Showing posts with label BrewDog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BrewDog. Show all posts

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

News in Brief #41

What? You just want a quiet pint? This is 2016, man

Communicator Announces Event


"Are you fed up with so-called 'Meet The Brewer' events? Where the pub is full of people trying to buy and drink beer, talking amongst themselves, and not even listening to the admittedly poor communication skills of the Brewer in question? If you are, then join me, Curt Mattis, at the Marquess of Granby in Highbury on 23/04/16, for the next generation in events. MTB : Reinvented.

"And I'm sure you're fed up of clichéd food matching too.  Well, I will not only be matching the food to the beer using my awesome expertise, but also the music, pub decoration and even the air you'll be breathing.

The brewers themselves, Dave from Flower Garden and Paul from Random Brick will be asking each other questions for your listening to keep the whole thing pertinent. Expect major revelations, such as what they actually think of big brewers. They will not be answering questions afterwards as everyone will be drunk

So, come to MTB : The Right Crowd And No Crowding. (c) Curt Mattis 2016"
Regulars can bugger off. For that day, anyway

Private Party Invades Local 


Last Friday, an 80-strong party of office workers from Garrets Insolvency Ltd. of Bicester, Oxon, booked a private room at a local pub, the Princess Alexandra. "Much easier for everyone than going to Wetherspoons, where anyone could get in" said organiser Roger Bison.

"Everyone turned up at the same time, and the bar was crowded.  There was the room with "Private Party" stuck on the door. But nobody wanted to go in there. John from accounts told me it was the first pub he'd been to and he wanted to feel like a real pubgoer and stood there blocking the bar"

Friday night regular Bob Barfly told us "I know these things help keep the place open in quiet times. But they could at least keep a path open to the bar and the toilet."

"Or even allow me enough room to raise a glass to my lips."

Ironically never reached "Admiral" on the fishing boat

"Punk" Brewery Boss now Admiral


BrewDog co-founder and self-aggrandiser James Watt this week promoted himself in his own business. "I know I've always referred to myself as 'Captain' of the brewery, but my level of responsibility now needs a more important title. I did consider 'Commodore', but none of our bars have vintage computers yet.

" So, I am now the Admiral of BrewDog. The hat I've got for this is much cooler than that flat cap, anyway.  The anchor and everything means I get the respect I deserve. Even from TV documentary makers who would never portray me in a bad light or anything.

"It's great. I can stand on this balcony and proclaim the latest wonderful news about our Punk revolution in Craft Brewing. Not that I want to be surrounded by crawling yes-people or anything. What do you say, fellow Beer Punks?"

"Yes, James!", they replied.

Friday, 19 February 2016

Punk'd

Remember when punks were like this?


Sadly, that was forty years ago and television is a much more controlled environment now. Those things don't happen any more.

But what would happen if a Punk got hold of a Craft Beer canning line? Hmm? What then?
Photo courtesy of Daniel J. Hunt
Perhaps the printer operator on that run was undergoing a disciplinary; perhaps they were leaving that week; perhaps they were just having a bad day. Who knows? But you'd think that such outrageous actions would have been heartily applauded by the "Punk" brewery they were working for. It could have been spun as a cocking of the snook towards the otherwise mundane world of the beer can. Think of the publicity! And if there's one thing we know this particular brewery likes, it's publicity.

Sadly, that's not what happened. Said brewery have not acknowledged that this even has occurred and has instead allegedly conducted a quiet withdrawal of the affected batch of sweary cans. It could be that they don't want thet creation of a secondary market for these potential "collectors items" on eBay. This brewery loves their rarities making money, but only if they themselves are the beneficiaries.

Or, it could be that this apparently iconoclastic, noisy, and attention-seeking brewery isn't as "Punk" as they claim. With their products being increasingly stocked in "mainstream" outlets, they may not want any potentially account-jeopardising rudeness to be seen by, shall we say, less avid consumers of the Craft Lifestyle. Maybe Craft Beer is now the big business it's advocates have always denied it being.

Still, makes you think, doesn't it.

Friday, 30 October 2015

News in Brief #33

McTand at the last CAMRA Social

Scotsman Drinks Lager


Last Wednesday afternoon, the South East Grizedale CAMRA branch descended upon Lehybison's Brewery for a tour and general drinking session.

Local Chairman Hamish McTand was served a pint of Lehybison's Lager by smirking brewery owner Louis Lehybison-Smythe. "I suppose you won't be drinking this, then" he giggled.  He was shocked when McTand downed the cold, fizzy pint in one gulp

"Och, what made you think that?" laughed McTand "Back home in Dumbarton we drink nothing else. I love the stuff" as he necked another.

"Actually, I awnly joined CAMRA tae complain in pubs about the quality of the Real Ale. I order pint o'something I know will be warm and flat, take it back to the bar and say 'Have tae have the Lager, then!' "

"Come awn," announced McTand to the shocked members and brewers "Everyone in CAMRA does it, right?"

"But I thought you loved me! Or at least knew my name!"

Craft Brewer Sad


Bob Motte, an East Cumbrian artisan beer maker, yesterday bemoaned the decline of cordial relations with his fellow Craft Pioneers, BrewDog

"Back in 2007, BrewDog and me were best mates." cried Bob "We pushed onwards against the confines of boring real ales, and increased awareness in the world about the potential of flavoursome craft beer."

"Now they've gone up in the world with their huge brewery in Aberdeen, they won't even acknowledge the likes of me.  It's almost as if they think their company is somehow apart since it's worth £300 million"

"I guess I'm some kind of threat to them with my 5-barrel plant and minimally supermarket presence." he theorised amusingly "They must be worried I'll take all their sales and publicity."

We queried BrewDog's James Watt on these events. "Bob Motte?" wondered Watty "Owns a micropub in Kent, right?"

"Saves on the Central Heating too!"

Pub Fire Turns Customers Into Cavemen


Now they the year has moved deep into Autumn, pubs across the land are attempting to create warmth and "ambience" by putting on a real fire.

Customers at the Earl of Pilkington tavern in Harrogate have expressed their approval of the combination of conflagrations and drinking. "Ugg like fire." said Martin Palmer, a Director of Finance at a Local printers "Fire warm and keep evil spirits away"

Chartered Accountant Warwick Hill advanced towards the fire with an outstretched stick, muttering "Ogg too like fire. Can have fire too?  Woman say woman will be with Ogg if Ogg get fire."

Mr.Palmer brandished a poker and coal scuttle threateningly at Mr. Hill and shouted "No! Fire is Ugg's!  Woman too is Ugg's. All women are Ugg's thanks to Fire God!"

Landlord Simon Canning sighed and said to another customer "I know. But they're even worse after a few drinks."

Thursday, 10 September 2015

News in Brief #30

Watty knows what Craft is

BrewDog to Stop Stocking BrewDog Beer


This week, exponentially expanding Crafty bar operator BrewDog PLC has conducted a wide-ranging review of it's beer policy. "It's something we do regularly," pontificated posturing 'anti-businessman' James Watt "just to make certain what we stock meets certain standards of quality and artisan production."

"I looked down the list. Partizan, yeah. Kernel, yeah, Brew By Numbers, yeah. Then I saw we were stocking stuff by a company called BrewDog. Didn't know much about them to be honest. So I looked up their website and I was horrified."

"This so-called Craft Brewery seems to fund itself via deeply odd share issues and bond issues, while endlessly shouting about how rebellious and 'punk' it is. I read somewhere that this 'BrewDog' is valued at £300 million. Some punks!"

"I rang up every bar in our company and told them to tip all this 'BrewDog' beer into the nearest river.  We can't be seen selling such faux-Craft beer."

Local hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt told us while putting empties into the local bottle bank "BrewDog? Are they still a brewery"
STONCH Blog soon to be renamed "Ginger Beer"

STONCH Blog Announces New Contributor


Beer blog and perpetual controversy factory STONCH has announced the latest member of it's ever increasing writing team.

"I've been wanting to take a back seat on the blog for ages." rambled Stonch himself from underneath a huge pile of Moretti bottles. "So, while I've been getting more people in to do the writing, I've found I needed someone else to help coordinate their efforts."

Someone Else is former News Of The World editor Rebekah Brooks. "To be honest, when we found out we were all trembling with fear." confided STONCH writer Tinno Mackerel "We thought we'd be exposing Beer Communicators as paedophiles using phone hacking. But it's not happened. Yet."

But fellow STONCH scribe Benjy Broggovich admitted "After sending in a post about Harvey's Best, Rebekah did give me an awful phone call saying it was "Fucking shit and you can fucking stick this real ale shit up your fucking arse, you fucking shitty prick." "

"Though she does seem to be more polite than Stonch ever was."
Not a macrobrewery, yesterday

Lagunitas Boss Sells Company Over Corpse.


The Craft Beer world was rocked to it's Converse sneakers by the news this week that macrobrewer Heineken has purchased a 50% interest in California brewer Lagunitas.

"I know I said that I'd only sell out over my dead body." protested Brewery boss Tony Magee "But I'm not as hypocrite as you know."

Magee managed to buy an actual dead body of a Mexican illegal immigrant to sign the contract with the Dutch fizz factory. "They're ten a penny round here," laughed Magee "and we made sure we did the contracts in the walk in fridge."

Meanwhile, Lagunitas head brewery Summer Fourtwenty expressed his approval at the deal "Heineken, man" he murmered contentedly through half-closed eyes "That mean I can visit Amsterdam for business reasons on expenses."

"I wanna see the windmills and canals, man."


Wednesday, 12 August 2015

News in Brief #27

Look at them. They come in here, drink all the booze.

GBBF Now Just Trade Day


Crowded booze up masquerading as pleasurable drinking  experience The Great British Beer Festival has announced it's dates for 2016. Or rather, date.

"Yeah, it's true" opined CAMRA festival organiser Bob Unwashedglass "I opened the doors this afternoon to let in the the expectant Great British drinking public to sample our fine real ales and thought 'Isn't this fucking awful?' I mean it is, isn't it?"

"Every year, all these bastards come in just to get pissed. They don't care about Real Ale or it's history. So we decided that from next year, we'll just have the Trade Day. That way, we can have decent appreciative talks and gossip about which brewers are dodging tax."

But surely just the Trade crowd wouldn't be able to finish off those hundreds of casks, we asked. "Don't you believe it, mate! We're right pissheads, us." retorted Bob "Plus, we'll invite the Bloggers along. Most of them are alkies who are only in it for free booze anyway."

Tickets for the 2016 Great British Beer Festival will be available sometime, from somewhere or other, if you know somebody.

Small scale artisan brewery yesterday

BrewDog Declared No Longer Craft


The self-appointed arbiters of Craft Enlightenment, the Beer Commenterati have informed everyone else in the beer world that IBU and adjunct adding types BrewDog no longer meet the criteria of being a Craft Brewery.

"I'm sure you're expecting us to say," opined Crafty hipster beer middle-man Ivan Vancooler "that we don't approve of them going into bed with Tesco and exploiting gullible investors by selling ever decreasing shares in the brewery for ever increasing amounts of money. But, no. We just think they make too much beer and are trying to appeal to too many people."

"Surely the point of being a Craft Brewery is to brew a small amount of beer that can only be found in an obscure bar only known to the righteous few,  where they can sip it while writing extensive notes on hopping and food pairings.  But BrewDog have betrayed this ideal in our eyes."

Flat cap wearing press releaser James Watt countered "Hey, we're trying our best. Our large brewery in Ellon is still technically a "shed", and we're increasing our quality controls to make the beer more opaque. What more do they want?"

"If all else fails, we'll get the Craft Brewers Alliance to redefine what Craft Beer actually is. It's worked before."

Harry says Cans are Craft

Tramp Crowdfunds Next Drink


After experiencing ever diminishing returns using traditional beggingw methods, street-dwelling itinerant Harry Stringtrousers has got with 21st Century social media to find new ways of cadging money for a can of Super.

"I've set up a Kickstarter for myself." explained Harry "I found people no longer responded to hackneyed techniques such as muttering '10p for a cup of tea, guv?'.  It's almost as if they thought I shouldn't be doing it. Anyway, if you go to harryneedscans.com, you'll find my full range of incentives and rewards."

The minimum pledge, 40p, will get you a note saying "Cheers, kind sir" scrawled on the back of a Subway bag. £2 will get you an invitation to pose for a photo with Harry's emaciated and mangy dog, Welpark. £6.50 (the price of a 4-pack of Tennents Super at Barry's nearest offy) means you can spend a day with a BBC 4 documentary crew depicting the plight of the alcoholic homeless to the wealthy middle class in Islington.

Nearby Shoreditch railway arch brewer Luke Lumberjack-Shirt complained "I think this scheme is terrible. What kind of person would reduce themselves to such beggary and relying on the goodwill of the gullible?"

"Somebody should put a stop to it. Why are you laughing?"


Monday, 11 May 2015

News in Brief #19

"We don't like you. Go away"

New Craft Beer Alliance Formed


In the latest attempt for Big Craft to seem big (but yet smaller and somehow better than the MegaBrewers), several of the top Craft breweries have formed The Craft Brewers Alliance.

BrewDog, Camden, Beavertown and Magic Rock announced the Alliance to a sceptical trade audience yesterday.  "We've formed our own club and you're not allowed in." blathered BrewDog's James Watt.

"So, you want to join our secret club?" sneered Beavertown's Logan Plant "Well, your smelly boring brown beer is rubbish. You can go and sit in dog poo."

Camden's Jasper Cuppaidge added pertinently "Ner Net Ner Ner-Ner!" and blew a raspberry.
Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild

CAMRA Members Ponder New Beer Style


Middle aged bearded men were thrown into confusion at the beginning of this month by a communique from CAMRA. "May is Mild Month" it said "Make sure you drink Mild in May"

South East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake was bemused "I read the email from St. Albans, and was utterly confused. I'd never heard of Mild Beer, to be honest."

"I looked it up, and apparently it was popular donkey's years ago. Mild hasn't been seen in my branch since 1962." muttered Steakbake, sadly.

"You may as well ask us to go and eat Tasmanian Tiger pies."
Copyright Timbo

Meal Deal Customer Disappointed


Last Wednesday afternoon, commercial traveller and casual pubgoer Bob Unwary needed to find some food in Oswestry, a town unfamiliar to him.

"I was walking down the high street, and saw an A-board outside a pub advertising 'Curry Club'. Well, Wetherspoons is as good as any, I thought, at least I know what I'll be getting."

"I went in and ordered my meal and pint of lager. It wasn't until I got halfway through when I realised it was I surprisingly edible." he continued  "I checked the signage properly and found I was in an independent pub rather than a Spoons. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted dry and scorchingly hot microwave 'food' "

The pub in question has been informed that 'Curry Club' is copyright JD Wetherspoon inc. and has been closed down on the orders of Timbo Martin until further notice.

Monday, 27 April 2015

News in Brief #18

The view from inside. Keeps pesky unwanted types away

Pub Refurb Meets Campaigner Standard


Nineteen Fifties dwelling Canute figure Mudgie Mudgington this week put his seal of approval on the recent refurbishment of the Bull & Bottle, Cheadle Hulme. "It's nice to see, for once, a sympathetic redecoration of a traditional pub." he said to his possibly imaginary legion of acolytes.

The formerly open pub interior has been subdivided into 27 separate rooms, all painted dark brown and furnished with a bench seat and a small wooden table. "All the better for quietly reading the Telegraph on a Tuesday afternoon with a pint of best" says Mudgie.

The pub now also has a strictly no-families and no-music policy. However, an infinite number of cats are allowed. We couldn't help noticing, though, that Mudgie himself had been the only customer all day.

"That's quite alright" he burbled "I hear Home Bargains are looking to buy the place next year."

"The beer will be even cheaper then."

Easier to get to than Aberdeen, anyway

BrewDog Looking to Buy Country


Self-aggrandising sellers of fizzy hop water BrewDog announced their 6th expansion plan of the week to their hordes of willing suckers Equity Punks.

James Watt proclaimed in his usual modest manner "Yes, we're presently in negotiation to buy one of the smaller European countries. Maybe Liechtenstein or Andorra. When that goes through, we intend to turn it into a Craft Beer Paradise."

This will involve changes in the State's infrastructure "We intend for all houses to have hot and cold running Punk IPA." wittered Watty "All the agricultural land will be turned into hop gardens, and the restaurants will serve nothing but pulled pork and artisan pizza. Maybe artisan pulled pork pizza too. Flat caps will be incorporated into the national costume."

Asked whether a mid-size craft brewery had any expertise in administering a country, James reassured us "Thankfully, many of our staff have experience in running governmental organisations, so we don't for see any problems there"

"Though that's the reason they left those jobs to work for a brewery. But that's business, I mean, the path to Craft Enlightenment."

"What do you mean you don't think I drank this stuff before 2010?"

UKIP Announces Policy For Pubs


As Election Apathy Fever sweeps the nation, the sole acceptable face of the UK Independence Party Nigel Farage revealed his plans to save the pub industry from its ever increasing spiral of decline.

"It's true we've announced that we intend to allow pubs to install smoking rooms for the benefit of their patrons," handwaved the former City Trader and self-appointed man of the people "but after further discussion, we realised it didn't go far enough in the cause of freedom."

"We at UKIP propose to allow publicans to set aside a room for the use of heroin and crack cocaine.  There's no evidence I can find that use of these items present a threat to the health of either staff or other pubgoers."

"As these things don't come from the Continent, it means they're OK." he continued entirely non-prejudicially "The USA and Afghanistan are important trading partners of ours."

"And if you don't agree, you can go and live in Brussels with those meddling Eurocrats".

Thursday, 2 April 2015

News in Brief #16

Who's your very best friend?
Beer Blogger House Condemned

Dry-yet-popular bloggers Bake and Bowley were made homeless today after they were forced to vacate by Environmental Health.

"I guess it started when we did that Orval blending project." said Bake  "We mixed everything with Orval. Old Peculier, Pride, Landlord, everything.  Christ knows how many bottles of the stuff we opened."

"Then a week later," pontificated Bowley "we wondered why our Goose Island IPA tasted funky. We knew something was off then. We tried everything - Doom Bar, Carlsberg, Red Bull. Even our toothbrushing water tasted suspiciously like cleaning out a horsebox"

In unison, they strangely continued "It's then we had the council test everything. The inspector told us it was the worst case of yeast infection she'd ever seen.  Personally we were happy being a source of constant brettanomyces infection, but the neighbours were starting to complain."

To get the rest of the story, we read their email newsletter : "We're fine. Living in a B&B. Will someone send cloudy saison?"

A great Victorian bloke. In more ways than one
Marston's will Buy your Town

As you sit in your local pub pub drinking your local beer, in Burton-on-Trent, a group of people are plotting to ruin your life.

"It starts subtly," admitted serial takeover merchant, Marston's CEO Mike Stavrosblofeld "we make an offer to do their beer cheaper than they can, what with economy of scale and everything. They think 'yeah, can save a bit here'. That's how it begins."

"We then negotiate to buy their brands. After all, we brew them already, right? We say, you concentrate on your pubs, we do the beer. Of course, we 'offer' them the chance to put Hobgoblin and Pedigree in them. Is it better or worse? Doesn't matter"

"Then we've got them by the balls. We stop brewing the old brewery's beer. Who needs these alleged 'local' brands, when they could drink our stuff that's brewed, after all, in the same place?"

"If only Watneys or Whitbread had thought of this 40 years ago. It's a wonder nobody's started a Campaign."

Flip left to right for future shareholder profit
BrewDog Post Record Profits

End user of hops and marketing company BrewDog have announced record profits for the year 2014-15.

"It's a good 70% up on last year" overenthused alleged brewer Martin Dickie. "We made a whole £42 in surplus. Our turnover may have been £29 million, but we've invested the rest in future growth. I'm sure all those Equity For Punks investors will be happy with our yearly dividend of two buttons, a piece of fluff and a lollipop.

"On the other hand," worried Dickie uncharacteristically "maybe the lollipop was a bad idea. It'll give all kinds of ideas to the haters and satirical websites out there."

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Lawrenson's 2014 Year in Review


I had thought about doing the Golden Pints thing, but as I don't lead what I believe is called the "typical beer blogger recreational drinking lifestyle" (Beer and Pubs - A Personal History), I couldn't see how I'd be able to fill in the requisite categories. So, this is my attempt at an assessment on the year's beer related activities as seen and done by me.

To me, actual beer hasn't progressed that much this year. Not living in a hipster enclave, I haven't drunk many fashionably weird beers this year. Preston's new beer place, The Moorbrook is possibly the only outlet for such things around here, but even there lager and Thwaites Original outnumber the sales of crafty stuff. The spectacle of seeing them unable to shift Mad Hatter Manchester Tart would not be seen much, I trust, south of Wigan. (Jaipur £3.30 a Pint)

One hitherto craft place to was reduced to installing Peroni on the fonts to drum up sales. And despite being vastly overpriced for what you get, it's at least the 3rd best selling beer there. I did question this at the time, saying that while it won't necessarily bring in the "wrong sort", Peroni will encourage them to linger longer than they otherwise would have done. (Regression to the Mean)

In the absence of decent Craft in many towns, drinkers now at least have a better selection at the local Wetherspoons. There's the Sixpoint in cans, the Lagunitas, the Adnams Red Rye IPA. In fact, in many places the Spoons will be the best place to go for decent beer. And then there's ridiculously-named BrewDog This. Is. Lager, which is a decent enough pint of fizz for £3.30. Though how BrewDog can now claim to be making Beer For Punks while shifting pallets of stuff at Timbo's and Tesco's is a moot point (Interview with Baron Dickie of Ellon).

As for me, well there's been good times and bad. I had an immense 16-hour drinking session in Edinburgh in October, which is possible now the whole of Scotland's capital has gone Craft (I Wish I Was in Crafty Hipster Land), but that's pretty much the only ludicrous thing I've done this year. There have been, unfortunately, a few too many incidents where I've ended up a mess (both mentally and physically) on the bus and afterward due to unwise drink choices.  But as I'm still unaware of how that happens, I'll have to live with it for the time being. Or, as I often did, switch to Fentiman's if I'm feeling delicate.

On to 2015, then. Towards my 40th birthday in 49 weeks.

Oooooooold.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

I Wish I Was In Crafty Hipster Land

Tourist idiots, Yesterday. And pretty much every day.
It's always some sort of experience going back to a place where you've not been for several years.  Oh, THAT's not there anymore, oh THAT'S become a Starbucks, oh THAT'S been demolished for city regeneration. I remember experiencing this with Stoke, where very little from my childhood remain (some would say this is a good thing).

So, having a week off, I went to Edinburgh for a couple of days. I've stayed several times, but most recently in March 2010 (where I spent most of the time arguing with my ex, but that's another story).

Most of all I went for the drink, of which there is no shortage in Edinburgh. I availed myself of The Scotch Malt Whisky Society members rooms to try and get my £59 a year's worth and avoided places that advertised they had Belhaven Best and Deuchars IPA (you'd think they'd want to keep it quiet).

Most of all, I discovered that Edinburgh has been slowly taken over by Craft. The aforementioned places that used to be there are more often than not now trendy bars full of Evil Keg and hipsters.  Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing exactly, and it's much preferable to dark pubs of 80 Shilling, but it is disconcerting when you didn't expect it.

Whereas it's fashionable on this blog to blame BrewDog for everything (I was reassured at the Edinburgh branch when a massively bearded barman was finally spotted), there are actually places that are even CRAFTIER than BrewDog.
I can't be bothered putting enough all the A's in "Craft" for this
So, eventually I reached The Hanging Bat on Lothian Street, after walking around for 90 minutes looking (I probably needed the exercise after the dubious drinking binges of the previous two days). I knew the place was Craft, but nothing prepared me for HOW Craft. It was like playing hipster bar bingo :

1. No pumpclips or keg font displays. Blackboard instead. Check.
2. Entirely decorated in weathered wood and reclaimed bricks. Check.
3. Bar staff either thin, bearded young men or very thin young women. Check.
4. All beers served in 2/3 measures. Check.
5. Onsite brewery on display out the back. Check
6. Urinals made from sawn-off beer barrels. Check
7.  (and this is the clincher) The taps in the Gents were keg fonts. Check.

Yes. It was the craftiest place I've ever been to. And that's saying something. Mark my words, every pub will be like this in 10 years.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

News In Brief #4

If it's keg, it must be 'craft', right?
BrewDog Stocking New Beer

Irony merchants and publicity generators BrewDog today announced that all their Craft Bars in the UK will be stocking John Smith's Extra Smooth from November 1st.  Bullshit-spouting hat-wearer James Watt shouted from a big platform in Edinburgh "The time has come for us to embrace nitrokeg bitter. Such concepts as 'flavour' and 'quality ingredients' are outdated old tat.  We will be selling the tasteless brown muck for £4.50 a pint, and £6 in London. To be enjoyed in an ironic fashion, of course."

Meanwhile, in Watford Wetherspoons boss Timbo Martin was reported to be quaking in his boots. Or perhaps not.

Happens all the time, apparently

CAMRA 'not sexist'

In their latest haphazard and ill-advised move, The Campaign for Real Ale Executive Committee have denied claims that they are a bunch of sexist dinosaurs who imagine they're living in an 80s episode of The Benny Hill Show.

Colin Valentine today signed off a press release saying "We don't know where people get these ideas. Just because we put out leaflets depicting scantily-clad girls being leered at by men doesn't mean we're a load of middle-aged misogynists."

"CAMRA fully supports all women working in the brewing and pub industry, whether they're barmaids, cleaners or hospitality samplers at Brewery events. These criticisms are entirely unfounded."

"Even my PA is female, you know. Who's the dinosaur now, eh?"

"You have to be old enough grow a huge beard, but young enough not to remember 4 channel TV"

Over 35-year-old spotted at IndyManBeerCon

Evil keg drinkers at the yearly crafty hipster fest were shocked last Saturday when a man close to middle age gained entrance and proceeded to ask about beer - "This is a beer festival, right? Got any best bitters? Butcombe? Bathams? Moorhouses?", he was reported to have said to terrified volunteer, skinny-jeans wearing WG Grace lookalike Jason Hirsute.

"It was horrible" Hirsute cried "I had no idea anyone would like beer under 8%"

Festival organisers gently escorted the man from the building and took him to the nearest Hyde's pub, leaving him with enough change for a pint of mild.

"I know it sounds awful, but we thought it was the kindest thing to do."





Friday, 29 August 2014

Interview with Baron Dickie of Ellon



Article taken from telegraph.com (3rd March 2034)

The craggy mountains of Aberdeenshire are, as you'd expect, laced with the history of alcohol.  Most people would associate this area with whisky, the abundant water and cool climate being ideal for producing the water of life. But whereas you'd expect to find the master distiller of Glen Garioch here, discovering the retreat of a former craft brewer is a surprise.

Turn left at Inverurie on the A94, and you will eventually reach the village of Oldmeldrum. A place of stone built cottages and pebbledashed council housing, the last thing you're anticipating seeing on the outskirts is a large country house in the 2020s Brutalist Gothic Style. The only clue about the history of the occupant is the faded blue and slowly disintegrating sign depicting a stylised dog, topped with the distressed typography that was inexplicably popular back in the 2010s.  This is the home of one of the architects of the craft beer revolution, Baron Dickie of Ellon, best known as Martin Dickie from BrewDog.

Craft beer was the biggest thing to happen to the drinks industry back in the early 2000s. In many ways, it's influence was disproportionate to it's actual sales. But it's fair to say, beer would be very different today, some would even say extinct, if not for the influence of the Craft movement.

Viewing Lord Dickie today, it's hard to imagine him as the flat-cap wearing firebrand enfant-terrible of British Brewing.  Reposing on an antique Chesterfield, dressed head-to-toe in tweed, he looks every inch the middle-aged Scottish country gent. The flat cap remains, though these days it is a product of the Isle of Harris rather than a hipster boutique in Edinburgh's West End.

"How did we get into the 'craft beer' thing? Well, as we [Dickie and his former friend and business partner James Watt] saw it, there was a gap in the market. Beer was many things earlier this century, but fashionable it wasn't." explained the Baron, sipping on a fine China cup of Earl Grey.

"I was an assistant brewer at Thornbridge [a defunct, but much lamented craft brewery in Derbyshire] back in those days.  I'd created an India Pale Ale called Jaipur which had reasonable popular and critical success, I'd like to think."  But the brewery's owners were independently wealthy, and saw no need to change their rather staid, so Dickie saw it, ideas of beer in order to become more successful.

"I could have stayed at Thornbridge and churned out endlessly tweaked versions of Jaipur for the pub and festival market. I saw the sales figures and knew there was a demand.  But it didn't appeal much to me.  Where was the notoriety, I asked myself, in being one of many assistant brewers at a microbrewery in a country house in the middle of nowhere in England?  I needed to do something else."

The something else in question came in the form of James Watt, Dickie's old schoolfriend and erstwhile North Sea fishing boat captain.  "Jimmy was at a loose end," he explained "He knew nothing about brewing, but was savvy about money and marketing.  We decided to set up a brewery together.  It was either that or buy a trawler, and neither of us fancied that."

Setting up the brewery was one thing, as they did in the town of Ellon, Aberdeenshire in 2006, but how could they differentiate themselves from the ever-increasing numbers of microbreweries that were springing into existence in the late 2000s?  Watt and Dickie eventually hit upon the answer "Every man and his dog was installing brewing kit in his shed back then.  It was all that redundancy money and free time floating about.  All you needed was a basic technique and some New World hops and bang, there you were.  A lot of it was crap, but there was a lot of it.  We decided to take our cue from America."

Stone Brewery may not mean much to us now, but they were, in the parlance of the time, the edgiest craft brewer out there.  Even the straightest of their bottled beers gave an immense smack of hops to the face, and their packaging provoked and even outright insulted their customers. One bottle blurb shouted "This is an aggressive ale. You probably won't like it.  It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth".  

"We liked the sound of that.", said Dickie.
-------

"I don't know how and when we came up with the name 'BrewDog'.  I think Jimmy's dog had just died, and it was on his mind.  It sounded catchy enough, anyway."  But where did the whole "punk" image come from?  They had the Dog, and they had the USA-style craft attitude, but why specifically "punk"?

"The way Jimmy and I saw it," explains Dickie "is that the punks, the original punks, back in the 1970s were few in number.  But they had massive publicity and influence that was really out of all proportion compared to how many of them there were.  What better way to get attention for a venture that would otherwise have been Craft Brewery Number 86 that year?" So, it actually was about attention-seeking, as some commentators back then claimed?  "Look, you could have hardly got two guys who were less 'punk' than me and James.  We were graduates in Brewing & Distilling and Economics & Law.  So in a way it probably was  an affectation, yes".

Entirely authentic it may not have been, but BrewDog was extremely successful from a standing start.  Based on it's three basic beers, the red ale 5AM Saint, the American-style ale Dead Pony Club and the India Pale Ale Punk IPA, Watt and Dickie became the most visible manifestation of the new UK craft brewery movement.  The Baron continued "Those three made the most inroads.  We did a few beers that were reasonably successful too, like Hardcore IPA which was Punk but with more alcohol, and Libertine which was a stout with some other stuff.  But our three classics were the ones you could buy in your local supermarket."

"We also did other brews which were strictly for publicity purposes.  Someone once said these were 'bullshit beers' and to be honest they weren't far wrong.  When you use ice-distillation to make a 48% abv beer, or stick a limited edition bottle inside a dead squirrel skin it's only going to be for promotional purposes, isn't it?  Jimmy cooked up some bumph for the press about pushing back the frontiers of craft experimentation, but I don't think anyone really believed it."

With national distribution of it's beers, an ever-expanding chain of craft beer bars and almost constant press coverage, by 2014 the world seemed to be BrewDog's Oyster Barrel Conditioned Stout.  Where does Lord Dickie think it all started to go wrong?

"To keep up with demand, we'd opened a newer, much larger brewery next to the old one.  We kept the old one for experiments and tours to show bloggers and trade people how weren't the typical microbrewery, but in the end we closed it and sold the land for development.  I think the soul of BrewDog began to die at that point."  Indeed, with it's capitalisation by share issues, expanding turnover and profits and increasing presence via shops and bars in major cities, the "beer by punks" image was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain.

Dickie goes on "Looking back, I can see it was inevitable.  The whole thing was so easily thought up and put together that it was only a matter of time before other breweries started to copy us like we did to Stone.  The Hardknotts of the world and all those places that grew out of railway arches in London.  They wanted a piece of the action too."

And then the great 2016 Hop Crisis arrived.  There were so many craft breweries putting so many New World hops into so many beers that demand for them vastly overstretched supply.  Prices of such craft staples as Cascade, Citra and Centennial doubled.  Then trebled and increased four, five and even six-fold.  A lot of breweries went under at this point, or switched to much-maligned English-style ales.  BrewDog at this point was big enough to absorb the costs, but their shrinking margins made them vulnerable.

What happened next is detailed by Lord Dickie.  The sorrow in his voice is unmistakeable.  "In spring 2020, we had a big offer from Diageo [a producer of spirits with a large presence in Scotland at the time].  They'd seen the increase in interest in craft beer and were worried they'd missed the boat.  There was only so much you could do with a brand like Guinness.  It was a very large offer.  I was minded to accept, but Jimmy wanted to carry on doing the publicity stunts.  We fell out, to put it bluntly.  Diageo made such a good offer to all those small shareholders that I conceded defeat, and James sold up in disgust."

"Diageo made promises about keeping the integrity of the company intact.  Of course, they didn't keep them."
--------

Fourteen years later, the former BrewDog Brewery, now Diageo Brewing Plant North East Scotland 2, makes lager mainly for the Scottish market.   You can still see Punk IPA and 5AM Saint at your local supermarket, but they are made elsewhere, contracted out to medium-sized breweries in England.  Dickie himself is lost to the brewing industry "I tried to get back in, but the bottom had fallen out of Craft Beer market by that time.  Fashions change.  I had this house built, and retired to it to gaze wistfully out to the North Sea."

"I'm glad I did it.   It was short-lived, but we had fun and made some money.  For a while, the world knew who James Watt and, yes, Martin Dickie were."

------
Postscript : After the publication of this article, a friend of Baron Dickie's contacted the author.  We will let their words speak for themselves :

"We've been worried about Martin for a while.  He kept talking about being yesterday's man and how nobody was interested in him any more.  But your article gave him the biggest fillip he'd had in years.  People were paying attention again! I'm not saying anything, but we did find a brewing equipment catalogue on his coffee table last week...."

For Boak & Bailey's #beerylongreads

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Beer and Food Matching Fanny Style

This is my attempt at one of those "foodie" posts that beer bloggers make to make it look as though they're not bizarre drunks express their culinary prowess and show they're not one-dimensional as far as degustation goes.

It's my parents' 40th wedding anniversary in a year.  And what better thing to do than lay-on a 70s-style buffet to take them back to their youth.  But where do you find such...umm...interesting recipes?  Fanny Cradock was notorious for such over-decorated, garishly coloured and pretentiously named creations, and thankfully someone else is going through her works so I can see the results without having to try them myself first.

I saw a photo on Flickr, and decided to attempt the dish myself.  As far as I know it has no name, but I (and Google Translate) call it "Oeufs bleus avec mayonnaise à la moutarde et le poivre de Cayenne"

Method

Hard boil six medium-size eggs. Drink a can of Dead Pony Club while waiting.

Cool eggs in ice water bath. Use any excess ice for a large gin and tonic.

Shell eggs and cut in half. Put yolks on a separate bowl. Be careful not to get bits of shell or yolk in G&T.

 Put eggs in blue coloured water. Have an Adnams Innovation while you're waiting for them to blue up.

Mix up yolks, Mayo, cayenne pepper, mustard and salt until creamy. Best put the drinks down too.


If you find they're still not blue enough after 45 mins, play the ukulele at them until they are.

 As blue as they'll get. Celebrate with another Dead Pony Club.

Stick all the yolk Mayo stuff into the piping bag and finish off the Dead Pony.

Pipe the mixture into the blue egg halves. Make sure you have a double whisky available to steady your hands and nerves.

And there you have it. Blue Evil Eggs. Thornbridge Jaipur garnish optional.

Thankfully, you'll now be so drunk that this will look like a good meal.


To be honest, I didn't really like the texture of these much. Needs to go with something crunchy to offset the slight rubbery nature of the eggs and the gloopiness of the filling.  But they'd  look perfectly at home in a gaudy technicolor 70s buffet.  Thankfully, Fanny Cradock is now dead, and cannot eviscerate me in public for poor piping technique.  Next stop - Green Mashed Potato!

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Craft in a Box

There have been ructions in Crafty Land in recent times.  Forked by the twin prongs of Wetherspoon's selling Sixpoint in cans and BrewDog promoting their own self-serving definition of "Craft Beer", the Crafties have been opining that Craft Ain't What It Used To Be.

But was "Craft" ever what it supposedly was?  The more self-conscious British microbreweries have taken their cues from The USA's craft scene.  Unfortunately, the typical American definition of a craft brewery would apply to every UK brewer from Greene King downwards.  Not the sort of image Martin Dickie and James Watt would want to promote.

Forget the "shedload of hops and made in buckets" type definitions - "Craft" is not really a style of beer.  It's nothing more or less than a marketing term.  Yes, the BrewDogs of this world want nothing else but your cash.  "Craft" is merely something they have seized upon to relieve you of it.  Needless to say they would be making Temperance Cordials or, god help us, Watney's Red Barrel if they thought they could make more money that way.
"Build Your Own Craft Bar Kit - only £250,000"
The whole Craft scene in the UK is startlingly uniform.  Ever been to a Craft Beer bar? All high stools, slate floors and reclaimed bricks (or in BrewDog's bars case, probably brand new bricks painstakingly chipped and randomly whitewashed to look reclaimed). These are the visual cues that tell you what to expect.  And you're all the better a person for enduring the discomfort for the sake of better beer.

"Craft" beer never was.  There is merely great,  good, ok, crap and awful beer.  The rest is just window dressing.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Session #80 - Is Craft Beer A Bubble?

The hit-garnering antics of the The Session continue with the latest entry - Is Craft Beer A Bubble?

While this does conjure up some amusing images, I presume they mean the possibility that 'craft beer' is, at the moment, fashionable but may not be so forever.

At the moment, it seems that every man and his ironically-bearded dog are starting their own craft brewery, while pubs are disappearing from the UK like Rolf Harris's future career.  The question is, at what point in the future will these events meet in the middle?  Will there one day even be more breweries than actual pubs?

Craft beer is, of course, a growing industry.  To whom it is growing to is another thing. A look at the list of BrewDog's bars is a good indicator as any where it's most popular at the moment.  In the main, these are urban enclaves with a reasonably large amount of fashion-conscious and wealthy young people. And Nottingham.  I went to BrewDog Camden myself a couple of months back, and it was certainly busy for a Sunday evening.  I was probably also one of the oldest people there.  I am 37.
The Craft Beer Bubble claims another victim
Craft Beer, at the moment, is aimed and priced at a certain type of consumer.  Presumably the rest prefer or are seen to prefer swigging their Boring Brown Beer or CorporoCarbonated lager-type beverages.  You will struggle to find Craft in any town that isn't fashionable.  I doubt there will ever be a BrewDog Stoke or a BrewDog Barnsley.  Even Lancaster, a city with a major university, only has two places that can reasonably be described as "Craft Beer Bars".

What happens to Craft Beer after this is anyone's guess.  Apparently, Wetherspoon's are starting to stock Craft.  This is an interesting move, and we'll have to wait and see if it expands.  It could be that regular drinkers are desperate for something better than John Smith's or Becks.  Or, on the other hand, they could be quite content with their regular drinks and see Craft Beer as poncy and pretentious.

As Zhou Enlai said about the consequences of The French Revolution, it is too early to tell.  I can't see a major brewery elimination disaster, as surely the crappy economy of the UK would have finished a lot off already had things been that bad.  Beer volumes are of course declining, but perhaps the profitability of what beer is sold is increasing?  Who knows.

The Crafties will always have their Craft.  It remains to be seen if anyone else wants it.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Euston Tapping and Evil Keg Paradise

I've been on holiday.  You may have noticed the lack of posts here.  Or maybe you were grateful for my lack of snide remarks about Crafties and Beards. Anyway, when I wasn't being shouted at in Wales, making bizarrely incoherent whisky-laden speeches, or throwing up in my £125-per-night hotel room toilet, I was trundling around London visiting some local beer places.

The first place I went to was the Euston Tap, helpfully just round the corner from the aforementioned hotel room.  Just to prove I was not desperate for refreshment I waited a whole ten minutes after opening time before going in.  I bought a pint of the Finest Cask and, if any reminder were needed, it told me I was not in the North any more.
I sipped my headless pint slowly, as my other hotel in Islington wasn't due to be checked into until 2pm.  I sat there and watched the intermittent rain and Swedish tourists while listening to the 60s girl group music playing over the speakers. Sadly, the barstaff were about 20 and had to ask me who the "mad producer who shot someone" was.  Given the playlist, I said Phil Spector.  They seemed satisfied, probably as they didn't know the Dixie Cups tracks playing were modern re-recordings.

After finding the Northern Line closed, I walked to my hotel, dumped the suitcase and headed off to BrewDog Camden.  This took me half an hour.  Still, it wasn't raining by now.   I found it easily enough.  It's not like you could miss the place.

I looked at the price list and was pleasantly surprised.  I had heard all kinds of horrible things about beer prices in London and the cost of BrewDog, and was expecting Punk IPA to be £6 a pint.   I went up to the compulsorily-bearded barman and ordered a half to settle my nerves.  I sat at an industrial themed table (concrete and girders) and looked around.  "It's not often," I thought "that I'm the oldest person in a pub."
Glancing through their characteristically restrained and subtle literature, I began to get the place's ethos.  Basically, if the Scientologists were to run a brewery and craft beer bar chain, this is what it would be like.  The proselytising about the one true way of craft.  The stinging denunciations of other brewers, depicted as both evil and banal.  The proclamations that Messrs. Watt and Dickie will save us all with their selection of hop and malt based beverages.  I have to say the beer was good, though.

I wondered who would be more offended - CAMRA, for one of their members entering the Den of Evil Keg, or BrewDog themselves for being infiltrated by a late-thirtysomething Beard.  The staff weren't complaining though.  Especially when I spent £27 on bottles to take back home to the craft-free land of Thwaites Wainwright.

Still, there was plenty of fun to be had.  Mainly by taunting my local craft beer barman friends with pictures of BrewDog Camden's tube-based beer/hop infusion device.  "You wouldn't like this place." I texted as I sipped my half of 7.2% Jackhammer.
I would go again to BrewDog, despite my reservations.  Just maybe at a less crowded and noisy time.  And maybe fewer hipsters.  A vain hope, probably, in Camden.