Monday 28 September 2015

News in Brief #31

A lower-than-average tab

Tab System Blamed for Consumer Debt

Figures released today by the National Office of Statistics revealed that three-quarters of the £1.4 trillion owed by UK consumers is held over on pub tills in lieu of payments for drinks.

Tavern habituee Bob Barfly admitted to us yesterday "I'd been in this pub a couple of times and paid up each time. Then on the third occasion I found myself 5p short for a pint. No worries, said the barman, we'll open a tab for you. You can pay for it later."

"That was 6 years ago," confessed Bob "and I've never paid for a drink since. There's new barstaff every time I go in, and they just keep adding to my tab as if they don't care or something. I dread to think what it adds up to."

Stereotypical pub landlord Barry Shortmeasure "It's true. Our ever growing tab amount is a problem. But I ignore it as my own personal tab here is about £10,000 now."

"Never mind. If the Pubco complain, I'll just abscond with the till and takings. That way they'll never find out."

How to blag and self-aggrandise, mainly

Blogger Announces "Be A Blogger" Event

Worried that there isn't anywhere near enough nonsense in the world already, long-time (since 2012) beer Blogger Sam Unselfaware is running his own event at his local Crafty Bar to show everyone how. Topics covered include :

  • "New Blog Post (1/16)" - Bombarding Twitter with links to your latest post, using different usernames and text to make it look different.
  • "You May Well Think That, But..." - Use of passive aggression towards Bloggers who disagree with you, the more minor and inconsequential points the better
  • "A Reasonable Place To Drink" - Damning bars and pubs with faint praise because they didn't treat you with "due deference" when you said you were the local blogger.
  • "But I Declared It!" - Maintaining a spurious air of fierce independence while accepting freebies from breweries and festivals. 

"Be A (Beer!) Blogger" will be held at the Elongating Gibbon, Shoreditch on 9th October. Tickets £19 or Free with a pint bought for Mr. Unselfaware.

Sad, tragic figures with nothing in their lives, yesterday

Regulars Declared Blight by Pub Campaigner

Man-who-wants-to-erase-the-last-60-years Mudgie Mudgington this week decried the influence of pub regulars on the licence trade "People think that pubgoers are a right laugh" he complained "but they're actually a load of sad bastards."

Mudgie went on "They sit there in the corner, drinking pint after pint of weak brown bitter, prattling on with their half-baked political views and memories about how things were better in 1972. Do they realise how boring they are?"

"Their families have deserted them, they have no jobs or lives. All they have to look forward to is dying in front of the TV and being eaten by their cats."

We asked Mudgie how he gained such expert knowledge on the subject "I've sat in the pub every night for the last eighteen years listening to them." he announced triumphantly.

"But I alternate the pubs I go to. So I don't count".


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Whatever happened to Curt Mattis? I liked that guy better.

  3. I think i'm most guilty of the "new blog post" twitter thing