Thursday 10 September 2015

News in Brief #30

Watty knows what Craft is

BrewDog to Stop Stocking BrewDog Beer

This week, exponentially expanding Crafty bar operator BrewDog PLC has conducted a wide-ranging review of it's beer policy. "It's something we do regularly," pontificated posturing 'anti-businessman' James Watt "just to make certain what we stock meets certain standards of quality and artisan production."

"I looked down the list. Partizan, yeah. Kernel, yeah, Brew By Numbers, yeah. Then I saw we were stocking stuff by a company called BrewDog. Didn't know much about them to be honest. So I looked up their website and I was horrified."

"This so-called Craft Brewery seems to fund itself via deeply odd share issues and bond issues, while endlessly shouting about how rebellious and 'punk' it is. I read somewhere that this 'BrewDog' is valued at £300 million. Some punks!"

"I rang up every bar in our company and told them to tip all this 'BrewDog' beer into the nearest river.  We can't be seen selling such faux-Craft beer."

Local hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt told us while putting empties into the local bottle bank "BrewDog? Are they still a brewery"
STONCH Blog soon to be renamed "Ginger Beer"

STONCH Blog Announces New Contributor

Beer blog and perpetual controversy factory STONCH has announced the latest member of it's ever increasing writing team.

"I've been wanting to take a back seat on the blog for ages." rambled Stonch himself from underneath a huge pile of Moretti bottles. "So, while I've been getting more people in to do the writing, I've found I needed someone else to help coordinate their efforts."

Someone Else is former News Of The World editor Rebekah Brooks. "To be honest, when we found out we were all trembling with fear." confided STONCH writer Tinno Mackerel "We thought we'd be exposing Beer Communicators as paedophiles using phone hacking. But it's not happened. Yet."

But fellow STONCH scribe Benjy Broggovich admitted "After sending in a post about Harvey's Best, Rebekah did give me an awful phone call saying it was "Fucking shit and you can fucking stick this real ale shit up your fucking arse, you fucking shitty prick." "

"Though she does seem to be more polite than Stonch ever was."
Not a macrobrewery, yesterday

Lagunitas Boss Sells Company Over Corpse.

The Craft Beer world was rocked to it's Converse sneakers by the news this week that macrobrewer Heineken has purchased a 50% interest in California brewer Lagunitas.

"I know I said that I'd only sell out over my dead body." protested Brewery boss Tony Magee "But I'm not as hypocrite as you know."

Magee managed to buy an actual dead body of a Mexican illegal immigrant to sign the contract with the Dutch fizz factory. "They're ten a penny round here," laughed Magee "and we made sure we did the contracts in the walk in fridge."

Meanwhile, Lagunitas head brewery Summer Fourtwenty expressed his approval at the deal "Heineken, man" he murmered contentedly through half-closed eyes "That mean I can visit Amsterdam for business reasons on expenses."

"I wanna see the windmills and canals, man."


  1. "perpetual controversy factory" sounds like a great prog rock album.

  2. Anyone who's chinned Grant Mitchell would be welcome to work at STONCH

  3. Do you need a female contributor to even up the gender balance and crack down on the everyday sexism?

    Don't tell her she looks stunning, though ;-)

    1. Actually we have had a request from a female contributor to join our team - must get back to her

    2. Mudge will write you one whilst in a dress if you call him Betty.

    3. It will probably be a call to bring back female-only snugs.

    4. "Martha Longhurst? Did she die in vain?" Etc.