News In Brief #60

Pontifex = Font effects

CAMRA Pope Grants Indulgences

Due to the current sunny weather, beer drinkers have been found drinking icy cold lager in beer gardens around the country.  Not so the unfortunate members of the Campaign For Real Ale, who have been forced to traipse around provincial town centres looking for brown, weak and flavour-shy beer as part of an ill-advised "Mild Month of May".

Thankfully for these poor people, help is at hand from the top of the organisation itself.  "Let's face it," proclaimed CAMRA Pope Nonextraneous XII "nobody actually likes mild.  Why spend an hour grinding through a pint of watery piss when you could be doing the whole Ice Cold In Alex thing with a pilsner?  Though although we cannot approve the consumption of non-real beer, we at the top of the CAMRA hierarchy have arrived on a solution."

"Simply pay the small sum of two pounds to the local branch treasurer, and he will issue you with a permission slip, signed by me, allowing the member to drink one pint of lager.  If you're seen in a pub supping yellow fizz by other members and chastised for it, simply show them this bit of paper saying that your sin has been noted, but indulged."

Continued His Holiness "Due to this enlightened policy of Indulgences, this heatwave has nearly wiped out last year's budget deficit in our accounts.  Long may it continue!"

Knowing the facts so you don't have to

Craft Brewery Starts News Agency

After a fortnight of rumour-based unpleasantness, London-based brewery Random Brick has decided to take control of its news generations.  "After I read all those tweets and blog posts saying we're gearing up to be taken over by ABInBev, I was incensed!" ranted CEO Damien Fixedgear  "How dare these people have opinions contrary to what we think they should have!"

"So, to counteract this ill-informed nonsense, I've decided to set up the Random Brick News Agency, the funding source for which I will reveal soon.  Using this, we as a company will supply all the bloggers and internet commentators with the real story on what we're doing, which they will publish without amendment."

"And if they deviate from this," shouted Fixedgear "I'll send them a 'Cease & Desist' letter saying they're inviting legal action by potentially harming our business.  That'll teach them to just drink our beer and keep quiet."

Alleged Beer News Site editor and promulgator of stories Curt Mattis of Bud Gear Hunting was nonplussed "We'll go along with this.  As our, like, funding comes from similiar sources, we wouldn't want to jeapordise anything, dudes."

"WARNING - Excessive drinking causes high contrast pictures"

Beer Not Linked To Mental Health Problems, Say Drinkers

In the light of criticism from the inside of the Brewing Industy for it's lack of concern about the potential downsides of alcohol use, habitual pissheads have taken to the internet to say that drinking large amounts of beer in no way has any negative effects on mental health

Bowl food eater and Teku glass slurper Luke Lumberjack-Shirt was indignant about such suggestions "It's not true, man.  I do four or five bar openings and tasting events every day and as a result drink about 50 schooners of 7% craft beer a week.  And I'm, like, absolutely fine.  Those late night tweets about me hating myself and hangover induced apathy the following mornings are entirely normal among people in my sector of the industry,"

Meanwhile, rubicund-complexioned near-permanent tavern resident Bob Barfly also cast doubt on these reports "I've been coming to this pub for years for my daily 4 hour session of 6 pints of bitter.  It's part of my class's culture to socialise here.  In no way am I trying to avoid the emptiness of my home life and distance from my family by self-medicating with intoxicants that result in oblivion.  These so-called researchers know nothing, obviously.  Oh god, that's my wife ringing me now."

Campaigner and general drink-apologist Mudgie Mudgington was shown these reports and muttered something about needing more evidence before coming to conclusions before saying "Oh, look! A kitty!" and running off.

News in Brief #20

Finely crafted artisan lager (left) and macro fizzy filth (right)

Huge Lager Brewery Buys Small Lager Brewery

In massively surprising business news this week, a massive company has taken over a smaller one.

The Huge Lager Company Inc. purchased a controlling interest in the Small Lager Company in order to gain a couple of tenths of a percent of market share for £60 million. CEO of HLC Bill Rapacious Jr. exclaimed yesterday "This purchase will help the HLC gain much needed expertise. And of course Crafty Points, as we haven't actually increased sales since 2002. Nobody wants to be seen drinking tasteless yellow fizz water any more. Adding SLC to our portfolio will give us added fashionability. Even though our flagship products are basically the same."

Small Lager Company head brewer Sam Kegwasher rambled as if trying to convince himself "It was an easy decision to make. The additional investment that comes from our takeov...I mean, partnership with HLC will mean our future here is secured"

"At least until 6 months time when they order me to start using rice and hop extract in my beer. I'll leave then."

" 'Ere mate, need someone doin' in, reet?"

Sophisticate Bloggers Visit Flat Roof Pub

Didsbury residents and Craft Beer Bloggers Natasha Inglenook and Tarquin Laminate-Flooring continued their survey of Manchester's pubs last week with a visit to The Star and Sawnoff, Moss Side.

"We could tell we were welcome when we walked in," enthused Tarquin "as every eye in the pub was turned our way. I presume this was some kind of local greeting custom."

Natasha continued "Surprisingly, we found the Craft Keg was off. The barman affected not to know what it was when I ordered two pints of Cloudwater. What a card! We were glad to see a sense of humour prevails in such unpromising surroundings. We said two Stellas would be fine"

"After something called 'Karaoke Nite' finished," blathered Tarquin " We entered and even won some competition and won a platter of raw meat. One of the locals even offered to cut it up for us in the car park."

"Or at least that's what I think the brandished knife meant."

Even the Smiths only has three months life on it

Wetherspoons to Keep Out Undesirables

JD Wetherspoon today announced an amendment to their door policy to reduce the risk of "alcohol-fuelled disorder" in provincial town centres.

"Basically," announced cheap grog and fodder honcho Timbo Martin "we've empowered our door staff to refuse entry to, well, anyone whom they don't like the look of really. Travellers, drunks, desperate alcoholics, shuffling old men, people in shorts, CAMRA members, hipsters, women dressed in clothes twenty years too young for them, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists. The lot. Yeah."

Asked about the effect on business on the new policy, Timbo lamented "To be honest, our entire pub estate is deserted now. Except for me drinking Abbot in Watford. And even I had to wear a suit and tie to get in."

"By the way, know anyone who wants 2000 casks of real ale with one day left before it's expiry date?"

Lager than Life

Summer has raised its ugly head again, and travelling about as I do you see some interesting sights.  Wobbly cyclists on the A6 not wearing hi-vis. Shaven-headed men wearing nothing but khaki shorts and a pair of flip-flops.  But mostly people sitting outside. Sitting outside pubs. Sitting outside pubs drinking lager.

Much has been said about the British predilection for lager over the last 30 years. And not much of that has been positive. If there's on thing the Crafties and the Beards are united on, it's that lager is shit. Apparently people are idiots, and drink lager because they're told to by advertisers.  Lacking any refinement or culture, they swill down taste-free yellow fizz, unable or unwilling to consider consuming anything better.

But...what if these people actually like lager and, in fact, prefer it to other beers?

Britain has traditionally been a mild and bitter drinking nation. This is likely because that was what was available and most importantly cheapest at pubs.  Lager was there in pubs from 1900-60, but was generally imported and quite pricey.  But with advent of keg technology and cheap refrigeration, lager grew in popularity after that. Until we reach today, where 75% of all pub pints are lagers of some description.

People are not "idiots" for preferring lager. It's what they want. It could be said that lager is the ultimate in beers.  Clean, cold, crisp, and most of all consistent. Despite what your average Crafty would say, if you gave most beer drinkers a pint of Hopfuck, they would grimace and say "I can't drink that."

Snobbery does nobody any favours. I personally prefer beer with more flavour, but it ill-behoves me to criticise anybody for their choice of drinks.

Let There Be Beer?

Ah, those wonderful multinational macrobrewers.  They're worried about us Brits.  Well, actually, I doubt they give a toss about us.  But they're certainly worried about us not drinking enough beer.  Caught between the pincer of "Evil Binge Drink Britain" bad publicity and lack of disposable income, we're simply drinking less.  So, like a group otherwise warring feudal Lords, they have marshalled their efforts to confront the greater threat.  And the result - the new beer promotion campaign "Let There Be Beer".

Oh dear.  Where to start?

The name of this effort is an obvious allusion to the song, most famously done by Nat King Cole in 1961.  It seems the big brewers have realised beer has a somewhat unsophisticated image, and are trying to get people to associate with smooth, relaxed surroundings, possibly with jazz playing in the background.  Try and imagine this in your head - a sharp-suited, clean-shaven urban gentleman, and he's posing artfully with one arm resting against the bar, slighty smiling with his eyes half-closed.  And he's holding a pint of Peroni.  Yes, imagine that.  And does it work?

Pete Brown has numerous things to say about "Let There Be Beer".  As a former adwanker, his views are not to be taken lightly.  But his amusing take is that, as the campaign is run by corporo-lager makers, they've come together to simply make a larger scale version of the bloody lager ads we've been seeing for 35 years.  Why not promote the hip crafty end of the beer world - the one that's seen the most sector growth in the last decade?

I can see why they haven't.  It's all very well giving attention to microbrewed cask ale and craft keg IPAs, but where is the "average" consumer going to find this stuff?  Spoons will do a few, but most large towns have pubs that subsist (as always) on the local favourites.  How many "average" pubs have Oakham Citra or DarkStar Espresso on the pumps?  And even if your bewildered "average" beer drinker comes across, say, Thornbridge/Sierra Nevada Twin Peaks on a keg font, what is he or she going to think when the barman tells them it's £3 a half?  

No, the macros are going to push what they've been pushing at us for years, simply because it's easiest and has the most brand recognition.  As an aside, any long-term denizen of craft beer places will know what happens when an "average" drinker accidently wanders into one in search of refreshment - they will look up and down the bar, look horribly confused and say "Haven't you got any Smooth/Guinness/Fosters?".  The barstaff will try to suppress their hilarity as they try and sell the customer a selection of (to them) completely unfamiliar beers.

It's quite possible that beer itself is going through the process of "category realignment".  As the mainstream drinker deserts it for wine or gin or whatever, the beer market will be left to beardy casketeers and flat-cap and flannel shirt IPA hipsters.  Mass produced beer, such as it exists, will be an indistinguishable means to an end.

Beer, if not dying, is moving.  And no amount of efforts by the macrobrewers to set it in concrete will change that.

Old Beer Ads #7 - Hofmeister Lager (1983)

Lager was gaining popularity in the 80s, but had not yet succeeded in gaining the louty ascendancy it has today.  The big UK brewers wanted a slice of Carlsberg and Heineken's market and brewed their own brands along with getting the licences of "continental premium lagers".  In the belief that British drinkers preferred low-strength beers, most of these were rather low in ABV.  The business model was simple - knock up some adjunct-packed, flavour-free watery piss and bung a German-sounding name on it.  It worked for a time.

Hofmeister Lager was Scottish & Newcastle's attempt at this market.  For some reason, their ad agency cooked up commercials like this, starring cheek-faced bear George.  In an unlikely tale, here he leaves Bavaria to come to 1980s London in search of decent lager.  Yes, that's what I thought too.   These ads were stopped on the basis that a big, cuddly bear might entice children to drink.  How intoxicated the kiddywinks could have got on Hofmeister's 3.2% dishwater is open to debate.

The pissy-lager market is all but dead now, with only Skol of the major brands hanging on.  You can buy budget own-label supermarket lager, but at 2% what it's made from is anyone's guess.  Hofmeister itself died in 2003, an event so notable even the BBC website reported it.

One hopes that George himself was rescued by Animal Welfare, and was taken back to Germany.  He probably drinks Oettinger-Pils now.