Thursday, 16 July 2015

News in Brief #24

"10p for a can of Beavertown, guv?"

Reducing the Strength Proclaimed Success

Legally dubious health initiative Reducing the Strength today announced that they have successfully removed 1 million units of alcohol from the retail market in areas troubled by street drinkers.

We asked Wolverhampton corner off-licence owner Ron Underagesales what he thought about all the potential business he's lost this year. Unexpectedly, he said. "It's been great! No longer am I bothered by strange-smelling, unshaven and shabbily dressed types wandering in and demanding high strength beer.  My normal customers have told me this a much better place to shop now."

We were about to ask where he thought the homeless alcoholics had disappeared to, but he carried on. "So yes, I'm glad I got rid of that craft beer fridge. Damn hipsters."

"Now I can concentrate on my core business." said Ron "Flogging Super and Spesh to the mentally ill itinerants outside."
The drink of our cockroach masters in the year 3535

Cask Stout Enters Third Week On Bar

Yorkshire wet-led town pub, The Sheep And Bicycle has claimed the world record for a dark beer being kept on the handpulls despite nobody even contemplating buying it.

Living Cliché licensee Barry Shortmeasure hooked up his barrel of Barnsley Sludge, a 4.7% cask stout on the 2nd July.  Despite having only sold 2 and a half pints in that time, he has no plans to dispose of it.

"I've been trying it every day," confided Barry "and it's been getting slowly more musty and acidic for the last week or so.  I've told the staff to give it a bigger push. After all, real ale drinkers expect cask stout to be sour and tasting of boiled cabbage. Nobody seems to want it though."

"I'm not throwing it away dammit.  I'm not losing money on the stuff and affecting my 75% GP."

"If the worst comes to the worst, I'll put it in the vinegar shakers."
I'll be back when I feel like it, man

Online Community Confused Due To Beer Blogger Holiday

During Britain's oddly warm summer, many of the country's beer Bloggers have taken a rest to recharge their batteries/research for the autumn/disappear abroad (delete as applicable).  But their readers are less than content.

Insatiable blog consumer Sam Notarobot moaned yesterday "I'm used to getting up at 7am everyday and checking the beer blogs before breakfast. But since the Bloggers all went on vacation, my cornflakes haven't tasted the same without being me being able to wash them down with a good helping of spurious conjecture and confirmation bias."

"I've not even been able to drink any beer, as the review sites have been inactive since 27th June." Sam sorrowfully muttered "So I've not been able to choose which beer to spend loads of money on, despite knowing somebody else got sent it for free."

In desperation, he turned to Twitter "And what did I see? A tweet from one of the Bloggers saying 'Drinking Estrella in Barcelona. You have to, don't you? #scorchio #cheapest' "

"It's almost as though they're mocking my pathetic life or something."

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