Wednesday 29 July 2015

News in Brief #25

Blood is thicker than water, but thinner than Craft

Ultimate Murk Achieved

Increasingly-desperate-to-be-noticed hipster hangout The Proliferating Bushbaby in Camden today announced an exciting new addition to it's artisan and ethically sourced food menu. Edibles Curator Mike Woolyhat expostulated "Today we Announce the ultimate in pub food -The Pulled Beer Platter."

He went on to explain, whether we liked it or not, "It all started when we go this, like, new beer in.  The bloke in the lockup garage next door brewed it for us."

"When we poured it out, it was so opaque and viscous we found we could cut it with a knife. It's the final triumph of Craft, man. We serve it cut up with a fork and garnished with Naga chillies and Single Estate chocolate sprinkles. £16.95 a plate"

Local enthusiast Curt Mattis exclaimed "It's awesome, dudes! Can I write the menu?"
"Do I look like a CAMRA member?"

New Cricket Tie-In Beer On Sale Now

Following the 'success' of Marston's Jimmy Anderson beer "King of Swing" (now available at £1 a bottle from your local B&M Bargains), Accrington brewery Big Clock have teamed up with another Lancastrian Ashes Hero Graeme Fowler for their own cricket-themed beer "Foxy's 3am Pint"

"Everyone worships Foxy Fowler in Accy," burbled brewer Bob Tenuous "We all stayed up until 3am listening to his 37 in the 1982 Adelaide Test. All of us here hope this is a suitable tribute to a great cricketer."

We tracked down Foxy at his home in Durham for further promotional info "Big Clock?" exclaimed Fowler "never heard of 'em. Anyway, it were West Indies I had to play against when I drank them 3 pints in the early morning. Guinness too, not Real Ale."

"Just because I got this big grey beard now doesn't mean I drink cask. What do you take me for?"
"Don't come near me. I bite and scratch. Honest"

Pub Cat Looking for New Opportunities

The most famous denizen of the Red Crown pub in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire this week expressed his dissatisfaction with his lot in the hospitality industry. 4-year-old tuxedo cat Tigger complained "It's like people think I'm a performing animal or something."

"Every night I have to deal with pissed up wankers." whined his Catness "When I'm trying to sleep on that padded stool, they put pork scratchings in front of me to get my attention. Honestly, do I look like someone who would eat that? Some of those pissed up twats even try to put me on their lap to take a Cat Selfie. When I started here, the landlord never told me about this."

Tigger muttered under his breath to us "I'm thinking to do something less demeaning. Maybe howling outside a window at 5am, or hissing mangily at passers by in the street."

Visiting Pub cat obsessive Mudgie Mudgington said upon seeing the unhappy and possibly aggressive  feline "Aaah. Who's a cute widdle kitty witty den? Aaah."

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