Thursday, 2 April 2015

News in Brief #16

Who's your very best friend?
Beer Blogger House Condemned

Dry-yet-popular bloggers Bake and Bowley were made homeless today after they were forced to vacate by Environmental Health.

"I guess it started when we did that Orval blending project." said Bake  "We mixed everything with Orval. Old Peculier, Pride, Landlord, everything.  Christ knows how many bottles of the stuff we opened."

"Then a week later," pontificated Bowley "we wondered why our Goose Island IPA tasted funky. We knew something was off then. We tried everything - Doom Bar, Carlsberg, Red Bull. Even our toothbrushing water tasted suspiciously like cleaning out a horsebox"

In unison, they strangely continued "It's then we had the council test everything. The inspector told us it was the worst case of yeast infection she'd ever seen.  Personally we were happy being a source of constant brettanomyces infection, but the neighbours were starting to complain."

To get the rest of the story, we read their email newsletter : "We're fine. Living in a B&B. Will someone send cloudy saison?"

A great Victorian bloke. In more ways than one
Marston's will Buy your Town

As you sit in your local pub pub drinking your local beer, in Burton-on-Trent, a group of people are plotting to ruin your life.

"It starts subtly," admitted serial takeover merchant, Marston's CEO Mike Stavrosblofeld "we make an offer to do their beer cheaper than they can, what with economy of scale and everything. They think 'yeah, can save a bit here'. That's how it begins."

"We then negotiate to buy their brands. After all, we brew them already, right? We say, you concentrate on your pubs, we do the beer. Of course, we 'offer' them the chance to put Hobgoblin and Pedigree in them. Is it better or worse? Doesn't matter"

"Then we've got them by the balls. We stop brewing the old brewery's beer. Who needs these alleged 'local' brands, when they could drink our stuff that's brewed, after all, in the same place?"

"If only Watneys or Whitbread had thought of this 40 years ago. It's a wonder nobody's started a Campaign."

Flip left to right for future shareholder profit
BrewDog Post Record Profits

End user of hops and marketing company BrewDog have announced record profits for the year 2014-15.

"It's a good 70% up on last year" overenthused alleged brewer Martin Dickie. "We made a whole £42 in surplus. Our turnover may have been £29 million, but we've invested the rest in future growth. I'm sure all those Equity For Punks investors will be happy with our yearly dividend of two buttons, a piece of fluff and a lollipop.

"On the other hand," worried Dickie uncharacteristically "maybe the lollipop was a bad idea. It'll give all kinds of ideas to the haters and satirical websites out there."


  1. After their jaunts round the world you may be right about profits. Has anyone noticed the strange co-incidence of opening bars where Mr and Mrs D take their holidays?

  2. PS.I think your attack on Orval very unfair.