Paradise Garden

Timbo's Dream

One thing you rarely encounter in a tightly-packed and traffic-addled city centre like Preston's is a pub with a proper beer garden.  All the pubs are either built into the streets with minimal space out back, or they're micros with only enough room for a delivery van at the rear.  The most you're likely to get is a poky, concreted area either out front or behind.  So you'd think sticking a few extra seats outside the Greyfriar, one of Preston's two Wetherspoons (see above) wouldn't be such a big deal.  But as usual, Preston's esteemed town planners are having none of it.

Used during good weather, honest

This is what the area in question presently looks like.  One of the main objections to Wetherspoon's plan is that the only "greenery" in that part of the area is being removed to make room for more tables and chairs.  At the moment, it can accommodate 25-30 people, but this would have been bumped up to 78 with the removal of these (somewhat worse for wear) raised planters.  The planners deem this as unacceptable as it will have an "unacceptable impact" on the surroundings.  And what are the 'surroundings' around here like?  Well...

Nice tiles on Old Black Bull. Shame about the beer

This is the view directly in front.  Don't mind the barriers, as I'm sure they'll be gone soon when the County Council finally finish the latest updates to the ring road.  Here you can see a Premier Inn and the old Public Hall.  If you look just round the corner on the right, you get an excellent view of a long-vacant Office Outlet that's peeling off 40 years worth of paint jobs.  Oh, and by the digger is where a 150-year old sycamore tree used to be before it was unceremoniously chopped last year to make way for more paving. So much for "greenery". 

Jobcentre Plus located directly behind Spoons.
Saves time, I guess.

Let's look to the left.  Here we see the road heading up to the famous Bus Station.  Across the street is a small park which can look ok on sunny summer days (greenery!).  But all you can see here otherwise is unprepossessing 60s grey concrete office buildings.  The large one in the centre is Limehouse, a recent conversion to residential city living.  Unseen behind that is a recently flattened area (formerly a car park and covered market) which will soon house a chain cinema, some chain restaurants and, as revealed this week - a chain bar. We are, apparently, looking forward to this.

The other side of the traditional Preston 'money shot'
up Friargate towards the Harris

To the right of this is the Friargate side of the town's mall - the St. George's Centre.  This was built in the 1990s and is presently completely vacant - including a Marie Celeste-like branch of Patisserie Valerie which has all the tables, seats, cleaning sprays and sugar sachets still in situ despite being closed since 2020.  This whole arcade was going to become a selection of bistros with outdoor dining and plants and stuff providing excellent views of Preston's branch of Wilko, but fell through due to COVID19. Future plans are unknown.

As you may have gathered, I am somewhat sceptical about the reasons given by the planners for disallowing this outdoor Spoons seating.  Plants removed?  Plenty of trees in view here that are more impressive than the few bushes that were due to be binned.  Street clutter from the new permanent fencing?  Well, Friargate is already a sea of A-boards from all the eating and drinking establishments at this end of the road ready to catch out the unwary and/or drunk.  Not that I know anything about that, of course.

I suspect it's rather more that the planners want to improve, indeed gentrify, this end of Friargate leading as it does to all the expensive new university buildings in Adelphi.  And what could be less "improving" than 78 pub punters sat outside a Wetherspoons smoking and drinking cheap lager?  Probably best to shunt those kind of people back to their normal habitat at Hogarths on Church Street or The Golden Cross on Lancaster Road.

We'll see what happens when all those barriers are removed from the road and that area is fully pedestrianised.  But I'm just not seeing how a few extra seats outside the Greyfriar would really make the Friargate/Ringway junction look any worse.

News in Brief #54

Are there no prisons? No workhouses?  "Thankfully not. I'd have no customers"

Spoons Boss Visited by Ghosts

After announcing this week that his pubs would no longer be doing Christmas dinners, JD Wetherspoon honcho and really good employer honest Timbo Martin has admitted supernatural visitations.

"The first night," said Timbo "I was visited by a ghost of a pissed up office worker in a Santa hat. He took me to one of my pubs during Xmas 2015 where everyone was tucking into microwaved sliced turkey and defrosted sprouts. I noticed how everyone seemed happy enough."

"I thought nothing of it, until the following night where I was awoken by an apparition of a dishevelled and red faced old man holding a pint of John Smiths. I was transported to a vision of 2016 where the pub was deserted except for three lone alcoholics drinking treble Bell's."

Timbo continued "So, it was with trepidation I went to sleep on the third night. Sure enough, a sharp suited spectre appeared and he was brandishing a contract. 'This site is worth 750k in today's market, Mr. Martin' he said."

"What could it possibly all mean?"

"Mmm. Yes. Dear boy. These clothes are suitable for 1970s Stockport. "

Campaigner Goes Back to 70s

Fulfilling a long-time wish earlier this month, boring beer drinker and full-time grumpy sod Mudgie Mudgington got to travel back in time to his preferred era. "Who would have thought that the TARDIS would visit Stockport?" he exclaimed.

"Luckily I'd already saved up plenty of pre-1977 1p and 2p coins, and all those one and two shilling pieces for when decimalisation is repealed.  And my fashion sense hasn't moved on since 1962, so I fit in perfectly when I arrived."

"Sadly, when I got to the pub it was rammed, and there were all these blokes blocking the bar. When I got to the single electric real ale pump through the fog of smoke, the barman told me it was off and served me Whitbread Trophy instead."

"So I carried my pint of fizz to the one free spot by the jukebox." continued Mudgie  "Well, I thought, at least there'll be some decent Progressive Rock to listen to. But all it contained was Brotherhood of Man, Brian & Michael, and The Smurf Song. I downed my pint of keg, burped loudly and left."

"Waiting outside for the Doctor to take me back to 2016, a stray tabby walked past. But any cuteness was disabused when an 8-year-old boy grabbed it, and stuck a lit firework up it's backside."

"It's almost if," exclaimed a shocked Mudgie "the old days weren't all that good after all. "

So retro!

Football Club Bans Crafties

In shocking news this week, a Shoreditch resident was escorted out of his local football club for breaking the stadium's Dress & Behaviour Code. "It was horrible." cried horn-rimmed glasses wearer and avocado smasher Luke Lumberjack-Shirt "I thought football was meant to be inclusive."

"I bought my ticket, went into the ground and sat down. Then this, like, guy in a luminous jacket handed me a note. Match Day Notice it said.  'This is family friendly ground and skinny jeans and man buns are not permitted on Match Days'. Don't they want people like me to watch the game."

"But that wasn't the worst thing. One paragraph explained that only drinks purchased in the ground were allowed. Had I, like, got out my bottles of Partizan and Weird Beard, they'd've been confiscated and I'd've had to drink Coors Light."

"Despite it all, I decided to stay. But when my awesome buds Josh and Nathan arrived and we started discussing dry hopping and barrel aging, we were asked to leave by the stewards. Apparently  we were disturbing nearby fans with our esotericism. "

"I won't be going again, man." whined Luke "I don't feel comfortable there anymore."

A club spokesman told us "Give us a break, guv. There has to be at least one part of London that isn't gentrified yet."

T.O.F.T.S

Yes. And it's fucking shit, too

Seems The Corb is pissing people off again.  Apparently, he wants to ban after-work drinks on the grounds that they're "sexist".  Not what he appears to have meant, but when has Corbyn been misquoted or taken out of context by our lovably impartial and agenda-free mass media?

If he had said that, however, I would have agreed with him.  Not sure about the "sexist" part, not really for me to judge. But after-work drinks are appalling.

Last November, where I work an "event" was organised for a Curry Night.    Me?  Well, I did the poster that went up on the staff noticeboard (I'm the only person there competent in Microsoft Publisher).  That'll be it, I thought, done my bit. No need for me to go.  But they invited me anyway. "Note to self" I thought "Be ruder next time."

It was set up for a Sunday, and everyone was supposed to meet in the nearer of the two local Wetherspoons.  Thankfully, that's not one of the days I work, so I spent a couple of hours in the local fortifying myself with Evil Keg before walking down to Spoons.  Best get it over with, I sighed.  It was 7pm and I was the first to arrive.

As is their wont, nobody arrived simulteneously.  They trickled in one at a time and we had to keep moving to ever bigger tables, as Spoons is not really amenable to furniture shifting. An hour in, I was at the bar ordering a pint of something, when the works Lad Clique turned up.  They ordered Jagerbombs and downed them while their pints of lager were being poured.

"If it's going to be that kind of night, I don't want to be here." I said to myself.  I didn't go to the curry house.  Using my finely-honed avoidant skills, I slunk off without anybody noticing. Within 15 minutes, I was back at the local, pondering my narrow escape.

Next morning, I was in for 8am.  Having gone to bed at 11:30pm I was relatively fresh.  Which is more than can be said for my colleagues, many of whom were hung over.  Some hadn't even turned up for work.  One admitted driving from a nearby town quite probably over the legal limit.  That day, many tales were told of the less than edifying behaviour of certain people who had exceeded their alcohol tolerance at The Popworld club on Church Street.

And these events are meant to improve productivity and workplace cohesiveness.

I knew enough not to stay out.  These things rarely end well, and are probably the cause of many missed days work and accidents the day after.  Ever since, I've come up with excuses not to go on works nights out - some real, some pre-emptive, some entirely fictional. I'm sure I'll be seen as some kind of killjoy, censorious prig for not going.  But, sadly, I just don't enjoy these things.

They're planning a Bridget Jones Movie night next.  I said give me the date.  So I can plan something else.

News in Brief #47

Everyone likes us, and we don't care

Fashionable Breweries Now Beyond Criticism

This week, it has emerged that certain makers of beer are not allowed to experience the mildest of negative commentary from their consumers. "It's almost , like, we've built them up into some kind of irreproachable position or something." complained Craft content master and part-time barperson Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"I mean, I admit I spent three years saying everything that Beavertown and Cloudwater did were awesome, and told everyone to go and spend, like, vast amounts of money on their latest beers. But that's no reason for them to get all sensitive and set their social media acolytes on me."

"I mean, look at this tweet here. This person, @BrettSaison68 , told me I was a hipster into beer for poses and attention to get a future career. I mean, like, how rude."

Journalist Annabelle Anthracite said "Those who get paid to do a job should expect a certain level of criticism in a healthy society. It goes with the territory."

"But not Beer Communicators. We never get paid for anything."

Busy Monday in Craftyland

Customer Spotted in Craft Bar on Monday

Provincial town Craft Bar The Fobbing Keg, Loughborough today opened it's doors at midday as always. Assistant manager Samantha Emptychair sat herself behind the bar with her new George R.R Martin novel in expectation of a typical Monday afternoon.

But scarcely 90 minutes later, she was roused from her fantasy novel by the sound of the door. "I was shocked. This guy came in. And he ordered a drink."

"I never thought I'd ever see this." amazed Samantha "I was assured by the manager that the PubCo only kept this place open so they have somewhere acceptable to take clients to, as opposed to all the rest of their alcoholic codger-filled dump of an estate."

"I hope he doesn't stay too long. I want to finish this book by the end of my shift."

Impartial on the issues

Wetherspoons Holding Referendum

Value market targeted hospitality group and shelter for distressed souls JD Wetherspoon this week announced they were holding a Referendum on whether to secede from the United Kingdom. "For too long, we in this company have been under the thumb of UK law and it's endless restrictions." ranted empathetic employer and Chairman Timbo Martin.

"For instance, did you know I have to let my bar staff have a 15 minute break once every eight hours? And pay them £7.20 an hour in the admittedly unlikely event they're over 25? It's red tape like this that restricts our profitability and growth as a business."

"So, I've decided to ask my customers whether they would like their pub to leave the heavy legislative demands of the UK." ranted Timbo "And I've printed the Yes/No question on 6 million beer mats which I've had put on every table."

"My staff will collect them at the end of the night and chuck them in the appropriate bin depending on which box is ticked. Which I'll have weighed."

"I'll announce the winner at the next Seasonal Beer Festival. By which time I hope everyone will have forgotten. I'm sure my point of view will prevail anyway."

Near-permanent Spoons resident Bob Cirrhosis said "But I thought this place was independent of any standards of decency and decorum anyway?"

News in Brief #44

Johnny Rotten would be Proud

All Money to End Up at BrewDog Eventually

This week, the latest peculiar crowdfunding scheme from narcissists and sometime brewers BrewDog closed with only 80% of its funding acheived.  Chairman Admiral James Watt however has proclaimed it a great success.

"Our Equity For Punks VI has been an awesome victory for Craft Beer fans who don't want breweries to be controlled by faceless big business money men in the City." shouted Watty to his unsceptical acolytes.

"By the way, you can still apply to be an Equity Punk by post. Simply download the form, fill it in, and post with a cheque for £185 to Corporate Money Funding Solutions, London WC1"

We asked symbolic transactional token system Money about the future "Yes, by the looks of it, pretty much all of me will end up at BrewDog by 2023. But that's OK."

"I mean, I'm sure they'll be different from every other business in the whole of history that's ever got hold of me. Right?"

Curty's Institute of Education

Beer Communicator Saves Airport Drinkers From Dreadful Fate

Today at Heathrow Airport Wetherspoons, three Americans were seen drinking keg Boddingtons from atypical glassware. Shockingly, most travellers appeared not too bothered. But not awesome expertise expounder and storyteller Curt Mattis.

"I had to say something. I mean, for a start dimple mugs are so 2014." burbled Mattis "And Boddies is made in, like, Preston or something. I thought of all the wonderful London made beers they could be drinking. Or at least the bottles of Meantime Pale in the bar fridge."

"So I went up to them and asked them how they would feel if I went to their country and drank their crappy beer in front of their drinks experts. Then I explained my credentials as a Beer journalist to them. Went rather well, I thought."

Curty continued "Anyway, I managed to get a later flight after I explained everything to the Border Police. They accepted my hand luggage was a bottle of Cloudwater DIPA and not a bomb like my American friends joked."

"It's good to, like, share my knowledge with a receptive audience."

But where's the CHOICE?

Campaigner Bemoans Local Beer Choice

Living fossil and man who preferred it when this was all fields Mudgie Mudgington this week condemned the Ale selection at one of his local pubs, The Silver Horseshoe, Marple.

"I was on my local CAMRA's Friday crawl and walked into the bar expecting a simple choice." ranted Mudgie "But I was confronted with a choice of twenty different beers. TWENTY."

"I mean, most of them were Pale and hoppy. There were only three dark beers, and I only knew six of the lineup from having them before. I told the barman there should be more choice at this time of the week. He just gave me a strange sideways look."

"I'm sure had I asked the 120 other patrons in the pub that night they would have been as equally disappointed with choice of beer as I was. It's terrible. What are the local wet-led pubs coming to?"

"To be honest," confessed Mudgie " I preferred this place twenty years ago when it only had Holt's Bitter and Mild."

Desert Spoons?

Opening again soon. One day. Probably. Possibly. Maybe.

If you live in a reasonablly large town, you may have noticed a certain phenomenon occurring. You had a local Wetherspoons, and it was doing well. And at the same time, plenty of high-footfall retail space was opening up on the streets due to recession-related business closures.

And the largest of these units? Well, JD Wetherspoon snapped it up to increase their presence, and hopefully profits, in your town. Where I live, Preston, now has two. The Greyfriar we've had since 1996. But in 2014, after a long battle, Tim Martin finally got permission to open a second Spoons (known as The Twelve Tellers, as it's the former main TSB Bank) in an otherwise dilapidated part of town.

Timbo is having second thoughts, however.  Many towns, apparently, don't have the custom to support two Wetherspoons. And as there is insufficient differentiation between the two in any town, they will basically rob custom from one another.

As far as I can see, this isn't quite what it happening.  If you open two pubs at either end of town, even if they start identical, then, given time they will find their own specific identity and clientele. I can see this at both the Greyfriar and The Twelve Tellers. The former is more "down to earth", attracting the older generation and people stopping over for an hour or two (it's 5 minutes from the rail station). Whereas the Twelve Tellers you tend to find young people, and on football match days, fans from the Away team. If nothing else, the TTs charges more for club meals than the Greyfriar, which can't be explained by the supply chain.

Ironically, today I'm visiting a place (Lancaster) that has had two Spoons for a long time, The Green Ayre and The Sir Richard Owen. The dreadful floods in December 2015 have ensured the Green Ayre has remained closed ever since, so their clientele has been forced to travel uphill to the City's other Spoons.

The results are interesting, as you can see in the Dickie Owen people who would never previously drunk their (it was where the studenty types used to go). The beer is cheaper than it was a year ago, and it's certainly busier.

I don't think Timbo Martin needs to worry. His dual-pub towns will eventually find their own niche in their respective pub ecosystem. It just depends how much time he's willing to give it, and how much effort Spoons put into differentiating the offers between the town's two respective pubs.

Plenty of room for more Spoons, I say.

News in Brief #40

Ambience Is More Important Than Choice? RIGHT?

Beer Free Pub Wins CAMRA Award

In it's latest headline-grabbing move, South East Grizedale CAMRA branch awarded it's quarterly Pub Of The Season award to the Pig's Bladder, a place that has not sold Ale since 1996.

Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake announced in the local magazine, Pints West "For too long, CAMRA branches have been hung up on how many real ales are available at pubs. We now look at how welcoming and hospitable pubs are, rather than sheer volume of choice"

"The Pig's Bladder has a well behaved middle aged clientele, lots of quiet corners for CAMRA Members to sit in, and is decorated in a suitably muted and shabby fashion. We decided it was an excellent place to escape our wives and families, which is why we joined."

"If it can do all that," triumphalised Steakbake "then who needs Real Ale? Or any drinks whatsoever."

Local campaigner and tightwad misery Mudgie Mudgington concurred "There's a B&M next door. So I just take in my close-to-BBD purchases in and drink while sat in my regular dark alcove"

"This is the future of pubs, I'm certain of that."

Who has roasts these days anyway?

Wetherspoons Axe Day Of The Week

Middling-to-low quality booze and food chain JD Wetherspoon this week rocked the pub industry by announcing they were abolishing one of the seven days of the week.

"Sunday has never done it for us." admitted Spoons figurehead Timbo Martin "It doesn't fit our business plan any more, to be honest."

"Let's face it, who comes into our pubs on Sundays? Middle aged men who have two pints at lunchtime and go home before their wives notice.  Families with kids who come in for food who always leave before dessert because the children are acting up. We've never made any money from them. So we're axing Sundays and going straight to Monday to sell more Burritos"

Spoons habitué Bob Barfly told us " I'm OK with this. I don't eat that day."

"The Jobcentre Plus isn't open Sundays anyway."

Craft? Craft isn't here and NEVER WAS

Craft Over

Due to the saturation of their market, Craft bars across the country are converting themselves back to normal pubs in an effort to erase the mistakes of history.

Former hipster hangout The King's Head, Islington (formerly The Fulminating Llama) this week was busy ripping out all the slate and girders and replacing it with dark wood and garish wallpaper. "It's the future, apparently." sadly opined manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"There's too much Craft in the world now.  People of had enough of hopfucks and weirdo beer with odd stuff in them. I'm converting all my Craft fonts to Smooth and Lager now. That's where the money is."

"In fact," confided Luke "I'm shaving off my beard and getting a buzz cut so I can look hard. All the hipster waistcoats and skinny jeans are going in the bin. I've got a wardrobe full of trackies and chunky jewellery now. It'll be awesome."

"I mean, it'll be bang tidy. Innit?"

News in Brief #23

New Beer Blog Starts Up

92% of pub patrons not hip enough for acknowledgment

Owing to the shortage on the internet of people expounding their beer-related opinions, East London dweller Curt Mattis has begun his own beer blog covering his local scene.

Intrigued by this exciting new development, we tweeted him (his sole method of online communication) and asked what he'll be covering in his forthcoming posts.

"Yeah, I'll be blogging about the important stuff that's happening in my locality," enthused Mattis "like the local beers my friends and I have been tasting. Not drinking, of course. That would be uncouth. I'll also be talking to local brewers who's beers, views and education I consider acceptable."

Asked if these seemed a bit insular, Curty-boy bibbled "Dear me no. It's not as if we're metropolitan elitists or anything. We just want to talk about the right people and things."

"It's just that I feel strongly that the London Independent Beer Scene is underrepresented in the online media."

Wetherspoons Announce New Offer

"But you'll never sell it as cheap as me!"

Following the "success" of their Craft beer offer, bottom-end drunk-hooverers JD Wetherspoon are attempting to disrupt the market in an entirely new sector of the drinks market.

"Pubwork", as the information boards refer to it, offers the typical Wetherspoons customer the chance to buy a public house in the fomerly-industrial Midlands or an ill-trodden part of the South-East at a heavily bulk-discounted price.

" It's true," expounded Spoons Overlord Timbo Martin "We bought a large amount of these pubs in bulk, and things haven't quite worked out.  So we've decided to clear them out before all the paperwork starts clogging up my office in Watford. And who wouldn't want the opportunity to own The David, Purley or the The Hugo Guthrie in Tipton for £800 and a couple of CAMRA tokens?"

Closed Pub aficionado Mudgie Mudgington exclaimed "I think it's disgraceful. I was hoping to add these pubs to my website next week."

Licensee Expresses Surprise About Bad Beer

CAMRA in Right For One Shocker

Stereotypically chiselling pub owner Barry Shortmeasure yesterday expressed shock and dismay that a large number of his customers had fallen ill as a result of drinking one of the beers on offer at his pub last Saturday.

"I bought that keg of lager in good faith," pleaded Barry "I had no idea that it could possibly be either contaminated or off."

"This bloke covered in paint stumbled into my pub at 2pm on a Thursday when nobody else was in and said 'Ere, mate. Just done a job, and got these barrels to get rid of. I'll take thirty five quid for the pair.' I mean, who would be suspicious about that? The seals looked OK to me."

Customer Jim Undiscerning told us "We did wonder when it poured out dark brown and cloudy. Especially as the the font said it was Beck's Vier. But it was really hot and I didn't like to say anything."

"I had terrible diarrhoea and vomiting the morning after. But on the plus side it took 6 pints to do that than the usual 4 it takes at Barry's pub."

Bizarre Times at Spoons

Craaaaaaaaaaaaft

Remember last year? I'm sure you do, as I'm certain you don't drink as much as I do, and I can remember it easily. JD Wetherspoon going craft? Remember that? Yes, you do.

If I'm being honest, today I was poised to write a post saying Spoons Craft selection has been a failure, and they're ditching it now they've disrupted the market with cheap Vedett and Adnams Crystal Rye IPA.  But I'm no longer that sure about it.

The whole thing started about six weeks ago, when a sign proclaiming BrewDog This.Is.Lager was reduced to £1.99 on a "Manager's Special". " Oh," spake the Crafties "this means Timbo Martin's ditching it due to poor sales". And that did seem plausible, as, if like my local Spoons, it had seven other lagers on already.

Then last week, several other lines were displayed on the " Manager's Special" board at £1.49 each, including the Crystal Rye, Vedett cans, Rogue IPA and Sagres Lager. So, conclusive evidence that the concept of "Craft" has been a failure at Spoons.

Meanwhile, the Devils Backbone maintained its usual price at £2.99/£3.10, depending on your location.

So, to get to the point (finally), I went into my local Wetherspoons today expecting to at least pick up some cheap stuff before it vanishes forever. But what had vanished in reality was the "Manager's Special" board. Replaced instead with a picture framed beer menu displaying the same prices as before this started.  Death of Craft? Hmm.

What I think has happened is Spoons had ordered a large amount of stock that they'd ordered when the whole "Craftwork" thing started last year. After all, the more you order, the cheaper per unit it will be. But eventually, some will reach it's "Best Before" date. And 9 months is about right for bottled beer.

Still on sale at Spoons, contrary to predictions

So, as they shift the old stock and get the new stock into the fridge, the price can be put back up, per pub depending on how much they had to offload.  You may be doubtful about this, but remember the Sixpoint cans last year. Exactly the same happened with those last year. And have they gone?

Occasionally in business such things happened. Sometimes too much will be ordered and will have to be cleared before it becomes a dead stock problem. I had to do this with a load of bottles of Camden Hells last week. It doesn't mean the concept of Craft Beer is a failure in the location, just that supply has exceeded sales.

I'm welcome to be proved wrong on this, and no doubt some people will get back to me saying that their local Wetherspoons now only sells Fosters, Ruddles and Doom Bar etc. But I doubt there will be many

News in Brief #21

Raaaaaaare

Beer Blogger Dislikes New Limited Edition

This week, Random Brick Brewery unveiled their new special edition beer, Here Come The Bees, a honey and goji berry imperial saison. In a typical effort to drum up viral publicity, they sent cans of it out to various favoured bloggers.

One recipient was 26-year-old craft maniac Alanis Hash-Tagge who announced on Twitter the time she was going to pour her beer out for a live tasting. "I waited, like, hours for my can to reach optimum temperature in the fridge. I used to time to source the exact right glass for this beer. I went for my thin-stemmed quarter pint chalice"

She continued "When I finally opened it up, I instagrammed and Facebooked two dozen photos of the bubbles progressing up the glass. Then I bombarded Twitter with #herecomethebees to make everyone, like, aware. Made sure I put my vlog of the whole thing on YouTube too."

"After I'd taken two hours to do that, I tasted the beer. But it was, like,  warm and flat.  Not what they said at the brewery it was like."

"Still gave it a positive review though, as I did PPE at Oxford with the brewer and didn't want to upset him."

"After this runs out, it's the John Smiths, I suppose"

Primatologists Observe Alcohol Consumption

Scientists from the University of Warwick this month filed their latest field report on primate behaviour to the Royal Society, namely on the subject of drinking booze in the wild.

"It was 8am when it started." reported Dr. PG Tipps "A large group of the biggest, hairiest, and most pot-bellied individuals scooped up their drinks and began imbibing in massive quantities"

"This wasn't a drink as you or I would know it. Rather it was a primitive brown brew, varying between 3% and 7% abv. After a couple of litres were drunk, the observed individuals started exhibiting the signs of inebriation. They began screeching, beating their chests and urinating involuntarily. After they had a massive fight to work out the dominance hierarchy of the group, they collapsed into a comatose slumber."

"But by this time it was 11am, and we had to leave the Heathrow Wetherspoons in order to catch the plane to Africa to study some chimps."

Soooo different

CAMRA Pub Changes Beer Lineup

The South East Grizedale CAMRA branch has been up in arms this week after their favoured local switched beer supplier.

Greg Steakbake, Branch Treasurer exclaimed to us in an email "It's true the Pewter Tankard doesn't have the best selection of cask ale. In fact it has only one handpump. But CAMRA members do get £1.20 discount on a pint. Won Pub Of The Year since 1999, oddly enough."

"Anyway," he went on "last Tuesday we went for our Committee meeting and found found the Thwaites Original had been changed for Moorhouse's Black Cat."

"Our Chairman told the barman it was an outrage, and the members would be confused and scared by change.  The fact that beer could taste different to bitter could make reality collapse before our eyes."

"It was awful. We had to have the Guinness in the end. It was either that or go to another pub. But we'd already given them the POTY for 2015. We did negotiate our discount though."

"Don't tell anyone we drank the keg. Please."

News in Brief #20

Finely crafted artisan lager (left) and macro fizzy filth (right)

Huge Lager Brewery Buys Small Lager Brewery

In massively surprising business news this week, a massive company has taken over a smaller one.

The Huge Lager Company Inc. purchased a controlling interest in the Small Lager Company in order to gain a couple of tenths of a percent of market share for £60 million. CEO of HLC Bill Rapacious Jr. exclaimed yesterday "This purchase will help the HLC gain much needed expertise. And of course Crafty Points, as we haven't actually increased sales since 2002. Nobody wants to be seen drinking tasteless yellow fizz water any more. Adding SLC to our portfolio will give us added fashionability. Even though our flagship products are basically the same."

Small Lager Company head brewer Sam Kegwasher rambled as if trying to convince himself "It was an easy decision to make. The additional investment that comes from our takeov...I mean, partnership with HLC will mean our future here is secured"

"At least until 6 months time when they order me to start using rice and hop extract in my beer. I'll leave then."

" 'Ere mate, need someone doin' in, reet?"

Sophisticate Bloggers Visit Flat Roof Pub

Didsbury residents and Craft Beer Bloggers Natasha Inglenook and Tarquin Laminate-Flooring continued their survey of Manchester's pubs last week with a visit to The Star and Sawnoff, Moss Side.

"We could tell we were welcome when we walked in," enthused Tarquin "as every eye in the pub was turned our way. I presume this was some kind of local greeting custom."

Natasha continued "Surprisingly, we found the Craft Keg was off. The barman affected not to know what it was when I ordered two pints of Cloudwater. What a card! We were glad to see a sense of humour prevails in such unpromising surroundings. We said two Stellas would be fine"

"After something called 'Karaoke Nite' finished," blathered Tarquin " We entered and even won some competition and won a platter of raw meat. One of the locals even offered to cut it up for us in the car park."

"Or at least that's what I think the brandished knife meant."

Even the Smiths only has three months life on it

Wetherspoons to Keep Out Undesirables

JD Wetherspoon today announced an amendment to their door policy to reduce the risk of "alcohol-fuelled disorder" in provincial town centres.

"Basically," announced cheap grog and fodder honcho Timbo Martin "we've empowered our door staff to refuse entry to, well, anyone whom they don't like the look of really. Travellers, drunks, desperate alcoholics, shuffling old men, people in shorts, CAMRA members, hipsters, women dressed in clothes twenty years too young for them, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists. The lot. Yeah."

Asked about the effect on business on the new policy, Timbo lamented "To be honest, our entire pub estate is deserted now. Except for me drinking Abbot in Watford. And even I had to wear a suit and tie to get in."

"By the way, know anyone who wants 2000 casks of real ale with one day left before it's expiry date?"

News in Brief #19

"We don't like you. Go away"

New Craft Beer Alliance Formed

In the latest attempt for Big Craft to seem big (but yet smaller and somehow better than the MegaBrewers), several of the top Craft breweries have formed The Craft Brewers Alliance.

BrewDog, Camden, Beavertown and Magic Rock announced the Alliance to a sceptical trade audience yesterday.  "We've formed our own club and you're not allowed in." blathered BrewDog's James Watt.

"So, you want to join our secret club?" sneered Beavertown's Logan Plant "Well, your smelly boring brown beer is rubbish. You can go and sit in dog poo."

Camden's Jasper Cuppaidge added pertinently "Ner Net Ner Ner-Ner!" and blew a raspberry.

Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild

CAMRA Members Ponder New Beer Style

Middle aged bearded men were thrown into confusion at the beginning of this month by a communique from CAMRA. "May is Mild Month" it said "Make sure you drink Mild in May"

South East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake was bemused "I read the email from St. Albans, and was utterly confused. I'd never heard of Mild Beer, to be honest."

"I looked it up, and apparently it was popular donkey's years ago. Mild hasn't been seen in my branch since 1962." muttered Steakbake, sadly.

"You may as well ask us to go and eat Tasmanian Tiger pies."

Copyright Timbo

Meal Deal Customer Disappointed

Last Wednesday afternoon, commercial traveller and casual pubgoer Bob Unwary needed to find some food in Oswestry, a town unfamiliar to him.

"I was walking down the high street, and saw an A-board outside a pub advertising 'Curry Club'. Well, Wetherspoons is as good as any, I thought, at least I know what I'll be getting."

"I went in and ordered my meal and pint of lager. It wasn't until I got halfway through when I realised it was I surprisingly edible." he continued  "I checked the signage properly and found I was in an independent pub rather than a Spoons. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted dry and scorchingly hot microwave 'food' "

The pub in question has been informed that 'Curry Club' is copyright JD Wetherspoon inc. and has been closed down on the orders of Timbo Martin until further notice.

News in Brief #9

9am Club Condemn Return of John Smiths

"Yay! No prising off the fonts and reprinting the menus!"

Following the announcement that JD Wetherspoons have made up with Heineken, the former early morning smooth drinking stalwarts have been surprisingly up in arms at the news.

"When we were told by the Team Leader one Tuesday that the Smiths had run out," said disgruntled lark alcoholic Bob Cirrhosis " and we were distraught. 'What are we gonna drink now?' Lager is too fizzy and Ruddles has too much flavour.  Then we were offered a coffee as consolation and our lives were transformed."

"Now me any my mates meet here at Spoons for a triple mocha skinny latte and brioche muffin every morning.  Now we hear the Smooth is back. We're going to have to change our routine again."

"It's as if the bastards are playing with our affections"

Tryanuary Only for "Right People and Things"

We'll vet you for coolness beforehand

Crafty Hipster promoted desperate winter trade increase attempt "Tryanuary" started this week. The idea is to drink a new beer every day for each day of the 31 in January.

Inveterate publicicity hound and entirely-coincidental microbrewery owner Julian Spargebucket Facebooked yesterday "Yes, it's true. We want people to try new things. But we heard older people were trying boring brown bitters and golden ales. That's not the point, guys! We want young people drinking microcraftbrewery beers. I mean, get with the programme and do the right things, man."

Sam Nocustom, an owner of a bar deserted post-Xmas told us "Eh? Tryanuary? What's that?"

Old People Encouraged to "Go to Pub"

Men in pub circa 1953. Mudgie is the young one

Following reports that elderly men are lonely, professional nostalgist and tide-retreater Mudgie Mudgington has started a campaign to get them down the pub for companionship.

"It's true that today's codgers don't want to be seen doing what yesterday's codgers did. After all, now there's Countdown and Cash In The Attic, which are less effort that going down to the local for a pint of mild and dominoes.  But I think destroying your brain with pints of best is much more preferable than destroying it with daytime TV."

"To be honest,  it's me who wants the company really. This Sam Smiths is so piss weak that even 6 pints in an afternoon doesn't make the pub cat seem to converse with me."

Lawrenson's 2014 Year in Review

I had thought about doing the Golden Pints thing, but as I don't lead what I believe is called the "typical beer blogger recreational drinking lifestyle" (Beer and Pubs - A Personal History), I couldn't see how I'd be able to fill in the requisite categories. So, this is my attempt at an assessment on the year's beer related activities as seen and done by me.

To me, actual beer hasn't progressed that much this year. Not living in a hipster enclave, I haven't drunk many fashionably weird beers this year. Preston's new beer place, The Moorbrook is possibly the only outlet for such things around here, but even there lager and Thwaites Original outnumber the sales of crafty stuff. The spectacle of seeing them unable to shift Mad Hatter Manchester Tart would not be seen much, I trust, south of Wigan. (Jaipur £3.30 a Pint)

One hitherto craft place to was reduced to installing Peroni on the fonts to drum up sales. And despite being vastly overpriced for what you get, it's at least the 3rd best selling beer there. I did question this at the time, saying that while it won't necessarily bring in the "wrong sort", Peroni will encourage them to linger longer than they otherwise would have done. (Regression to the Mean)

In the absence of decent Craft in many towns, drinkers now at least have a better selection at the local Wetherspoons. There's the Sixpoint in cans, the Lagunitas, the Adnams Red Rye IPA. In fact, in many places the Spoons will be the best place to go for decent beer. And then there's ridiculously-named BrewDog This. Is. Lager, which is a decent enough pint of fizz for £3.30. Though how BrewDog can now claim to be making Beer For Punks while shifting pallets of stuff at Timbo's and Tesco's is a moot point (Interview with Baron Dickie of Ellon).

As for me, well there's been good times and bad. I had an immense 16-hour drinking session in Edinburgh in October, which is possible now the whole of Scotland's capital has gone Craft (I Wish I Was in Crafty Hipster Land), but that's pretty much the only ludicrous thing I've done this year. There have been, unfortunately, a few too many incidents where I've ended up a mess (both mentally and physically) on the bus and afterward due to unwise drink choices.  But as I'm still unaware of how that happens, I'll have to live with it for the time being. Or, as I often did, switch to Fentiman's if I'm feeling delicate.

On to 2015, then. Towards my 40th birthday in 49 weeks.

Oooooooold.

News In Brief #6

There is? Really?

Healthier than the average pub meal

A purchaser of a single chocolate bar fell victim to the latest viral beer publicity campaign yesterday.  Ron Casual, 43, entered his local newsagent to purchase a Mars Bar. "I know it's not the healthiest option," he explained "but I was feeling a bit peckish."

However, the unexpected happened as he left the shop. "I suddenly heard this, like, voice or something. 'There's A Beer For That' it kept saying.". The voice compelled him to go to a local crafty pub and buy a 6% Chocolate and Caramel porter.

"Ever since, I've not been able to even look at food without hearing 'There's A Beer For That'." Casual complained "It's almost as if you're not allowed to consume beer and food separately any more."

Booze maven Pete Brown, operating for some reason in a giant microwave satellite dish thing, was unavailable for comment.

Greene King Will Make Your Pub Craft

Craaaaaaaaaaaaft. AND LET NOBODY TELL YOU IT ISN'T

Patrons of the Fox & Duck in Walsham le Willows have been staging a sit in at the pub since a week last Tuesday, over it's owners Greene King's plans for the place.

Habitual home-fleer and protest leader Dave Complacent explains "I was sat there with my pint of IPA Smooth, and suddenly people from the brewery started ripping out all the carpets and seats, replacing them with girders and high stools."

It didn't stop there. "They whipped off the pumpclips for Ruddles and Abbot, and replaced them with weird things. What is a 'Kernel' anyway." he continued "Why can't things stay the same for always?"

"It's almost like Greene King are trying to get rid of us."

JD Wetherspoon Proclaims Motorway Pub "Successful"

"10% of every pint of Abbot goes to the Mark Reckless Campaign"

Despite media reports that the apparently notorious roadside pub, The Hope and Champion in Beaconsfield is failing, Wetherspoons Chairman Timbo Martin, surprisingly, disagrees with this assessment.

Brushing his mullet with his official UKIP comb, Timbo pontificated "Yes, it's true alcohol sales are less than other people would think. But it's not because people don't want to be caught swigging next to a major thoroughfare."

He dubiously continued "No, it's because patrons who want a pint are queueing up behind people who only want a coffee and a meal. That and the queue for the toilets is so long the parking terms and conditions expire before they can get a drink."

"So, pretty much like all the other pubs I run, really."

News in Brief #2

AB-InBev produces new thing

Average craft brewery, yesterday

Commodity yellow pumpswill producer Anheuser-Busch InBev this week announced a revolution in American Pale Ales. "Craft brewers have had it their way too long." exclaimed dubious career-marketer Roger Backe-Stäbber "Only long established breweries such as us can make classic historical pale ales"

"First we take the most lovingly produced malt extract, and add the finest corn, rice, wood pulp and road-sweepings. To this we then add ICI Commercial Bittering Agent #34 and ferment it with our proprietary yeast. After this is completed we mature it extensively for 6-and-half hours before adding artisan-created carbonic acid gas. Then we cask it with some stuff to make it go a bit cloudy it and send it out to our retail partners, where it can be served right away"

"Pale. Ale. Our. Way" (3.6% at £3.50 a pint) will be available from all pubs with little option from 11th September. If we're really unlucky.

You Can't Get the Staff Nowadays

"Cash in hand is easier, darling"

The problem of recruiting and retaining pub staff has been highlighted this week.  Humphrey X. Ploiter, landlord of small-town deserted hellhole The Cock and Bull in Haythornthwaite, N.Yorks whinged to us "Honestly, with all these desperate student types about, you'd think they'd be begging us for work. The last young person we hired actually questioned me about their terms of working for three buttons and a half of Carling at the end while I sat upstairs and watched Game Of Thrones."

Incomprehensibly, this didn't end well. "She worked one shift," continued Ploiter "and then she rang in at 2pm Friday saying she'd found a job paying actual money in sociable hours."

"Kids today expect it all handed to them on a plate. Little bastards"

Good Beer Guide Selection Policy Revealed

All honest and above board

A local CAMRA committee member has sensationally blown the lid off the way in which pubs are selected for the Good Beer Guide.

Treasurer of South-East Grizedale Branch Greg Steakbake explained "It's really simple. We look at who gives us the biggest discount. Here's the clever bit - then we don't go there! Instead we hold our monthly meetings in the other town pubs. Before we order our drinks we say, 'If you'd give me a little more discount I'll mention you at our GBG meeting in May.' We repeat this at every pub, and at the end we have a list of where we've saved the most money."

CAMRA Chairman Colin Valentine said to us in an unconvincing fashion "In no way do we authorise these practices. CAMRA suggests everyone goes to Wetherspoons and uses the vouchers."

Keswick - Why Bother?

I've never got the appeal of the Lake District, myself.  Get a bowl of water, some rocks, and spray half of it green. That's the Lake District, but smaller.  It could be ok, I suppose, but unfortunately there are tourists.

I had a few days off recently, and bought a bus ticket that gave me unlimited travel around the North West for £26.70. "Where," I wondered "is the furthest place I can go without changing buses?".  I like to get my money's worth, so I looked it up.  Keswick, Number 555 from Lancaster, three hours.  So that was that.  There's bound to be something there, I imagined.

So, I eventually got there around 1230, the bus stopping and starting every so often to disgorge and consume the hordes of elderly trippers.  I went to the local Booths to see what they had on different from mine back in Preston.  After that, and realising I had 45 minutes until the bus back turned up, I decided to go for a pint.

I had heard that Lakes towns are a decent beer desert.  Despite the county having more microbreweries than any other, 80% of the pubs are owned by Marstons (and branded as Jennings, of course). The locals are apparently happy with enough Jennings Bitter and Cumberland to fill Derwent Water, and the tourists really don't know any different.  Walking up the high street (eventually, as it appeared to be market day), I counted 7 Jennings pubs, 1 Robinsons and a "Free House" that was blaring music through open windows.  "Christ, I'm glad I don't live here. What with all this tourist tat and crap beer, I'd've gone on some kind of rampage within weeks."

But things, apparently, are about to change in Keswick's dismal on-trade closed shop.  Yes, Timbo Martin has been on the move again, and he's bought the recently closed police station to turn it into a Wetherspoons.  I don't often say this, but Keswick is a place which can only be improved by adding a Spoons to it.  Even if the beer turns out to to be crap, at least it won't be Jennings and won't be £3.70 a pint.

Certain sections of the community do not approve of these happenings.  The usual complaints.  Noise.  Disruption.  Drunks in the streets.  All completely specious of course.  Seeing as the populace of  Keswick appears to be little more than codgers on walking holidays, and those that service their wants and needs, I would reckon that the potential for alcohol-fuelled disorder is limited.  I'm guessing what they most fear is Timbo's Discount Bandwagon exposing the fact that the hostelries and eateries of Keswick have been fleecing tourists with high prices for years.

Yes, more alcohol will probably be sold.  Let's face it, how much 3.5% Jennings would you drink if you were charged Keswick prices?  The alcohol sales would be to people such as I, who are in town for the day and want a decent pint for a reasonable price.  And if a few pubs have to close, well, sorry for the job losses and all, but that's the price of complacency.  If you run a town as a pub fiefdom, expect interlopers to come and undercut you eventually.

I doubt I'll be going back to Keswick any time soon.  It's crowded with tourist nonsense and there's very little else.  But it's good to know that it's dire beer situation will soon be improving.

The Landlord

No, this isn't a post about the best known product of Timothy Taylor, fine product when well-kept it no doubt is. No, in my increasingly reckless journey down the road of iconoclasm, I'm going the write about the person who runs The Pub.

Imagine. You go to the pub, probably for a swift pint before your evening meal. There to greet you is a jolly, ruddy-cheeked chap with sideburns polishing a glass. He knows your name, and is pouring your drink before you even order it. And again, before you even finish that one. As the night closes in, he will listen to the tales of your day with a sympathetic ear, all the while making sure your glass is fuller than your life's events makes it seem. Then, at the end of the night, when you're somewhat the worse for wear, he will gently shepherd you out and back off home, never presuming or offending, but making clear he has your best interests at heart. He closes the doors, to begin the nightly task of making sure his pub is as spick-and-span as when the doors opened that day. Then he turns in, happily reassured by the knowledge that the cycle will begin anew at noon the following day.

Or so the popular image goes. Sadly, the actual experience of tenant landlords in current times sadly exposes this as a myth. The BBC has reported a study that Publicans have one of the lowest levels of job satisfaction, and the Morning Advertiser says many are struggling.  As you've probably read elsewhere, the pincer of falling on-trade drinks sales and pub company/brewery pressures are likely to be behind this. It's a wonder anyone wants to take on a pub at all.

So why be a tenant landlord of a pub? You own the actual business, but you're unlikely to own the building itself or the infrastructure that supports it. When you fail to meet targets, or displease your masters, you're likely to be evicted. Thus losing both your job and home in one go. And even if you do manage to be a success, your rent will likely be raised as a reward.  The salaried manager has none of this, he or she just collects the money and goes home. While they can be pressured and fired, they won't become homeless and a guaranteed a certain amount of cash each month.

Is it now prudent to "call time" (pub article cliché #1, sorry) on the concept of the tenant landlord?  To me, it seems a model of employment left over from the 19th Century, never mind the 20th. I presume it worked when landlords were owner-proprietors, but when they live in a company building to sell that company's products, it seems to be a relationship based on exploitation and coercion. It almost goes without saying that the biggest (and possibly only) pub success of the last 20 years, Wetherspoons, is exclusively salary-managed. I assume that most of the hipster crafty places are run on similar lines, too.

As far as I can see, there are precious few reasons to keep the tenant model going. The only thing it does is attract people with the promise of liberty, but only providing indentured servitude.