Wednesday, 2 September 2015

News in Brief #29

Craft Beer despite obvious assumptions

Craft Brewer Announces New "Extreme" Beer

Habitual attention seekers and adders-of-weird-ingredient-to-disguise-flaws Random Brick Brewery today unveiled their new beer, which they claim pushes the Concept of Craft to the edge.

Head Brewer Damien Fixedgear proclaimed "Think we've gone past the 'Edge' this tome. We've fallen off this reality and entered a 4D world. Discerning Drinkers, I present our new beer - Maw Ale!"

Fixedgear pulled a pint of the 5% pale ale and explained further "We believe this is the first beer flavoured with actual fish guts. They provide a very clean taste, even though it has the strange effect of making the Ale transparent. But you can be rest assured this doesn't affect the flavour and the highest Craft Brewing standards were maintained in it's making."

Occasional London drinker and opacity detective Hamish McTand complained to us "Och, beer that's clear? How we goan know if it tastes right if we can see through it? This isnae Craft as I know it, boy."
Mudgie's locals, closed one by one

Pub Campaigner 'Denormalised'

Doom-monger and Fifties-preferrer Mudgie Mudgington this week blogged about his current pub situation. "I've been denormalised," he cried "I'm no longer allowed to enjoy the things I used to."

Mumbled Mudgie "Pub policies by both landlords and government have gone against my way of life. First they turned the music up, then they banned smoking. Then they replaced the brown bitter with golden ales. The last straw was when they did up the pubs in a 'contemporary style'. They've decided there's no place for me any more."

Nervously thumbing his copy of 'Niemoller for Dummies' he continued "First they came for the smokers, but I was not a smoker. Then they came for the poor, but I was not poor. Then they came for me because I have the odd pint and engage in anachronistic banter. And there was nobody to stand up for me."

"Probably because they'd all died of old age, but still..."

Preston Pub A Success Despite Banning Adults

The Mildred Lounge, Friargate, a town centre sticky monstrous hellhole today proclaimed record profits which its manager ascribed to it's new age policy.

Andy Twoshotsapound told us "We had been receiving a lot of complaints about overage people in the bar. I mean, who wants to hear a 25 year old talk about 'Work' or 'Meetings', and have them harass staff with demands for them to stop Facebooking on their mobiles and serve drinks?"

"Their endless toilet visits create a problem too. They go so often, and for so long, they block the bogs for their designed purpose - drug taking and quickies in the cubicles."

Ancient specimen, Tom Bewilder (27), begged to differ "Of course, in an ideal world, nobody would want people in their mid-twenties in a circuit bar, but sometimes I have to take my teenage staff somewhere they like and if I'm refused entry they it'll be them who suffer."

"Especially on the following Monday when I know they've had fun and I haven't."


  1. I should point out that the George & Dragon has since reopened. Also has no food and a strict over-18s policy, but is spoilt by having thousands of effing TV screens.

  2. Bang on as ever Matthew - great stuff. You must come down to Stockport or Manchester some time so we can have a pint or two