Friday, 20 May 2016

News in Brief #45

The mark of quality

In Date Craft Beer Found in Pub Fridge

Last Sunday afternoon, infrequent drinker Sam Lightweight made an unusual journey to his local in Driffield. "I'd read about these Craft Beer things in the '10 to try' feature in Friday's I paper. So I went down to the Marquess of Anglesey down the road as I heard they had some."

"I went in and looked in the bar fridge and asked for a bottle of Chorlton Sandalwood. It was what they had most of."

"Anyway," continued Sam "I looked at the date on it and to my horror I found it was 24th June 2016. I went against everything I've been told about Craft bottles in pubs. Needless to say, I didn't get the authentic weird and musty taste, or even diarrhoea the following day."

Barry Shortmeasure, the pub's landlord "My fault for not checking, I suppose. Must have got a duff batch from Jimmy Clay's."

"They normally put reassuring post-dated stickers on them, I'm told."
Coming soon to a microbar near you. Frequently 

Town Centre Bar Redecorates

After having it's windows broken by drunken tossers for the fourteenth this year, plate glass riven shop conversion microbar The Dancing Tap is having a drastic redecoration.

Manager Mark Pilkington-Process said "Yeah, I was fed up with it. But had this amazing idea while the emergency glaziers were here patching the place up. Why not, like, have the whole place done out in Smartply? It'd be great and save so much time."

"So I bought 36 sheets of the stuff, and had all the windows, floors, tables, seats, bar and even the bloody handpulls made from it. We're like no micropub in the country now, man.'

"And if anybody tries to smash the place up now," said Mark with a big smile "they'll be poisoned by the formaldehyde fumes."

"It'll serve them right, the twats."

It'll have changed. At least for a while

Local CAMRA Chairman Disappointed With New Management

Last week, the Carpenters Arms in Birtle was taken over by a new management team. As is always the case, they promised great beer, a warm welcome and everlasting wonderfulness. And put it all on a big banner which they stuck above the pub door.

One person underwhelmed by these events, however, was local CAMRA bigwig Hamish McTand "Och, ah'd never go tae the place normally as ah heard it was shite. But ah had something to do nearby and needed a pint."

"Ah walked in, and they ignored me and carried awn cleaning and setting up the till or something, the bastards. Didnae say hello or anything. Drank the pint ah ordered and left. It isnae on. Ah told everybody on ma blog."

Newly-hired barman Tom Ullagefest told us "We'd heard about Mr. McTand and his exacting standards. We were hoping he wouldn't come in until at least our sparkler order had arrived. We can only apologise."

Asked why such a minor faux pas inspired such a reaction McTand said "Ah, though you wouldnae ken it, ah'm just a big sensitive bastard really."

"For a Scotsman, anyway."


  1. I'm told Hamish is secretly fond of cats. But I don't hold it against him 😸🐈

  2. Carringtons off-licence in Didsbury used to be notorious for the amount of out-of-date beers it stocked.

  3. No cats!

    I'm allergic to them.