News in Brief #29

Craft Beer despite obvious assumptions

Craft Brewer Announces New "Extreme" Beer

Habitual attention seekers and adders-of-weird-ingredient-to-disguise-flaws Random Brick Brewery today unveiled their new beer, which they claim pushes the Concept of Craft to the edge.

Head Brewer Damien Fixedgear proclaimed "Think we've gone past the 'Edge' this tome. We've fallen off this reality and entered a 4D world. Discerning Drinkers, I present our new beer - Maw Ale!"

Fixedgear pulled a pint of the 5% pale ale and explained further "We believe this is the first beer flavoured with actual fish guts. They provide a very clean taste, even though it has the strange effect of making the Ale transparent. But you can be rest assured this doesn't affect the flavour and the highest Craft Brewing standards were maintained in it's making."

Occasional London drinker and opacity detective Hamish McTand complained to us "Och, beer that's clear? How we goan know if it tastes right if we can see through it? This isnae Craft as I know it, boy."

Mudgie's locals, closed one by one

Pub Campaigner 'Denormalised'

Doom-monger and Fifties-preferrer Mudgie Mudgington this week blogged about his current pub situation. "I've been denormalised," he cried "I'm no longer allowed to enjoy the things I used to."

Mumbled Mudgie "Pub policies by both landlords and government have gone against my way of life. First they turned the music up, then they banned smoking. Then they replaced the brown bitter with golden ales. The last straw was when they did up the pubs in a 'contemporary style'. They've decided there's no place for me any more."

Nervously thumbing his copy of 'Niemoller for Dummies' he continued "First they came for the smokers, but I was not a smoker. Then they came for the poor, but I was not poor. Then they came for me because I have the odd pint and engage in anachronistic banter. And there was nobody to stand up for me."

"Probably because they'd all died of old age, but still..."

Oooooooooooold

Preston Pub A Success Despite Banning Adults

The Mildred Lounge, Friargate, a town centre sticky monstrous hellhole today proclaimed record profits which its manager ascribed to it's new age policy.

Andy Twoshotsapound told us "We had been receiving a lot of complaints about overage people in the bar. I mean, who wants to hear a 25 year old talk about 'Work' or 'Meetings', and have them harass staff with demands for them to stop Facebooking on their mobiles and serve drinks?"

"Their endless toilet visits create a problem too. They go so often, and for so long, they block the bogs for their designed purpose - drug taking and quickies in the cubicles."

Ancient specimen, Tom Bewilder (27), begged to differ "Of course, in an ideal world, nobody would want people in their mid-twenties in a circuit bar, but sometimes I have to take my teenage staff somewhere they like and if I'm refused entry they it'll be them who suffer."

"Especially on the following Monday when I know they've had fun and I haven't."

News in Brief #10

Spesh To Be Sold in Wine Bottles

Soon to be a historical document

Non-dwelling itinerant favourite Carlsberg Special Brew has fallen foul of the Portman Group's new rules on alcohol units-per-container. Carslberg UK had been expected to either water it down or decrease the  can size. However, in a shock move, their marketing department has revealed a different plan.

"We thought," exclaimed PR man Damien Parasite ",'yeah, why not put it in a green 750ml glass bottle with a screwcap'. That way we can sell it to the middle classes as a fancy thing. And as everyone knows, it's OK to drink high ABV beverages as long as the right people do it in proper circumstances. Right? Posh people can't be problem drinkers surely?"

Homeless mentally-ill street drinker Harry Stringtrousers told us "Bah. Never mind. We've all found supermarket own-brand sherry is better value these days anyway."

Old Man Feels Uncomfortable in Craft Bar

"Your telomeres must be this long to enter"

In a hipster joint near you, lone middle agers are feeling slightly awkward.

"I came here because I heard there was a beer on I needed to tick off." complained 54 year old CAMRA member Greg Steakbake "But I couldn't find a padded seat. So I stood at the bar with my half surrounded by all these trendy young people who were talking about things I've never heard of."

"And why do they dress like that anyway? I'm surprised they can afford it with the prices of that craft keg stuff they buy. I was shuffling about on the slate floor wondering if I should have another and the bearded barman started offering me tasters of some fizzy overhopped nonsense. That was it for me. I had to leave before I died of embarrassment."

"It's almost as if the place wasn't aimed at my demographic or something."

Crafties Ditch Old Favourites

You sure they're not brewing Craft here already?

Crafty Hipster beer types are reported to have given up drinking their regular craft beer and are waiting for new ones to come out.

Interviewed today, hipster and general person cooler than you are Luke Lumberjack-Shirt burbled "I hear people are still drinking Thornbridge of all things. They been round for, like, ever. I personally think Beavertown and Weird Beard are no longer Craft because they opened up before 2013. I'm only drinking beer from breweries that started last week from now on."

"In fact, I'm going to camp outside this London railway arch until a new Craft Brewery opens inside it. Then I can claim they do the best beer, like, ever."

"At least for the next 20 minutes anyway."