Stab Factory

 

Social distancing par excellence

Remember the days when every man, woman, dog, cat and lesser spotted flycatcher had plans to open a micropub?  Seemed like back in 2018-19, they were closing small local shops and estate agents just so they could bung in a few tables, chairs and handpumps.  They were opening everywhere, and sometimes in locations which nobody could imagine such a business prospering in.

Now, Ashton-on-Ribble.  I really don't want to be too harsh on the place, as I used to work with several people who live there, but salubrious and well-heeled it is not.  If you see it mentioned in the local news outlets, it's unlikely to be for happy reasons.  But it had an empty shop unit, so a 'local entrepreneur' opened a micropub in it, during the otherwise unprosperous time of July 2020.  I checked it out at the time, note the 'micropub by numbers' decor and thought "Funny place to put it, but it should do ok as there's nothing like this round here."

I've often said that no matter what is attempted or intended upon opening, a new pub will quickly find its clientele and gravitate towards that.  And so it happened with the Tulketh Tap Room.  The signs that all was not well showed within a month or so of trading when it was reported for violating then-current rules on social distancing, something I also observed on my second (and to date, final) visit around this time.  Last summer, it even closed as it was having trouble getting customers to abide by the regs, though some were sceptical on how hard the owners were trying to ensure compliance.

Since the final scrapping of most COVID measures in July 2021, this obviously hasn't been an issue.  But issues are what keeps happening at Tulketh Tap.  If you talk to anyone about the place, you'll hear the tales of bar fights, lock-ins, drug dealing and mass brawls on the streets outside.  And most pub customers when upset with the service usually just complain to the management.  In Ashton, they put a molotov cocktail underneath the manager's car.

The local licencing authorities in Preston are not known for heavy handedness (if they were, probably half the pubs on Friargate would be on some kind of watch), but even they have had enough of the Tulketh Tap Room.  The licence is up for review, and few people in the know expect it to still be open next week.  And to be honest, it would not be missed.  It's not even the only micropub in the immediate area any more, though no doubt its existence has performed some kind of social service keeping certain characters out of the Tap End.

Though as the Tap End has been listed in the 2023 Good Beer Guide, the Tulketh Tap's probable closure has saved some unwary tickers an "interesting" experience if they haven't been following the Google Maps blue dot closely enough..

News in Brief #45

The mark of quality

In Date Craft Beer Found in Pub Fridge

Last Sunday afternoon, infrequent drinker Sam Lightweight made an unusual journey to his local in Driffield. "I'd read about these Craft Beer things in the '10 to try' feature in Friday's I paper. So I went down to the Marquess of Anglesey down the road as I heard they had some."

"I went in and looked in the bar fridge and asked for a bottle of Chorlton Sandalwood. It was what they had most of."

"Anyway," continued Sam "I looked at the date on it and to my horror I found it was 24th June 2016. I went against everything I've been told about Craft bottles in pubs. Needless to say, I didn't get the authentic weird and musty taste, or even diarrhoea the following day."

Barry Shortmeasure, the pub's landlord "My fault for not checking, I suppose. Must have got a duff batch from Jimmy Clay's."

"They normally put reassuring post-dated stickers on them, I'm told."

Coming soon to a microbar near you. Frequently 

Town Centre Bar Redecorates

After having it's windows broken by drunken tossers for the fourteenth this year, plate glass riven shop conversion microbar The Dancing Tap is having a drastic redecoration.

Manager Mark Pilkington-Process said "Yeah, I was fed up with it. But had this amazing idea while the emergency glaziers were here patching the place up. Why not, like, have the whole place done out in Smartply? It'd be great and save so much time."

"So I bought 36 sheets of the stuff, and had all the windows, floors, tables, seats, bar and even the bloody handpulls made from it. We're like no micropub in the country now, man.'

"And if anybody tries to smash the place up now," said Mark with a big smile "they'll be poisoned by the formaldehyde fumes."

"It'll serve them right, the twats."

It'll have changed. At least for a while

Local CAMRA Chairman Disappointed With New Management

Last week, the Carpenters Arms in Birtle was taken over by a new management team. As is always the case, they promised great beer, a warm welcome and everlasting wonderfulness. And put it all on a big banner which they stuck above the pub door.

One person underwhelmed by these events, however, was local CAMRA bigwig Hamish McTand "Och, ah'd never go tae the place normally as ah heard it was shite. But ah had something to do nearby and needed a pint."

"Ah walked in, and they ignored me and carried awn cleaning and setting up the till or something, the bastards. Didnae say hello or anything. Drank the pint ah ordered and left. It isnae on. Ah told everybody on ma blog."

Newly-hired barman Tom Ullagefest told us "We'd heard about Mr. McTand and his exacting standards. We were hoping he wouldn't come in until at least our sparkler order had arrived. We can only apologise."

Asked why such a minor faux pas inspired such a reaction McTand said "Ah, though you wouldnae ken it, ah'm just a big sensitive bastard really."

"For a Scotsman, anyway."

Drinking in the Panopticon

Artist's impression

You make not think that Preston is massively endowed in the coolness quotient, but that hasn't stopped the Council. Presently, they're engaged in an ongoing project to turn Lancaster Road (which it mostly owns) into hipster central.

They've given over the Guild Hall lease to a private developer who has turfed out most of the existing leaseholders to put in trendy bars, and given one of their buildings to Ham & Jam, the premier white-walled and low seated place to be seen in town. Walking down the street, the feeling is of a 'work in progress'. No doubt the sex shop and the Golden Cross (the roughest of rough pubs) will be the next to go.

The most recent addition to Lancaster Road is The Guild Ale House, Preston's entry in the micropub stakes. I went in last week and found it fairly typical of micropubs, except for the Beavertown Gamma Ray on Keg. "Local" beers, thick carpet, and lots of middle-aged men talking about the Real Ales.

The thing about micropubs is that they're a reaction against the clichéd "Craft Bar" ethos. Soft, rather than hard furnishings. Local Real Ales instead of Craft Keg from who knows where.  Grey haired, comfortably dressed men instead of self-aware and posing youngsters. Intimacy instead of echoey spaces.  What will happen when it's targeted clientele get too old to go out and drink is another question entirely.

Personally, micropubs do little for me. I find them like drinking in a Panopticon. Everyone can see and hear everything you do. They don't provide even the modicum of privacy that a regular pub or even a Wetherspoons can give you.

I'm sure it'll do well. I saw the local CAMRA Branch Treasurer in the GAH a week before opening, presumably negotiating the discount. So they'll be plenty of Real Ale Beardy Types in there. But as it's not open on my days off I'm unlikely to find out.