Saturday 4 July 2015

News in Brief #23

New Beer Blog Starts Up

92% of pub patrons not hip enough for acknowledgment

Owing to the shortage on the internet of people expounding their beer-related opinions, East London dweller Curt Mattis has begun his own beer blog covering his local scene.

Intrigued by this exciting new development, we tweeted him (his sole method of online communication) and asked what he'll be covering in his forthcoming posts.

"Yeah, I'll be blogging about the important stuff that's happening in my locality," enthused Mattis "like the local beers my friends and I have been tasting. Not drinking, of course. That would be uncouth. I'll also be talking to local brewers who's beers, views and education I consider acceptable."

Asked if these seemed a bit insular, Curty-boy bibbled "Dear me no. It's not as if we're metropolitan elitists or anything. We just want to talk about the right people and things."

"It's just that I feel strongly that the London Independent Beer Scene is underrepresented in the online media."

Wetherspoons Announce New Offer

"But you'll never sell it as cheap as me!"

Following the "success" of their Craft beer offer, bottom-end drunk-hooverers JD Wetherspoon are attempting to disrupt the market in an entirely new sector of the drinks market.

"Pubwork", as the information boards refer to it, offers the typical Wetherspoons customer the chance to buy a public house in the fomerly-industrial Midlands or an ill-trodden part of the South-East at a heavily bulk-discounted price.

" It's true," expounded Spoons Overlord Timbo Martin "We bought a large amount of these pubs in bulk, and things haven't quite worked out.  So we've decided to clear them out before all the paperwork starts clogging up my office in Watford. And who wouldn't want the opportunity to own The David, Purley or the The Hugo Guthrie in Tipton for £800 and a couple of CAMRA tokens?"

Closed Pub aficionado Mudgie Mudgington exclaimed "I think it's disgraceful. I was hoping to add these pubs to my website next week."

Licensee Expresses Surprise About Bad Beer

CAMRA in Right For One Shocker

Stereotypically chiselling pub owner Barry Shortmeasure yesterday expressed shock and dismay that a large number of his customers had fallen ill as a result of drinking one of the beers on offer at his pub last Saturday.

"I bought that keg of lager in good faith," pleaded Barry "I had no idea that it could possibly be either contaminated or off."

"This bloke covered in paint stumbled into my pub at 2pm on a Thursday when nobody else was in and said 'Ere, mate. Just done a job, and got these barrels to get rid of. I'll take thirty five quid for the pair.' I mean, who would be suspicious about that? The seals looked OK to me."

Customer Jim Undiscerning told us "We did wonder when it poured out dark brown and cloudy. Especially as the the font said it was Beck's Vier. But it was really hot and I didn't like to say anything."

"I had terrible diarrhoea and vomiting the morning after. But on the plus side it took 6 pints to do that than the usual 4 it takes at Barry's pub."


  1. Aww, come on, I'm far more likely to feature these on "Closed Pubs" if Spoons sell them off and they end up actually closed

  2. Leave Matt alone you bastard.

  3. Well, there's one blog I'm never going to read ever again. [Makes tight little fists in pockets].

  4. But fair I always think. You have a pop at everyone - me included - and long may it continue.