News in Brief #55

But look at the crowds, man!

Twitter Now IMBC Ticket Exchange

Over the last fortnight, beery-types Twitter feeds have consisted solely of people trying to either beg, exchange or sell off tickets to IndyManBeerCon.  "It's starting to become irritating," moaned insatiable internet user Sam Notarobot "someone even asked me if I had spare tickets to the Friday afternoon session just because I happened to be online at the time and mentioned beer."

"Surely there can't be that many people wanting to go?  I looked at the prices and it's bloody expensive.  You can get this so called 'craft' beer at many places in your average town centre now.  Even at your local supermarket.  I've no idea why so many people are so desperate to drink in Manchester swimming pool with one working toilet."

IndyMan organiser Byron Soretro admitted "Actually, it's just us moving tickets around ourselves.  We're doing it to make IndyMan look like some kind of exclusive, massively sought-after event, when it's really just four hundred hipsters getting pissed on overpriced and overhyped booze in a shabby and out of the way location."

"Works every year, though."

"With this thing I declare myself right! No comebacks!"

Beer Communicator Engages In Debate

In terrifying events this week, newly self-declared Beer Journalist Sam Cutandpaste this week replied to questions on Facebook.  "It all seemed so innocent at the time," he opined "Some dude asked me about the amount of beer sold in pubs declining as opposed to shops."

"I, like, answered and he disagreed with my views.  So we had a sensible, adult discussion about what were the factors behind it and though our opinions weren't changed that much we ended the conversation on good terms."

"I thought would end there,"continued Sam "but my fellow Communicator Annabelle Anthracite sent me an email saying that wasn't how I should do things.  Apparently I should have simply refused to engage with someone with contrary opinions and instead accused them of personally attacking me.  The internet is a 'safe space' and certain views should be 'no-platformed'.  Seems like an odd way to go about it, but that's how it's done it seems."

Acclaimed storyteller and bodacious beer bud Curt Mattis said  "Sam doesn't get it.  The whole point of Beer Communication is to make sure the paid Public Relations message gets across."

"Sorry, I mean, to tell the awesome story of your partner company."

History?  What history?

Pub Company Retrenches

This week, North West based Pubco and serial annoyer of customers and staff Austin's Inns announced plans to sell off it's entire estate of pubs.

"Pubs are on the way out." said Austin's Chairman John Woofer "there's far more money to be made in selling off the sites for housing or to be knocked down to build Old Folk's Homes.  The tricky bit is to do it without looking bad."

"What we usually do is paint the outside of the pub in cream and red fancy lettering and announce it's undergone a major refurbishment." gleefully recounted Woofer  "Then we post a couple of hundred fliers through nearby houses announcing this.  And when the upturn in trade doesn't come, we tell the Landlord that the business is unviable and we're moving him to another pub 35 miles away."

"My ambition is for this company to solely be an office sending accounts to Companies House every quarter.  So much easier than all this beer and hospitality nonsense.  Mind you, that doesn't mean we'll be completely abandoning our roots.  Would you like a whisky out of the drinks cabinet?"

"If you do, that'll be £7.30, please."

Expectation

To be fair, the Morrison's buyer doesn't seem to know much about beer either

I hate getting into arguments online.  No, really, I do.  All I really can easily handle is taking the piss out of something or somebody, being called a twat, and ending it there. As I've said before, I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea so undoubtedly more than a few people find me annoying. What I really don't like however, are those absolutely determined to grasp the wrong end of the stick and who proceed to bash you over the head with it.

The most recent incident happened on Monday.  It started trivially, as these things always do.  Basically, Moor Brewery have got permission to say their canned beer is "CAMRA Approved".  Something to do with secondary fermentation in the can, I believe.  I questioned what your average consumer would make of a can of beer pouring out cloudy.  One particularly well-known "Beer Communicator" replied that it was the job of the shop's staff to inform them that this was entirely normal.

As always with me, things escalated.  I asked the Communicator whether they themselves would expound their specialist beer knowledge for supermarket wages (usually minimum wage)? Naturally, they avoided the question and said that just because I was unhappy in my job it doesn't mean I should take it out on them.  What can you say to that?  Thankfully, I didn't have to, as they used the typical passive-aggressive tactic of saying they no longer wanted to discuss this further.

So, what kind of service should you expect in your average shop that sells beer?  Ideally, somewhere with a reasonably wide range would have someone reasonably knowledgeable on hand to say what the beer is like.  Unfortunately, outside specialist retail, this will very rarely be the case.

A supermarket these is staffed differently than how a lot of people imagine.    The majority of the work happens out of sight of the customer. The shelves are filled up during the night and early morning to minimise distraction and the workers are usually students on short-hours contracts (for flexibility reasons usually, older workers are usually filtered out because they have "commitments"). If there's anyone during the day, it's usually for cosmetic reasons, or to fill up the things that it's not possible to have an entire day's worth on the shelf at any one time.

So when a customer comes in and wants to know what beer or wine to buy, it will be difficult for staff to assist them in a pertinent way, even if there's anyone available to do so.  The best you will typically get is to be told what sells the most "so must be popular".  The days of having Specialist Licenced Department staff are pretty much over.  If you actually know a lot about drinks, you're unlikely to be prepared to work for what the supermarket trade will pay you.

As it happens, at the shop I work at, I'm known for knowing a bit about beer and spirits, so any queries about this inevitably end up directed to me.  To be honest, such things aren't really my job. I'm meant to be doing inventory management, date checking and pricing information.  But I go along and do it anyway, as it's easier to do that than to tell my colleagues "Piss off, I'm busy."

Such things are an exception.  In most places, you won't find anyone to explain why that can of Moor Revival was cloudier than you expected.  If you make enough of a fuss, you'll be given a refund.  But it's doubtful you'll be enlightened about the subtleties of unfiltered beer and can-conditioning.

With the advent of Craft Beer ranges in big shops, this will happen more and more often.  I can't see the retailers splashing out on specialised training for staff who could be used more "efficiently" filling shelves or manning the self-service till.  So, if you want knowledge, go to a specialist shop.  But don't complain you have to pay 33% more for the privilege.

News in Brief #47

Everyone likes us, and we don't care

Fashionable Breweries Now Beyond Criticism

This week, it has emerged that certain makers of beer are not allowed to experience the mildest of negative commentary from their consumers. "It's almost , like, we've built them up into some kind of irreproachable position or something." complained Craft content master and part-time barperson Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"I mean, I admit I spent three years saying everything that Beavertown and Cloudwater did were awesome, and told everyone to go and spend, like, vast amounts of money on their latest beers. But that's no reason for them to get all sensitive and set their social media acolytes on me."

"I mean, look at this tweet here. This person, @BrettSaison68 , told me I was a hipster into beer for poses and attention to get a future career. I mean, like, how rude."

Journalist Annabelle Anthracite said "Those who get paid to do a job should expect a certain level of criticism in a healthy society. It goes with the territory."

"But not Beer Communicators. We never get paid for anything."

Busy Monday in Craftyland

Customer Spotted in Craft Bar on Monday

Provincial town Craft Bar The Fobbing Keg, Loughborough today opened it's doors at midday as always. Assistant manager Samantha Emptychair sat herself behind the bar with her new George R.R Martin novel in expectation of a typical Monday afternoon.

But scarcely 90 minutes later, she was roused from her fantasy novel by the sound of the door. "I was shocked. This guy came in. And he ordered a drink."

"I never thought I'd ever see this." amazed Samantha "I was assured by the manager that the PubCo only kept this place open so they have somewhere acceptable to take clients to, as opposed to all the rest of their alcoholic codger-filled dump of an estate."

"I hope he doesn't stay too long. I want to finish this book by the end of my shift."

Impartial on the issues

Wetherspoons Holding Referendum

Value market targeted hospitality group and shelter for distressed souls JD Wetherspoon this week announced they were holding a Referendum on whether to secede from the United Kingdom. "For too long, we in this company have been under the thumb of UK law and it's endless restrictions." ranted empathetic employer and Chairman Timbo Martin.

"For instance, did you know I have to let my bar staff have a 15 minute break once every eight hours? And pay them £7.20 an hour in the admittedly unlikely event they're over 25? It's red tape like this that restricts our profitability and growth as a business."

"So, I've decided to ask my customers whether they would like their pub to leave the heavy legislative demands of the UK." ranted Timbo "And I've printed the Yes/No question on 6 million beer mats which I've had put on every table."

"My staff will collect them at the end of the night and chuck them in the appropriate bin depending on which box is ticked. Which I'll have weighed."

"I'll announce the winner at the next Seasonal Beer Festival. By which time I hope everyone will have forgotten. I'm sure my point of view will prevail anyway."

Near-permanent Spoons resident Bob Cirrhosis said "But I thought this place was independent of any standards of decency and decorum anyway?"

News in Brief #46

Violating social norms, yesterday

Man Sits on Own in Pub

This week, during a busy Bank Holiday weekend, a man aged approximately 40 years old was spotted sat on his own drinking beer.

Landlord of the Pig & Slurry, Slaithwaite Barry Shortmeasure recounted the evening's events in shocked tones "He walked in through the door and came up to the bar and ordered a pint of bitter. He paid for it and say down with it at a nearby table."

"I'd never seen him before in my life." continues Barry "I was expecting him to be really drunk and over-familiar with the regulars. Or even sexually harrass the barstaff and call me a fucking bastard when I told him to knock it off."

"But he just sat there, sipping his pint in silence. After 45 minutes he got up, said goodbye and left."

"I hope he doesn't come back." whispered Barry "He scares me."

"Mine's a vodka and Dandelion & Burdock"

Cask Abolished For Summer

Due to the unseasonable (for England anyway ) warm weather, pubs have been reporting a decline in real ale sales.

"It's most peculiar," confessed industry trend reporter Bob Obviousinfo "it's almost as if they prefer drinks that are cold and refreshing."

Ever vigilant to prevailing trends, the drinks producers have responded "Yeah, they're all churning out 'fruit' ciders or stuff you can mix with ice and vodka now." confessed Obviousinfo. "Cask is dead at the moment as fat old men with beards are staying at home as it's hot. Breweries are going bust too. "

Brown beer lover and pessimist Mudgie Mudgington ranted "I knew it. I said it would happen. Thank God for Sam Smith's and their keg bitter."

Disclosure : Stella and Becks are Wonderful

Communicator Announces New Working Methods

Content generator and newly self-proclaimed Beer Journalist Curt Mattis today told everyone how he would be working in future. "Integrity and ethics are dead, man. They don't pay the bills in 2016."

"I'm letting it known that I'll write about what I'm paid to write about. Friends, brewers, public relations people - send me your beers! It's more fun and cheaper than being critical about stuff!"

"Don't get me wrong, man, I'll disclose everything I receive from brewers, like this contract I have with SABMiller. I'm off to Europe tomorrow to do content for them. Everyone will will want to read it when it's done!"

Asked if he will be altering his inimitable style Curty retorted "Of course not! Beer is still awesome."

"It's just that some beers will be more awesome than others."

Professionalism, or The Role of the Blogger

Beer Bloggers. Making things harder for Reasons

What with the prevalence of Higher Educational qualifications amongst the young in the 21st century, there's been an increasing tendency to take something relatively simple and analyse it to death in order to convince others that it's serious and worthy subject of study. The beer blog, most specifically the "beer communicator" style of blog, is the most obvious manifestation of this.

If, as Chris Hall says here, 2015 was the turning point in the world of beer Bloggery, with an increase in the quality of debate and the subjects being discussed, what of the "hobby blogger "? There are some blogs out there, and we know which they are, which the authors' intentions go "professional" are blatant. The ambition isn't just naked, it's stripped off in the stand and is running around the pitch with its cock waving about.

The blogs of the already professional beer writers, infrequent as they are due to commitments, can be filtered easily. These people have a living to make, and cannot be seen to be too critical, or overly engage their teeth to the feeding hand. These types tend to avoid specifics about producers or suppliers, unless they know for certain there'll be no comeback.

The "beer communicator' blog is different, and thus harder to judge. They need to get their writing and, more importantly, their intentions 'out there'.  Contacts need to be made, relationships built, so that interaction between communicator and producer is mutually beneficial. If not today, then at some point in the future.  Beer journalism, for want of a better term, pays buttons. What living there is is dependent on the largesse of bars and brewers. This is the thinking behind the oft-quoted quip "beer people are good people".  A simplification, yes, but a necessary one for the functioning of the breed.

I'm not suggesting the Beer Communicators are corrupted by freebies and contacts, more that this is a natural result of interacting with the Trade. As Charlie Brooker once said, it's easy to slag off TV shows and their makers from behind a newspaper column, but when you have your own production company these people become your peers. And what do you say to them at parties? Such is the dilemma of the Beer Communicator.

If you want honest, unvarnished opinions then you have to go to the dedicated amateur blog. These are done for a desire for attention, a need to show off knowledge, or maybe even for fun. They may not be polished, or even coherent. But what you will get is honest opinions. Even if they are wrong. Or worse, contrary to received opinion.  It's usually unfair to say they are " trolls". After all, one person's trolling is another's contrarianism. It's easy to cry "Troll!" if others disagree with you online. But unless it's personally insulting, it probably isn't.

The question I would ask is : Do you consider beer a way to enjoy yourself, or something serious that needs to cogitated, discussed, and generally taken apart? What is to be gained from this, and who will be doing the gaining?

Beer isn't that complicated, really. For what reasons should it be complicated?

Guest Post - A Day in the Life of a Beer Communicator

Beer Communicators. Doing the hard work so you don't have to

Beer Communicators have been mentioned a lot recently. With the British Beer Writers awards naming it as an official award category, many people have been wondering what exactly a "Beer Communicator" is. Luckily, we here at Seeing The Lizards already know one of this esteemed breed. So, we've asked Simon Freebie-Imbiber to give us the lowdown on what this important sector of the Beer World gets up to.

"10.00am : Woke up with a killer hangover from last night's Craft Beer talk 'Takeovers : Threat, menace or opportunity?', but I'll carry on because I'm such a trooper. Made sure I tweeted saying so. One to Simon, I think.

12.30pm : Got involved in a Twitter argument about the terminology of my job. Apparently 'Beer Communicator' is self-regarding and pretentious, or so these haters say. Told them I was wonderful, and I know far more about it than they do. Then blocked them. Sorted.

3.30pm : First work of the day. Putting together a 'Freebie-Imbiber' box selection for a monthly beer club.  Worked out 10% commission on every one sold. Made sure I tweeted and FBd it. You know, just to make sure people are aware of my awesome choices.

6.00pm : At the local Craft Beer bar with various Brewing associates.  It's always good to go out with friends. Especially when they're buying the drinks!  One mate who owns a brewery even gave me a case of her latest IPA. 'You will mention my beer in your next column, after you've tried and liked it of course?' she said. I see no reason why not, myself.

9.00pm : Sat at the winner's table at the Beer Communicator's Awards Ceremony. Only the third this month too (note to self : have to improve this situation guys!).  The beer flowed, courtesy of the PR Company running it.  Pick up some glass thing. Silver Award or something. Am great, apparently. But everyone knew that already, duh!

11.45pm : Back home on the computer writing up today's events. Well, the Public have to be kept aware of the News that's going on, right? And if I have to drink pint after pint of free beer, then it's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make. Yes, it's a hard life as a Beer Communicator. "