle-under-Lyme. Sure, you can go to places like Barbados or Aruba or Hawaii, but what could those locations possibly offer in comparison to the view I can see from my hotel room presently?

Anyway, as unpromising as this location may appear, it is a five minute walk from the the local Craft bar, Ten Green Bottles (which I mentioned here a few months back).  To be fair, Castle does lack obvious entertainment options (unless you're a connoisseur of demolition/building sites or Butters John Bee signs) so I have spent much of the last 24 hours in establishments such as this.

The aforementioned Craft bar is, well, Craft.  I'm sure anyone who reads this will know what that entails.  I myself know what to expect, and didn't blanch when quoted £6.50 for a single can of Beavertown Bloody Notorious.  It's the going rate for such things, or so I'm told.  And after that somewhat hefty alcohol hit, I decided to go on a 15 minute walk to the the local beer-led (as in both cask and craft) place, The Hop Inn on Albert Street.

Craft, yesterday

I let myself into the Lounge Bar and saw Dark Star Espresso was on. Fair enough, and ordered a pint of that.  While I was halfway down said pint, the bar manager climbed onto the bar to amend the "Craft Keg" blackboard. "Ooh, What's on next?" I thought.  Yes, The Hop Inn now had Beavertown Bloody Notorious on draught.   An otherwise unpromising North Staffordshire market town now had two places that served the Craftiest thing you could think of on a cloudy Wednesday evening in July.

Me? I'd had it already so had a pint of Bass next instead.  Then it occurred to me - Bass is likely now to be more difficult to find in this town than 9.1% Blood Orange Collaboration Double IPA, which would have been unthinkable even five years ago.

This is the strange thing about Craft Beer drinkers. They like their sours, saisons, imperial stouts and double IPAs.  And they want to find them wherever they go. Preston, Newcastle-under-Lyme, Derby. Peterborough - if it has a Craft bar, then this is what it must do.  The actual brewers of said beers must vary, but the styles have to be there lest the bar or town be condemned as boring or behind the times.  While the Crafty types condemn "boring" golden ales or bitters that were ubiquitous 20 years ago, their pursuit of novelty has simply resulted in a new kind of homogeneity.

Don't get me wrong, I like the Craft stuff. I wouldn't have paid £6.50 for that can if I didn't. But I do like a more diverse experience than some of the more fashion-oriented beer types seem to be looking for.  If the march of Craft wipes out or even diminishes the more traditional beer styles in the name of "awesomeness", then beer culture will be much the poorer for it.

Old man beer, yesterday

Homegeneity created in the name of diversity.  The Law of Unintended Consequences.  Who knows?  Get down the pub and order a pint of bitter. You may even like it.

Dedicated Follower of Fashion

They seek it here, they seek it there

As many of you know, I work in a shop that sells (amongst other things) beer. We do around 300 lines of what is known in the trade as "Premium Bottled Ales", and have won awards for it. However, about 18 months ago our beer buyer decided this was not enough. No. He'd read that "Craft" was now a "thing".

So, we spent two days shoving up the PBAs and "World Lagers" to make room for the extra 90 lines he'd decided we should have, completely buggering the layout that took me a week to do in August 2012. But no matter. We were now selling stuff like DNA, Goose Island Honkers and cans of Thwaites 13 Guns.

Since the time it went in, I have learned many things about craft beer retailing. One being the habits of your average Crafty.  One person I know looked over our whole bay of Craft Cans and said "Well. It's ok. I suppose. Will you be getting Magic Rock in?" Two months later Salty Kiss, Cannonball and High Wire were listed and duly arrived.

Mr. Resident Crafty came shopping two days later. I took him to the beer and showed him our shiny new lines. "Hmm. Cannonball's alright. But will you be getting any Moor soon?". Ok. Right then. Eventually our buyer reached Bristol on his tasting tour, and the Moor came in at the end of April.

Mr Crafty told me that Nor'Hop and So'Hop weren't the best we could have got from them. Any more new lines coming in?

And this is the thing about trying to appeal to the Hardcore Crafty consumer. Your range, however large or diverse is never quite good enough. You need a constant turnover of "new" and "exciting" stuff otherwise they get bored and complain. In matters of the Craft, they are as fickle as can be.

We're getting Beavertown Bloody 'Ell and BrewDog Black Hammer soon. Do you think they'll be happy then?

News In Brief #39

Soon to be in the 2017 Good Beer Guide

Shed Given ACV

Last week, South East Grizedale Borough Council declared a 6 x 8 Overlap Apex shed an Asset Of Community Value. The owner of the wooden construction, Greg Steakbake said "This is an amazing victory for those of us who want our heritage preserved."

"I myself," proclaimed Steakbake "have invested almost £500 in this building.  I've installed a second-hand woodworking bench to which I've screwed an Angram pump and connected up a cask of Black Sheep bitter. This is an important community hub. For me and my CAMRA committee mates to drink away from our wives and their ceaseless chatter, anyway"

We asked Greg what the criteria were for this being an asset to the wider community in his environs. "What? Those bastards? If they cared there's still be a pub in the village. They just sit at home watching Netflix and drinking Pinot. We never see them. The CAMRA committee is the only community left."

Local resident Samantha Locke-Dore told us "Pubs? How very 19th Century!"

"We're paid £5.90 an hour and don't care!"

Student Left In Charge for the Day

Dismally typical pub landlord, Barry Shortmeasure today left his pub in the sole control of his single member of staff, 19-year-old Gender Studies student Josh Muppetshow "It's half term, and the ex wants me to take our son to Alton Towers. It should be fine. I've left a job list for him." desperately self-reassured Shortmeasure.

"Man, cleaning?" whinged Josh "I, like, clean my flat once a month. Nothing needs cleaning in here. I'll just sit here and sample all the beer. Barry's got loads, man. He won't miss it."

By 6:30pm things had taken a turn for the worse. "There's nobody here but old codgers, man." he complained "And my mobile battery's run out and I left my charger at home and I'm, like, out of rollies. This is boring, man. There's nothing to do" as the empties piled up on the right of the bar.

"I'm gonna ask all my mates to come down, man. They won't buy any drinks as they spent all their cash on weed. But I'll just give them free drinks."

"If Barry, like, fires me, it doesn't matter. I start at Costa on Thursday"

"We love you and will wait FOREVER for beer!"

Crafties Organise Piss-Up in Brewery

In celebration of their 5th Birthday, North London Craft Brewery Random Brick announce a free entry party at their industrial estate based brewery in Edgeware.

"Yeah, I mean its a great thing" expostulated brewery owner Damien Fixedgear "Despite us only having room for twenty people and only having one toilet we thought, well, why the hell not. We owe our wonderful customers a great event to pay £4 a third for."

"Of course, the toilet failed after 45 minutes." commiserated Fixedgear "So I got an empty Keg, and told them to aim down the hole at the top. They loved it. Everyone said they really felt a part of the Craft Beer Revolution."

Luke Lumberjack-Shirt, a late-arriving punter among hundreds said "I knew I wasn't likely to get any beer, having got here 10 minutes after opening. But I just wanted to be part of this thing. Actually, I bought a can of Random Brick Quince Saison from some bloke who was flogging them out of a box."

"If nothing else," proclaimed Luke "the sheer amount of shivering, thirsty and disappointed customers stood in this car park just goes to show how awesome Craft Beer is."

Rumbled Lows

Insert jokes  about AB-InBev having Jasper over a barrel here

I suppose everyone has done, or will be doing, their Review of the Year. I'm sure you'd all be fascinated about what beer and breweries I like, how much Evil Keg I've drunk, and how many Bloggers and Tweeters I've offended this year. But I won't be doing any of that.

Instead, I'll be concentrating on what I think the main trend of 2016 will be - The Final Rumbling of Craft Beer.

What with Camden and Meantime being bought up by big beer this year, and Meantime being flogged off again in a few months, it could be said that we're entering the next phase of the beer market. Now at around 1500 breweries in the UK some consolidation will undoubtedly take place, be it acquisitions and mergers, or simply winding-ups when the people behind them find a brewery unable to pay its way.

And this is where Craft will be Rumbled. Being small businesses, Craft breweries cannot use the marketing techniques of AB-InBev or Heineken. Instead, they try to be your friend. They reply to your tweets and FBs personally, the Head Brewer talks to you at Meet The Brewer events, and Bloggers may get 'with compliments' bottles delivered to their home.

Let's be clear about this. It's unlikely breweries are doing this because they love you and think you're a great person. No, this is what they do to get their company name 'out there'. The actual quality of the beer is almost immaterial. Stuff will sell if the right people are seen drinking it, basically.

And with the selling off/big business 'investment' in Craft breweries, all this will now be exposed. Yes, they did just want your money, man. You will see plenty of tear-stained blog posts like this one from Matt Curtis crying about their favourite brewery being sold off and no longer being part of The Community.  Reading it, I thought "Well, what did you think it was all about, mate?"

Remember : A business is not your friend. It may not be as rapacious as a massive corporation, but in the end it exists to make money.  A brewery being nice to you is, in the end, just a different way of getting you to part with your money.

It'll be a harsh day when certain beer types realise this. But, in my opinion, not before time.

Selling

But it's not like that on the TV when it's cool for cats

I've heard it said that the main thought behind all human interaction is this : "How do I get what I want from this person without me looking bad?"

There are many opinions about the exact point when an ostensible "Craft" brewery reaches the point of no longer being "Craft". The obvious one is it being bought by a macro. Other popular theories include supplying Tesco or contract brewing for other beer brands. But no, these aren't the real Endpoint of Craft.

No, it's when the brewery hires it's first member of staff specifically for Sales.

Though I've been cruel about the hidden intentions of some brewers in the past, it's probable that most of them do actually care about making the best beer they can. It's difficult to make a fortune as a microbrewery, so there must be other reasons for doing all that hard work with the mash run other than wanting to make millions.

It's fair to say that most went into it to make beer, and actually having to actively flog the stuff to distros and pubs is regarded as a chore. So, as soon as funds allow, a brewer hires someone to do the work of marketing and selling their beer.  No matter how good your product is, it's unlikely to sell itself.

How many of these sales staff actually know much about beer? Hard to say, but selling is fairly specialised in the 21st century. What isn't specialised is the product itself. Beer, Gin, ukuleles, 6mm steel tubing, the sales techniques are the same. Convince them they need it, and that you have it for them. For a "fair price", of course.  The Salesman doesn't need to like the product. He just has to sell it.  And he will use any means necessary to do so.

This blog post, and especially the comment section details what happens when the hitherto chummy world of Craft Beer collides with the world of modern marketing. And the Crafties are horrified. " Somebody tried to sell me beer and it turned out to be no good!", they cry. Well, yes, how do you think it gets sold? By it's own merits via Twitter?

The lesson to be learned here is : just because someone appears to be interested in you or your beer shop or pub, does not mean they care. They just want to sell their crap to you, and know being nice garners better results than rude pushiness.

People are not nice without a reason, I'm sorry to say.

News in Brief #32

Soon to be consigned to history

Beer Bloggers Proclaim End of Beer Blogging

Thinly-veiled nom-de-plume scribblers and weighty prose Bloggers Bake and Bowley last week announced that beer blogging was at an end.

"Blogs have nothing new to say." intoned Bake  "All they do is retread the same ground about drinking and opinions about breweries. Everyone who was good at it has either finished or turned into a paid journalist and Beer Communicator."

Bowley continued "As for us, we only read and share pieces by professional writers, whom these days are our peers.  What can be more tedious and self-defeating than reading posts written by those doing it for so-called 'fun'."

"Beer blogging has served it's purpose." chanted both Bake and Bowley in unison "That is, to produce Us."

This is the Circle Line, right?

Crafties Travel To Outer London Beer Festival

Hipster types and people who work hard at looking as if they don't care too much Alanis Hash-Tagge and Luke Lumberjack-Shirt last Friday decided to take up their trade invitations to a Local Craft Beer Event.

"We, like, printed out our tickets to this 'IndyMan' thing," burbled Alanis "but we didn't recognise the map or directions. We called a taxi and gave them to the driver. It took 2 hours and £350 to get there. I think it's some kind of record in getting within 5 miles of the M25 from Shoreditch"

"We arrived at this cool old swimming pool." enthused Luke "Must have been, like, in Borehamwood or Rickmansworth or something.  Anyway, there was plenty of Camden Hells and we had a few thirds of that."

"After the tasting session finished, we asked our Uber driver to take us to the nearest tube stop. He looked, like, all confused for a bit, but he took us there."

"We were shocked to see it painted an unrecognisable yellow, though" perturbed Luke "And they'd redesigned the Underground Map and renamed the network 'Metro'. We put it down to that 10% New Zealand beer we had."

"We're still there, actually." confided Alanis "Where is Eccles anyway? I think it's a new station on the Hainault loop."

Dreadful people with poor social skills, yesterday

Inactive Member Fails to Meet Fellow CAMRA Types

Veteran Campaign for Real Ale member Dustin Loft this week realised he had never done anything with his membership but get 10p off his weekly 3 pints of Fuller's London Pride. "So," he announced grandly to nobody in particular "I decided to attend the local Branch Meeting at the Hard Peg in Harold Wood."

"I'd heard awful things about them, but decided to go along without any preconceived notions" he convincingly argued.

"When I arrived I saw them at a large table in the corner. A group of middle aged men deep in conversation and laughing intermittently.  I waited at the bar to be summoned"

"After 45 minutes, one of them came up and stood next to me, as if ordering a round of drinks. I had helpfully laid out my CAMRA membership card and " Association of Beer Communicators " certificate on the bar for easy seeing. But he just picked up his drinks and went back to the corner table." complained the offended Loft. "He just grunted and didn't even meet my gaze"

"It's no wonder the local CAMRA group have such a bad reputation if they behave like this. It's almost as if they expected me to go up and introduce myself."

"I'm not renewing my membership." ranted Dustin  "I could never be part of such a conceited and insular organisation."

You're Moving Out Today

"Pay no attention to the industry behind this graphic"

A question : Why are so-called Craft breweries taken over so easily by major concerns?

Whether it's Goose Island, Boulevard, Meantime or Lagunitas, Crafties both in the UK and USA are "selling-out" (as I believe these events are referred to by the Hipper end of the beer communication movement). But why are these types of beer makers (let's call them Keg Hopfuck brewers) so sought after and easily acquired, as opposed to the mid-range mainly cask brewers (Thornbridge, DarkStar etc.)

One reason is because such things are fashionable. Big beer, though it outsells the Craft even in the biggest markets by a ratio of 4:1, has been declining in both absolute and real terms in these markets for a decade. So what do SABMiller and AB-InBev do to maintain market share? Buy up smaller breweries, of course. All those 0.1%s add up to something eventually.

But the main reason is that Craft Brewers have far more in common with Macrobreweries than the clichéd "boring brown bitter" concerns.

Take your average rapidly expanding Keg Hopfuck brewery. In the main, they'll have been started by a well educated and connected person or group. They'll often bullshit their potential buyers by saying "we started brewing for ourselves and it just got big on us man".  But their assault on the market will have been invariably carefully planned. Publicity. Social media. Blogger outreach. The lot.

While they will claim to have started up to make excellent beer and get it to pubs to improve choice, it's actually all about making money. Ironically, it only works if the beer itself is some good, otherwise the plan would be seen through early on (as we're seeing now from chancers like Brewhive etc.).

So, when this Keg Hopfuck brewery gets to a certain size, the macros will come calling. Negotiations will be entered into, and they will go well. Because the Entrepreneurial Crafties and Macro Executives talk the same language. No matter what promises the Keg Hopfuck brewery has made to their fanbase about not " selling out", they will.

The whole signifiers of Craft Brewing, the tattoos, the plaid shirts, the beards, even the "punk" attitudes if you will, are simply marketing devices to appeal to a certain segment of the consumer base. It's no more or less cynical than the creation of your average Boy Band. If they ever meant anything authentic, they don't now

I like "Craft beer", and much prefer it to Boring Brown Bitter, but for me it's the taste I prefer. I don't buy into the Craft Lifestyle thing. I've been around too long to believe in such things. It pains me to say this, but if the Crafty Hipster Brigade were concerned about authentic Artisan produce, they would drink microbrewery cask bitter rather than the products of, say, Beavertown.

Enjoy your beer, guys. Just don't expect it to match your long term expectations.

The Angelica Pickles of Beer Bloggery

Talks to both Babies and Grown Ups

The longer I do this thing, the more I become aware of the Generation Gap in the beer blogosphere.

On the one hand, there is the Crafty brigade. Usually about 25, urban, digital and social media savvy, highly educated and wanting to express their connoisseurship of everything they're into.  Tends to drink awesome juicy bangers at the local Craft Bar. Generally disparaging of traditional beer and pub culture as chapeau vieux (as they no doubt do not say in France). Run blogs with photos showing themselves and their alarmingly similar friends drinking Evil Keg at a big table.

On the other, there are the Veteran Pubgoers. Usually about 55. Been in CAMRA since the late 1970s. Can usually work Blogger and Twitter but not much else. Likes pubs on quiet afternoons to drink 4% brown bitter. Generally disparaging of Craft Beer as overhyped and unbalanced, and Craft bars as uncomfortable. Run blogs with photos showing themselves sat with a couple of friends at a country pub or biergarten in Germany.

But what strikes me most is how little there is in between.  Sure, there's Boak & Bailey who drink both the Evil Keg and the Boring Brown Bitter, but they're doing it for the record (and their blog will become an important historical document if some way is found to preserve it), rather than simple personal amusement. But what is being done my my generation, those around 40?

Possibly the reason is we came of drinking age in the early 1990s. There wasn't any Craft in those days, and even back then a 20 year old would have regarded Real Ale as a middle-aged man's drink. No, we drank Lager. And it seems a lot of us have stuck to it. Plus, most of us have families and careers and so have little time for bloggery and social mediasing.

As for me, I have no family and few commitments to speak of.  So, I can spare the time for this sort of thing. I'm young enough not to have the baggage against the Craft, but old enough not to be swept away with enthusiasm about how awesome it all is. Not being the greatest of social bunnies, too, helps me maintain a detached perspective on beer matters. No mutual reinforcing feedback loops for me.

As I always say, if you don't really fit in anywhere, then embrace your difference.

Snobbery

A human being has many needs. The need to sate hunger, slake thirst, satisfy sexual urges, and most importantly finding somebody, anybody to look down on.

As someone who is, to put it mildly, at some distance from rest of human society, I see it pretty much everywhere. I've often been the victim of it myself, obviously different as I am. Oddly, the places snobbery seems most prevalent are those that must trumpet their open-mindedness and inclusivity.

Down the years, I've seen many instances of sneering elitism at the trendier end of the beer fan spectrum. The blanket dismissal of cask ale as "boring brown bitter", the deigning of certain populist pub chain as hangouts for the plebs, and of the drinker of " insufficiently Craft" beers as dupes of big business.

This school of thought reaches its apogee in this blog post from an Awesome Beer Curator in London, where he sees a beer brewed by one of his top faves in a Wetherspoons, and slags off the general public for probably not knowing who the brewer is or how good his other beers are.

I can only assume this is because Crafty Beer Fandom is mostly populated by middle-class and University educated people in their mid twenties. People of this background have, since the age of sixteen or so, usually only ever had extended exposure to people just like them . This produces a feedback loop of mutually reinforcing views and behaviours, meaning they can be as condescending as they wish to those who they consider inferior without any risk of real comeback.

So, instead of seeing things they don't like as things to be tolerated, ignored, or avoided, they see them as Problems that must Be Solved.  In practice this means retreating to the local Crafty Bar, and blogging and tweeting about the Right People And Things to your mates to the exclusion of much else. Except to vehemently disagree with it.

I can live with this. As I found out gradually, people don't stay in their mid twenties forever and eventually grow up. Who knows, one day they may even end up like me.

I hope this blog is an antidote to snobbery. I'm fair, as I slag off everyone.

News in Brief #23

New Beer Blog Starts Up

92% of pub patrons not hip enough for acknowledgment

Owing to the shortage on the internet of people expounding their beer-related opinions, East London dweller Curt Mattis has begun his own beer blog covering his local scene.

Intrigued by this exciting new development, we tweeted him (his sole method of online communication) and asked what he'll be covering in his forthcoming posts.

"Yeah, I'll be blogging about the important stuff that's happening in my locality," enthused Mattis "like the local beers my friends and I have been tasting. Not drinking, of course. That would be uncouth. I'll also be talking to local brewers who's beers, views and education I consider acceptable."

Asked if these seemed a bit insular, Curty-boy bibbled "Dear me no. It's not as if we're metropolitan elitists or anything. We just want to talk about the right people and things."

"It's just that I feel strongly that the London Independent Beer Scene is underrepresented in the online media."

Wetherspoons Announce New Offer

"But you'll never sell it as cheap as me!"

Following the "success" of their Craft beer offer, bottom-end drunk-hooverers JD Wetherspoon are attempting to disrupt the market in an entirely new sector of the drinks market.

"Pubwork", as the information boards refer to it, offers the typical Wetherspoons customer the chance to buy a public house in the fomerly-industrial Midlands or an ill-trodden part of the South-East at a heavily bulk-discounted price.

" It's true," expounded Spoons Overlord Timbo Martin "We bought a large amount of these pubs in bulk, and things haven't quite worked out.  So we've decided to clear them out before all the paperwork starts clogging up my office in Watford. And who wouldn't want the opportunity to own The David, Purley or the The Hugo Guthrie in Tipton for £800 and a couple of CAMRA tokens?"

Closed Pub aficionado Mudgie Mudgington exclaimed "I think it's disgraceful. I was hoping to add these pubs to my website next week."

Licensee Expresses Surprise About Bad Beer

CAMRA in Right For One Shocker

Stereotypically chiselling pub owner Barry Shortmeasure yesterday expressed shock and dismay that a large number of his customers had fallen ill as a result of drinking one of the beers on offer at his pub last Saturday.

"I bought that keg of lager in good faith," pleaded Barry "I had no idea that it could possibly be either contaminated or off."

"This bloke covered in paint stumbled into my pub at 2pm on a Thursday when nobody else was in and said 'Ere, mate. Just done a job, and got these barrels to get rid of. I'll take thirty five quid for the pair.' I mean, who would be suspicious about that? The seals looked OK to me."

Customer Jim Undiscerning told us "We did wonder when it poured out dark brown and cloudy. Especially as the the font said it was Beck's Vier. But it was really hot and I didn't like to say anything."

"I had terrible diarrhoea and vomiting the morning after. But on the plus side it took 6 pints to do that than the usual 4 it takes at Barry's pub."

News in Brief #14

Potteries Proclaimed Next Beer Destination

Formerly appalling postindustrial hellhole Stoke-on-Trent has become the new place to go for exciting beer times, or so says local brewery owner, Titanic's Keith Bott.

"We have the money here to support Craft beer in Stoke. I hear there are at least two people in Hartshill who earn more then £15,000 a year. Are they C1s or C2s? Who knows?  What with cheap property prices, the hipsters will soon be here with their beards and tattoos as well."  

With increasingly desperation Bott continued "Fenton even has a Wetherspoons, you know.  I think they do craft.  We've asked the local free houses to put in a keg font for our nitro stout. That should start the Craft revolution here."

When told about this former pot bank transfer-applier Arnold Bloor muttered over his half of Ansell's Mild "Craft? Nee nayd to get a reet cob on, duck."

"Oooh! I hide my wine in the baby's bottle too!"

Starbucks To Start Serving Coffee

With the recent news that Tax Avoidance/Beverage company Starbucks is to start serving alcoholic drinks at its establishments, further range expansion plans have been revealed.

"I know people will be surprised by this move," wittered CEO Roger Dodd-Pigott "by from May we will be serving 'coffee'.  Apparently, it's a new thing that people have been adding to their frothy warm milk every morning.   Anecdotal evidence suggests that this infusion of ground beans gives the drinker the energy needed to get through a day of tedious nonsense.  As someone who spends my day with tax accountants and HMRC, I myself can see the advantages."

We asked around at a Starbucks about the anticipated success of 'coffee'. "We can't see it catching on here." said twin pushchair mover Artemisia Floraldress.

"I think we'll stick to Pinot Grigio for breakfast like we always have."

They're here, they're loud, and their GP prospects are poor

Working Class Person Enters Pub

The impossible was achieved yesterday when both CAMRA and the Crafty Hipster community agreed on something. Namely the problem of working class people in pubs.

"Whereas my colleague and I disagree on almost everything about beer and pubs," said local CAMRA branch treasurer Greg Steakbake "neither us want poor people cluttering up our favoured places swilling down pints of yellow fizz."

Nineteenth-century woodsman appearance affecter Josh Fixedgear continued "It's true. If you let these people in and allow them to consume macro lager, then who knows what will happen. They'll probably start laughing and shouting and singing. We won't be able to hear our delightfully obscure playlist."

Steakbake tipsily rambled on "The sooner these people are priced out with £3.50 real ale (" And £6 craft keg!" interrupted Fixedgear) the better, before our favoured watering holes become a morass of earrings and tracksuit bottoms."

The working classes were unavailable for comment, as they were watching Sky Sports at home with a slab of Carling.

News in Brief #12

Craaaaaaaaaaaaft

Regional Brewery Condemns Microbrewery Sector

Colonel Lehybison-Smythe, Chairman of mid-size manufacturer of vaguely flavoured brown fluids Lehybison's Brewery has slated the nation's small brewers for making his life difficult.

"How dare they," lambasted the Colonel "pay less duty just because they're based in tin sheds rather than purpose built buildings with up-to-the-minute brewing equipment.  It's almost as if they think being in the beer business is harder work for them because they don't have an estate of pubs and an extensive free-trade network.  As such they can sell their beer cheaper than me. How can we compete with their obviously unfair advantage?"

"I knew it would end like this. The bastards have forced brewers like Lehybisons to make beer that tastes of something. Last week we were forced to treble the hopping rate from one to three cones per 100 barrel batch. And we had to put a packet of Hobnobs in it so we could call it 'Craft' "

"The sooner the whole Craft thing comes to an end, the happier I'll be."

Typical beer and typical drinker from the Press Association

Stock Photo Guy Raking It In

The pint-drinking man in the photo you see in every single beer and pub related article on major news websites has revealed his burgeoning wealth due to the ever-expanding coverage of the industry.

"It's great." said Nigel Hulton-Getty, formerly a random bloke at the nearest pub to a stock photo agency "I get a royalty of 1p for every 10,000 unique loads of that pic . Recently, there was an article on the Telegraph website about Evil Binge Drink Britain, which netted me a grand. Two days later, BBC Online did something about alcohol consumption plummeting over the last decade in the 18-30 age group. Got £1300 for that. Top stuff."

Asked what he spends the cash on, Hulton-Getty told us "Well,  not on beer, old boy. The stuff's filth."

"The photo was posed, you know. I spat it out afterwards."

It's meant to taste like that. No, honest, it really is

Gose "Plot to Exploit Crafties"

Newly fashionable beer style Gose has been revealed as a scam to extract money from novelty-desperate craft beer fans.

"It didn't start out that way." pleaded desperate German brewer August Sauerscheiss "We also make sausages and one day the head brewer was drunk, and dropped the entire batch of seasonings into the copper by mistake. After brewing it up, we decided to sell it anyway, even though it tasted like alcoholic seawater. It's not our fault if a load of hipsters declare it the greatest thing ever and force us to continually brew it."

"Not that we're complaining. This is the best brewing con since that large batch of Kristallweizen went cloudy and sour due to infection and we invented 'the Saison'."

Lawrenson's 2014 Year in Review

I had thought about doing the Golden Pints thing, but as I don't lead what I believe is called the "typical beer blogger recreational drinking lifestyle" (Beer and Pubs - A Personal History), I couldn't see how I'd be able to fill in the requisite categories. So, this is my attempt at an assessment on the year's beer related activities as seen and done by me.

To me, actual beer hasn't progressed that much this year. Not living in a hipster enclave, I haven't drunk many fashionably weird beers this year. Preston's new beer place, The Moorbrook is possibly the only outlet for such things around here, but even there lager and Thwaites Original outnumber the sales of crafty stuff. The spectacle of seeing them unable to shift Mad Hatter Manchester Tart would not be seen much, I trust, south of Wigan. (Jaipur £3.30 a Pint)

One hitherto craft place to was reduced to installing Peroni on the fonts to drum up sales. And despite being vastly overpriced for what you get, it's at least the 3rd best selling beer there. I did question this at the time, saying that while it won't necessarily bring in the "wrong sort", Peroni will encourage them to linger longer than they otherwise would have done. (Regression to the Mean)

In the absence of decent Craft in many towns, drinkers now at least have a better selection at the local Wetherspoons. There's the Sixpoint in cans, the Lagunitas, the Adnams Red Rye IPA. In fact, in many places the Spoons will be the best place to go for decent beer. And then there's ridiculously-named BrewDog This. Is. Lager, which is a decent enough pint of fizz for £3.30. Though how BrewDog can now claim to be making Beer For Punks while shifting pallets of stuff at Timbo's and Tesco's is a moot point (Interview with Baron Dickie of Ellon).

As for me, well there's been good times and bad. I had an immense 16-hour drinking session in Edinburgh in October, which is possible now the whole of Scotland's capital has gone Craft (I Wish I Was in Crafty Hipster Land), but that's pretty much the only ludicrous thing I've done this year. There have been, unfortunately, a few too many incidents where I've ended up a mess (both mentally and physically) on the bus and afterward due to unwise drink choices.  But as I'm still unaware of how that happens, I'll have to live with it for the time being. Or, as I often did, switch to Fentiman's if I'm feeling delicate.

On to 2015, then. Towards my 40th birthday in 49 weeks.

Oooooooold.

News in Brief #8

Police Crack Down on Alcohol-Fuelled Disorder

Drink-related riot, yesterday

Police across the country have braced themselves for Christmas drinking misbehaviour this December.  Statistics from the Institute of Spurious Reasoning have predicted that alcohol related disorder will increase 500% year-on-year due to life being generally more shit than last year.

Town centre night copper PC Dave Fakestatement said "I spotted an office worker going into a public house and observed him ordering a half of lager. I waited outside for 30 minutes until he exited and questioned him about his intentions."

"He said 'What's all this about?'. So, naturally I arrested him for being drunk and disorderly and for resisting arrest."

"The streets will be safe tonight thanks to the sterling efforts of HM Constabulary"

Local Brewery Abandon Best Bitter

The drink of dinosaurs

Local manufacturers of flavour-shy liquid Lehybison's Brewery today announced that from April, they will be ending production of their 4.2% Best Bitter due to 'declining demand'.

Explaining the decision, Chairman Colonel Lehybison-Smythe told us "Best Bitter is last century's product. Our image consultants said it doesn't fit in with our expensive refurbishments of local pubs.  Let's face it, all the codgers who drink it will be dead soon anyway."

"Of course, we'll be bringing it back in September with a Crafty makeover. We'll call it 'Colonel Lee's American Brown Ale' or something."

Crafties Starve Due to Food Pairing Fail

The ideal match is a 10% Imperial IPA. Quelle surprise

Hipsters across the land went without their Christmas dinner due to lack of a suitable food-matching beer to go with turkey and sprouts.

Flat cap and flannel shirt denizen Joe Fairtrade complained "I sat down expectedly but found I only had a choice between Staropramen and Adnams Tally Ho. As everyone surely knows, Staropramen is too cutting and carbonated to complement roast turkey and Tally Ho is an old ale - far too sweet and thick for sprouts and parsnips."

"I didn't get anything at all to eat that day. Still, it'll help me fit into to 16-inch waisted jeans I unwrapped in the morning."

I Wish I Was In Crafty Hipster Land

Tourist idiots, Yesterday. And pretty much every day.

It's always some sort of experience going back to a place where you've not been for several years.  Oh, THAT's not there anymore, oh THAT'S become a Starbucks, oh THAT'S been demolished for city regeneration. I remember experiencing this with Stoke, where very little from my childhood remain (some would say this is a good thing).

So, having a week off, I went to Edinburgh for a couple of days. I've stayed several times, but most recently in March 2010 (where I spent most of the time arguing with my ex, but that's another story).

Most of all I went for the drink, of which there is no shortage in Edinburgh. I availed myself of The Scotch Malt Whisky Society members rooms to try and get my £59 a year's worth and avoided places that advertised they had Belhaven Best and Deuchars IPA (you'd think they'd want to keep it quiet).

Most of all, I discovered that Edinburgh has been slowly taken over by Craft. The aforementioned places that used to be there are more often than not now trendy bars full of Evil Keg and hipsters.  Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing exactly, and it's much preferable to dark pubs of 80 Shilling, but it is disconcerting when you didn't expect it.

Whereas it's fashionable on this blog to blame BrewDog for everything (I was reassured at the Edinburgh branch when a massively bearded barman was finally spotted), there are actually places that are even CRAFTIER than BrewDog.

I can't be bothered putting enough all the A's in "Craft" for this

So, eventually I reached The Hanging Bat on Lothian Street, after walking around for 90 minutes looking (I probably needed the exercise after the dubious drinking binges of the previous two days). I knew the place was Craft, but nothing prepared me for HOW Craft. It was like playing hipster bar bingo :

1. No pumpclips or keg font displays. Blackboard instead. Check.
2. Entirely decorated in weathered wood and reclaimed bricks. Check.
3. Bar staff either thin, bearded young men or very thin young women. Check.

4. All beers served in 2/3 measures. Check.
5. Onsite brewery on display out the back. Check
6. Urinals made from sawn-off beer barrels. Check
7.  (and this is the clincher) The taps in the Gents were keg fonts. Check.

Yes. It was the craftiest place I've ever been to. And that's saying something. Mark my words, every pub will be like this in 10 years.

Craaaaaaaaaaaft

Craaaaaaaaaft

There is an unending debate about what is and is not Craft Beer. It will never be solved. For one very good reason.

"Craft Beer" does not exist.

There is, basically, excellent beer, good beer, ok beer, mediocre beer, crap beer and awful beer. The size and ownership of the brewery in question has little impact on the quality of the product.  "Craft" as it stands today is just a tick-box list of the things a certain sector of beer consumers like and expect to see. 

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaft

Microbreweries in London and elsewhere (but mainly London) are tripping over themselves to be the beardiest, distressed-fontiest and railway-archiest brewery around.  They proclaim about being wild and crazy dudes chucking hops and stuff into a bucket and somehow (somehow!) coming out with amazing beer at the end. The fact that brewing is an exacting and careful process, and the people behind the breweries are often refugees from IT,  Commerce and Academia is not mentioned. Because that wouldn't be "Craft".

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaft

Since the whole "Craft" ethos has been distilled down to a basic formula of "Craft" signifiers, it's no surprise the big brewers have taken them and made their own "Craft" beers. In most cases these are no better or worse than so-called "authentic craft". But the fact it's happening shows how easily done it is.

So, enjoy your beer. Macro or micro. Craft keg or cask. But remember that nothing is free of marketing and associated bullshit. Otherwise, stay inside and drink your homebrew.

News In Brief

Brewer Travels Across Atlantic

Different from regular Greene King, honest

 The Milkwaukee-based American chain bar company, Loefflen-Wetter plc. has recently started a program where British regional brewers are imported to US crafty brewers to make versions of their dogwash to sell to unsuspecting American drinkers.  It was reported that last week Henry Blandswill, head brewer at Greene King, arrived in California to brew an IPA clone at Stone Brewery. "Gee, man," said one bemused Stone assistant brewer "this beer certainly challenges my conception of IPAs. We asked Henry what hops he wanted and he appeared not to know what they were."

Dayton, Ohio barfly Buddy Griddleburner Jr. said from his beer encrusted stool in his local L-W bar while swigging down his eighth Miller Lite "Good to know you limeys can make tasteless crap too. Uncle Sam's influence is alive and well."

Beer Location Shocker

It actually happens, you know

North-Western family regional brewery and suppliers of cardboard-based beverages Lehybisons have this week been embroiled in scandal.  After bribing an agency drayman with a double whisky, our journalists revealed that Lehybisons beer is actually brewed on the the brewery premises rather than being contracted out to Marstons or Everards.  On being asked to comment, Managing Director Louis Lehybison-Smythe told us in his best Eton tones "We were hoping this wouldn't get out, but we would like to reassure our customers that the quality of our Real Ales has in no way been changed by brewing them here, rather than paying someone else to water down their Best Bitter and putting a different pumpclip on it."

A creaking septuageniarian CAMRA spokesman told Seeing The Lizards "It's the end of Regional Brewery practices as we know it.  They'll be bringing back Red Barrel next."

Meet The Brewer Event Goes Wrong

Crafties on the rampage, Wednesday

Idolatry-crazed Crafty Hipsters were left disappointed last Wednesday night at a Meet The Brewer Event at the Drowned Rat, Islington.  Expecting to try a selection of keg IPAs, Imperial Stouts and Saisons from Camden brewer Random Brick, they turned up to find that no beer was actually available.

Said brewer, Damien Fixedgear opined through his heavily tattooed beard "I'm sorry, dudes.  I've spent so much time on Twitter, Facebook, redesigning my labels and marketing stuff and preparing Meet The Brewer Events that I've not actually had time to brew any beer."

As the crowd started sullenly muttering they were going  to another Meet The Brewer event at the Keg Nozzle four doors away, Fixedgear said "Just to let you know, shares in Random Brick are available at £100 each. If I raise enough cash, I may be able to hire another member of staff.  I certainly wouldn't spend it on marketing bullshit or anything...."

The night was saved.  Many shares were sold.  And dozens of humulone-maddened idiots discerning beer lovers were delighted to have been part of the True Craft Beer Experience.

Stranger in Town

I'm sure everyone who reads this is, shall we say, experienced in the ways of drinking and pubbery. You know what's good, and where to get it. But what happens when you're in a town you've never been to before and want a drink. What do you do then? There is always Spoons as a safe option, but what happens if you don't like Timbo and all that is associated with him? Pete Brown had problems with this recently.

There is a very simple way to tell the quality of any pub you go into. Do not go by what the signs say outside. These will either be complete bullshit, or have been put up in the last century so are now inapplicable, but the owners cannot be bothered to pay for a screwdriver to take them down.

No, all you have to do is walk through the door and get close enough to see exactly what they have on draught. It's that simple. This can be divided into 6 types :

Noooooooooooooooo

Type 1 - Nothing but keg fonts. They will be serving Fosters, Stella, Kronenbourg, John Smiths or some other smooth, and Guinness. The patrons will be either tattooed and shaven headed, or have makeup applied with a muck spreader. Your best bet is to leave. Quickly. Before the death stares kill you. 

(Ironically, a couple of my acquaintance went to a place like this. They'd left the pub I recommended to them and naïvely went to next nearest. Bearing in mind this is a female same-sex couple. Astonishingly, nothing bad happened to them. I can only assume the 'interesting' clientele were so shocked they were paralysed into inaction).

Type 2 - As Type 1, but has one or two handpulls. Usually something like Wells Bombardier or Greene King IPA. Probably best to leave this place also. The lager and smooth is likely to be the only drinks that sell here, and the cask is likely to be cloudy vinegar soup.

Type 3 - Possibly the most awkward type of pub. They have 4, 5 or maybe even 6 handpulls. Often half with the local favourites, half with semi-obscure stuff that the pub company have picked up cheap somewhere.  The important thing here is see what the other patrons are drinking. If it's cask, then you're probably safe. But if it's lager, then, well, you pays your money and you takes your choice.

Type 4 - If you're fed up of uncertainty the you can go the family-owned brewery pub. Variety is not the forte of such places. In fact, you'll probably have a choice of five different bitters between 3.6% and 4.8%. It will be boring, but safe. See also Robinson's, Thwaites, Marston's etc.

Type 5 - This is the pub which tries to cater to both the Crafties and the Beards. Microbrewed cask ale and Craft Keg on the fonts. You're usually safe here.  The only problem could possibly be untrained student staff who know nothing about beer as they've been hired for cheapness and looks. If that's the case, then order a bottle from the fridge. It's good.

Craaaaaaaaaaaft

Type 6 - I hesistate to call this the BrewDog type, but that is the most typical and famous of the breed. If you like good tasting beer, and are not put off by low temperatures and carbon dioxide then it'll be wonderful. Probably best also to bear in mind that if you are over 35 you will likely be the oldest person in the building. If you're averse to facial hair and flannel shirts then do not, I repeat do not go to these places. You will be scared.

There are probably more types, but these are the most common. You could just use Untappd or a simply Google the reviews. But that would be too simple. Where's your sense of adventure, man?

Silence Is Golden

"Yay! Now let's get these casks back to Burton. Oops. Did I say Burton. I meant Blackburn. Yes, Blackburn."

If Boak & Bailey liked The Bermondsey Beer Mile, they should come to Preston. Yes, here you can do The Wainwright Mile. Yes, if you start at The Adelphi and work your way down Friargate's "real" pubs, you can have a pint of Thwaites Wainwright in pretty much every single one.  Lamb & Packet, The Sun, Dog & Partridge, hell - even the Spoons has it on.  By the time you get to the end at The Black Horse, you'll be relieved to drink Robinson's. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd write, I'm sure you'll agree.

Yes, Wainwright has pretty much taken over pretty much everywhere in Lancashire west of Blackburn. But when is this so? What exactly is so special about this somewhat inoffensive 4.1% golden ale? Well, there's the uncompromising Northern name, taken from the famous walking guide writer from these parts. If nothing else, ordering it in a pub tells people nearby "I'm from Lanky, and I'm not to be mistaken for those Theakstons-drinking Yorkshire bastards.". And for that, I'm grateful if for nothing else about it.

It helps that it has a don't-scare-the-horses flavour. A cruel person (why, what do you take me for?) would describe it as bland.  If you have a dislike for the cold and fizzy, but don't want your taste buds to deal with the unexpected, then the golden ale option of Wainwright is for you.  Neither the Crafties nor the Beards will sneer, and looks just enough like lager that some of our more interesting friends won't threaten to lamp you upon seeing you sup it.

Possibly didn't like pissheads

Let's face it, if Thwaites didn't market test this beer for perfect pitching to their target audience, you wouldn't have been able to tell. It ticks more boxes for the real ale drinker than a CAMRA online survey. Cask - check. Bitter but not too bitter - check. Quaint name of local figure - check. Available and safe - check.

Of course, the irony is that Alfred Wainwright grew up in poverty due his father's alcoholism, so what he would think of a beer bearing his name is anyone's guess. But if it helps Thwaites afford that new brewery they've been wanting, then it's all well and good.