News in Brief #16

Who's your very best friend?

Beer Blogger House Condemned

Dry-yet-popular bloggers Bake and Bowley were made homeless today after they were forced to vacate by Environmental Health.

"I guess it started when we did that Orval blending project." said Bake  "We mixed everything with Orval. Old Peculier, Pride, Landlord, everything.  Christ knows how many bottles of the stuff we opened."

"Then a week later," pontificated Bowley "we wondered why our Goose Island IPA tasted funky. We knew something was off then. We tried everything - Doom Bar, Carlsberg, Red Bull. Even our toothbrushing water tasted suspiciously like cleaning out a horsebox"

In unison, they strangely continued "It's then we had the council test everything. The inspector told us it was the worst case of yeast infection she'd ever seen.  Personally we were happy being a source of constant brettanomyces infection, but the neighbours were starting to complain."

To get the rest of the story, we read their email newsletter : "We're fine. Living in a B&B. Will someone send cloudy saison?"

A great Victorian bloke. In more ways than one

Marston's will Buy your Town

As you sit in your local pub pub drinking your local beer, in Burton-on-Trent, a group of people are plotting to ruin your life.

"It starts subtly," admitted serial takeover merchant, Marston's CEO Mike Stavrosblofeld "we make an offer to do their beer cheaper than they can, what with economy of scale and everything. They think 'yeah, can save a bit here'. That's how it begins."

"We then negotiate to buy their brands. After all, we brew them already, right? We say, you concentrate on your pubs, we do the beer. Of course, we 'offer' them the chance to put Hobgoblin and Pedigree in them. Is it better or worse? Doesn't matter"

"Then we've got them by the balls. We stop brewing the old brewery's beer. Who needs these alleged 'local' brands, when they could drink our stuff that's brewed, after all, in the same place?"

"If only Watneys or Whitbread had thought of this 40 years ago. It's a wonder nobody's started a Campaign."

Flip left to right for future shareholder profit

BrewDog Post Record Profits

End user of hops and marketing company BrewDog have announced record profits for the year 2014-15.

"It's a good 70% up on last year" overenthused alleged brewer Martin Dickie. "We made a whole £42 in surplus. Our turnover may have been £29 million, but we've invested the rest in future growth. I'm sure all those Equity For Punks investors will be happy with our yearly dividend of two buttons, a piece of fluff and a lollipop.

"On the other hand," worried Dickie uncharacteristically "maybe the lollipop was a bad idea. It'll give all kinds of ideas to the haters and satirical websites out there."

Keswick - Why Bother?

I've never got the appeal of the Lake District, myself.  Get a bowl of water, some rocks, and spray half of it green. That's the Lake District, but smaller.  It could be ok, I suppose, but unfortunately there are tourists.

I had a few days off recently, and bought a bus ticket that gave me unlimited travel around the North West for £26.70. "Where," I wondered "is the furthest place I can go without changing buses?".  I like to get my money's worth, so I looked it up.  Keswick, Number 555 from Lancaster, three hours.  So that was that.  There's bound to be something there, I imagined.

So, I eventually got there around 1230, the bus stopping and starting every so often to disgorge and consume the hordes of elderly trippers.  I went to the local Booths to see what they had on different from mine back in Preston.  After that, and realising I had 45 minutes until the bus back turned up, I decided to go for a pint.

I had heard that Lakes towns are a decent beer desert.  Despite the county having more microbreweries than any other, 80% of the pubs are owned by Marstons (and branded as Jennings, of course). The locals are apparently happy with enough Jennings Bitter and Cumberland to fill Derwent Water, and the tourists really don't know any different.  Walking up the high street (eventually, as it appeared to be market day), I counted 7 Jennings pubs, 1 Robinsons and a "Free House" that was blaring music through open windows.  "Christ, I'm glad I don't live here. What with all this tourist tat and crap beer, I'd've gone on some kind of rampage within weeks."

But things, apparently, are about to change in Keswick's dismal on-trade closed shop.  Yes, Timbo Martin has been on the move again, and he's bought the recently closed police station to turn it into a Wetherspoons.  I don't often say this, but Keswick is a place which can only be improved by adding a Spoons to it.  Even if the beer turns out to to be crap, at least it won't be Jennings and won't be £3.70 a pint.

Certain sections of the community do not approve of these happenings.  The usual complaints.  Noise.  Disruption.  Drunks in the streets.  All completely specious of course.  Seeing as the populace of  Keswick appears to be little more than codgers on walking holidays, and those that service their wants and needs, I would reckon that the potential for alcohol-fuelled disorder is limited.  I'm guessing what they most fear is Timbo's Discount Bandwagon exposing the fact that the hostelries and eateries of Keswick have been fleecing tourists with high prices for years.

Yes, more alcohol will probably be sold.  Let's face it, how much 3.5% Jennings would you drink if you were charged Keswick prices?  The alcohol sales would be to people such as I, who are in town for the day and want a decent pint for a reasonable price.  And if a few pubs have to close, well, sorry for the job losses and all, but that's the price of complacency.  If you run a town as a pub fiefdom, expect interlopers to come and undercut you eventually.

I doubt I'll be going back to Keswick any time soon.  It's crowded with tourist nonsense and there's very little else.  But it's good to know that it's dire beer situation will soon be improving.

Hoppier Than Hopf**k

"We only had enough hops for one pint, but we managed somehow"

"Please, if you're reading this, please send help. Something... something has gone terribly wrong. We tried to make something so hoppy it was hoppier than even a pile of hops. But we made something terrible. Something that's more monster than hops. We never meant for it to end like this. Blood. Blood and hops, everywhere. May God have mercy on us all."

From The Guide To Craft Beer 

I think it all started when a local barman told me about this beer he had at another pub in town.  It was, he said, a complete "hopfuck".  So off I went to the place and asked for the requisite name I was told.  Stone Ruination IPA it was called.  I handed over my £9 and was given in return a green bottle with tiny writing and a BrewDog half-pint glass.

And yes, reader, I was well and truly fucked by hops.

Despairing of ever being able to taste anything else for the rest of the day, I ordered a Fentiman's Vicky Lemonade, usually a desperate measure when I feel myself getting too pissed to order another beer.  I could barely taste a bloody thing.

You really do have to wonder sometimes.  Is there anything but hops in the Crafty world?  Woe betide the beer that makes claims of hoppiness on it's label that fails to meet the expectation of the Crafties, such as this review for Thwaites 13 Guns at CAMRGB.  But while the bottle labels have the self-conscious "Craft" design, they're aimed at the regular Premium Bottled Ale buyer, who would consider the likes of 13 Guns bloody hoppy if he usually drank Thwaites Original or Wainwright.

Reading through CAMRGB's reviews, you will struggle to find a beer given a half decent review if it isn't (a) a high ABV American-style IPA (b) an Imperial Stout or (c) a Saison.  Reading them, you have to wonder if the reviewer isn't suffering from a major case of palate fatigue, to which only ever increasing amounts of alpha-acids and hops can respond to and overcome.  Ironically, the few "regular" beers that get decent write-ups are usually described with the phrase "I liked this, but I don't know why."

Not being able to find my flannel shirt and flat cap, or grow a moustache fast enough, I decided to take drastic measures to avoid beer hipster ennui.  And I was saved.  Yes, saved. By Marston's.

:Luckily, a local shop was reducing the 5L fastcasks of Pedigree (they have a short shelf-life due to the "live yeast" they apparently contain), and picked one up at 80% off.  "I'd even drink Pedigree at £3.59 for nine pints of it", I thought.  The first couple tasted of nothing, but slowly my senses got used to Marston's BlandCask, and was having reasonable fun by it's eventual draining time two days later.  And it worked.  By Sunday, even Kirkby Lonsdale's beers tasted hoppy again.

Hops are good.  Hops provide a lot of the flavour in the vast majority of beers.  But are they the be-all and end-all of good beer? 

Old Beer Ads #10 - Marston's Pedigree (1994)

Apologies for not posting the ad directly this time (couldn't find it on it's own on YouTube) - it starts on this video at 2:08.

I remember loving this ad at the time.  I was only 18 and wouldn't even have thought of drinking Pedigree at the time.  I'm just a sucker for cod-Victorian humour (as my purchase of this, this and this would suggest).  The animation and song style is nicked from the Oscar-winning short Great by Bob Godfrey, which I only realised when I saw it on Channel 4 a year later.  Much worse things to steal from, and it's the only beer commercial from the time I can still remember all the words to.

Marston's is not as well regarded in beer circles as it was 20 years ago,.  Whether for Fast Cask or "Gobbyhobbitgate" is moot point, but apparently Pedigree is not as good as it was even it's still Brewed The Burton Union Way (and, unlike many things since then, really still is Up Until The Present Day).  They still seem to be building new pubs, though, like this one near me.  Though it's doubtful they're the type of pub beer fans would really want to venture to.

Remember, it could be worse.  They could be like Greene King.  Good old John Marston...