Monday, 7 March 2016

News in Brief #40

Ambience Is More Important Than Choice? RIGHT?

Beer Free Pub Wins CAMRA Award

In it's latest headline-grabbing move, South East Grizedale CAMRA branch awarded it's quarterly Pub Of The Season award to the Pig's Bladder, a place that has not sold Ale since 1996.

Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake announced in the local magazine, Pints West "For too long, CAMRA branches have been hung up on how many real ales are available at pubs. We now look at how welcoming and hospitable pubs are, rather than sheer volume of choice"

"The Pig's Bladder has a well behaved middle aged clientele, lots of quiet corners for CAMRA Members to sit in, and is decorated in a suitably muted and shabby fashion. We decided it was an excellent place to escape our wives and families, which is why we joined."

"If it can do all that," triumphalised Steakbake "then who needs Real Ale? Or any drinks whatsoever."

Local campaigner and tightwad misery Mudgie Mudgington concurred "There's a B&M next door. So I just take in my close-to-BBD purchases in and drink while sat in my regular dark alcove"

"This is the future of pubs, I'm certain of that."

Who has roasts these days anyway?

Wetherspoons Axe Day Of The Week

Middling-to-low quality booze and food chain JD Wetherspoon this week rocked the pub industry by announcing they were abolishing one of the seven days of the week.

"Sunday has never done it for us." admitted Spoons figurehead Timbo Martin "It doesn't fit our business plan any more, to be honest."

"Let's face it, who comes into our pubs on Sundays? Middle aged men who have two pints at lunchtime and go home before their wives notice.  Families with kids who come in for food who always leave before dessert because the children are acting up. We've never made any money from them. So we're axing Sundays and going straight to Monday to sell more Burritos"

Spoons habitué Bob Barfly told us " I'm OK with this. I don't eat that day."

"The Jobcentre Plus isn't open Sundays anyway."
Craft? Craft isn't here and NEVER WAS

Craft Over

Due to the saturation of their market, Craft bars across the country are converting themselves back to normal pubs in an effort to erase the mistakes of history.

Former hipster hangout The King's Head, Islington (formerly The Fulminating Llama) this week was busy ripping out all the slate and girders and replacing it with dark wood and garish wallpaper. "It's the future, apparently." sadly opined manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"There's too much Craft in the world now.  People of had enough of hopfucks and weirdo beer with odd stuff in them. I'm converting all my Craft fonts to Smooth and Lager now. That's where the money is."

"In fact," confided Luke "I'm shaving off my beard and getting a buzz cut so I can look hard. All the hipster waistcoats and skinny jeans are going in the bin. I've got a wardrobe full of trackies and chunky jewellery now. It'll be awesome."

"I mean, it'll be bang tidy. Innit?"


  1. Most of the trackie bottoms on sale at JD these days though are quite tight and kinda tapered rather than baggy so they fit more like hipster-style jeans. And scouse scallies, instead of the more traditional close to the bone look, have been rocking "ketwigs" (an unkept, slightly over-long hairdo suggestive of having spent all ones money on ketamine rather than at the barbers) for at least a couple of years now. Man to pig and back again.

  2. In other news, the neighbouring branch of North-West Grizedale announced that their award would go to the Stuffed Squirrel, a new micro-pub next to the station in the hamlet of Crumplesholne. Chairman Brett Brett said “We have chosen the Stuffed Squirrel as it represents the bleeding edge of the contemporary craft beer scene, with at least twenty-five boundary-pushing cask beers available at all times, despite only having a licensed capacity of six”.

    Licensee Tarquin Featherstonehaugh added “We aim to attract a young, vibrant crowd, and therefore the only seating is on unicycles. We only serve beer in thirds, and aim for an average strength of at least 8.5%. Our policy is to exchange without demur any beer served to customers that, due to some awful mistake, comes out clear. We have made the positive choice to dispense entirely with toilets as nothing says ‘old man pub’ more clearly.”

    Local drinker Wilf McGallon was, however, not too impressed. “Seven quid for a third of fooking vinegar!” he grumbled. “Who does that bugger think he’s kidding? I’m off down to the Golden Bollock for my usual skinful of John Smiths!”