Sunday 29 May 2016

News in Brief #46

Violating social norms, yesterday

Man Sits on Own in Pub

This week, during a busy Bank Holiday weekend, a man aged approximately 40 years old was spotted sat on his own drinking beer.

Landlord of the Pig & Slurry, Slaithwaite Barry Shortmeasure recounted the evening's events in shocked tones "He walked in through the door and came up to the bar and ordered a pint of bitter. He paid for it and say down with it at a nearby table."

"I'd never seen him before in my life." continues Barry "I was expecting him to be really drunk and over-familiar with the regulars. Or even sexually harrass the barstaff and call me a fucking bastard when I told him to knock it off."

"But he just sat there, sipping his pint in silence. After 45 minutes he got up, said goodbye and left."

"I hope he doesn't come back." whispered Barry "He scares me."

"Mine's a vodka and Dandelion & Burdock"

Cask Abolished For Summer

Due to the unseasonable (for England anyway ) warm weather, pubs have been reporting a decline in real ale sales.

"It's most peculiar," confessed industry trend reporter Bob Obviousinfo "it's almost as if they prefer drinks that are cold and refreshing."

Ever vigilant to prevailing trends, the drinks producers have responded "Yeah, they're all churning out 'fruit' ciders or stuff you can mix with ice and vodka now." confessed Obviousinfo. "Cask is dead at the moment as fat old men with beards are staying at home as it's hot. Breweries are going bust too. "

Brown beer lover and pessimist Mudgie Mudgington ranted "I knew it. I said it would happen. Thank God for Sam Smith's and their keg bitter."

Disclosure : Stella and Becks are Wonderful

Communicator Announces New Working Methods

Content generator and newly self-proclaimed Beer Journalist Curt Mattis today told everyone how he would be working in future. "Integrity and ethics are dead, man. They don't pay the bills in 2016."

"I'm letting it known that I'll write about what I'm paid to write about. Friends, brewers, public relations people - send me your beers! It's more fun and cheaper than being critical about stuff!"

"Don't get me wrong, man, I'll disclose everything I receive from brewers, like this contract I have with SABMiller. I'm off to Europe tomorrow to do content for them. Everyone will will want to read it when it's done!"

Asked if he will be altering his inimitable style Curty retorted "Of course not! Beer is still awesome."

"It's just that some beers will be more awesome than others."


  1. Alternatively, some beers will be more awful than others.

  2. Oh dear, I've been spotted in a pub. Reassuring to know that my presence strikes such fear into people. Maybe they think I'm Simon Everitt. I'm flattered that they think I'm only 40 :-)

    And rest assured that, in the absence of OBB, my favoured tipple in Sam's pubs is lager - Double Four, Taddy or Pure Brewed. That Sovereign keg bitter is muck.