Tuesday, 20 January 2015

News in Brief #10

Spesh To Be Sold in Wine Bottles

Soon to be a historical document
Non-dwelling itinerant favourite Carlsberg Special Brew has fallen foul of the Portman Group's new rules on alcohol units-per-container. Carslberg UK had been expected to either water it down or decrease the  can size. However, in a shock move, their marketing department has revealed a different plan.

"We thought," exclaimed PR man Damien Parasite ",'yeah, why not put it in a green 750ml glass bottle with a screwcap'. That way we can sell it to the middle classes as a fancy thing. And as everyone knows, it's OK to drink high ABV beverages as long as the right people do it in proper circumstances. Right? Posh people can't be problem drinkers surely?"

Homeless mentally-ill street drinker Harry Stringtrousers told us "Bah. Never mind. We've all found supermarket own-brand sherry is better value these days anyway."

Old Man Feels Uncomfortable in Craft Bar

"Your telomeres must be this long to enter"
In a hipster joint near you, lone middle agers are feeling slightly awkward.

"I came here because I heard there was a beer on I needed to tick off." complained 54 year old CAMRA member Greg Steakbake "But I couldn't find a padded seat. So I stood at the bar with my half surrounded by all these trendy young people who were talking about things I've never heard of."

"And why do they dress like that anyway? I'm surprised they can afford it with the prices of that craft keg stuff they buy. I was shuffling about on the slate floor wondering if I should have another and the bearded barman started offering me tasters of some fizzy overhopped nonsense. That was it for me. I had to leave before I died of embarrassment."

"It's almost as if the place wasn't aimed at my demographic or something."

Crafties Ditch Old Favourites

You sure they're not brewing Craft here already?
Crafty Hipster beer types are reported to have given up drinking their regular craft beer and are waiting for new ones to come out.

Interviewed today, hipster and general person cooler than you are Luke Lumberjack-Shirt burbled "I hear people are still drinking Thornbridge of all things. They been round for, like, ever. I personally think Beavertown and Weird Beard are no longer Craft because they opened up before 2013. I'm only drinking beer from breweries that started last week from now on."

"In fact, I'm going to camp outside this London railway arch until a new Craft Brewery opens inside it. Then I can claim they do the best beer, like, ever."

"At least for the next 20 minutes anyway."

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