News In Brief #39

Soon to be in the 2017 Good Beer Guide

Shed Given ACV

Last week, South East Grizedale Borough Council declared a 6 x 8 Overlap Apex shed an Asset Of Community Value. The owner of the wooden construction, Greg Steakbake said "This is an amazing victory for those of us who want our heritage preserved."

"I myself," proclaimed Steakbake "have invested almost £500 in this building.  I've installed a second-hand woodworking bench to which I've screwed an Angram pump and connected up a cask of Black Sheep bitter. This is an important community hub. For me and my CAMRA committee mates to drink away from our wives and their ceaseless chatter, anyway"

We asked Greg what the criteria were for this being an asset to the wider community in his environs. "What? Those bastards? If they cared there's still be a pub in the village. They just sit at home watching Netflix and drinking Pinot. We never see them. The CAMRA committee is the only community left."

Local resident Samantha Locke-Dore told us "Pubs? How very 19th Century!"

"We're paid £5.90 an hour and don't care!"

Student Left In Charge for the Day

Dismally typical pub landlord, Barry Shortmeasure today left his pub in the sole control of his single member of staff, 19-year-old Gender Studies student Josh Muppetshow "It's half term, and the ex wants me to take our son to Alton Towers. It should be fine. I've left a job list for him." desperately self-reassured Shortmeasure.

"Man, cleaning?" whinged Josh "I, like, clean my flat once a month. Nothing needs cleaning in here. I'll just sit here and sample all the beer. Barry's got loads, man. He won't miss it."

By 6:30pm things had taken a turn for the worse. "There's nobody here but old codgers, man." he complained "And my mobile battery's run out and I left my charger at home and I'm, like, out of rollies. This is boring, man. There's nothing to do" as the empties piled up on the right of the bar.

"I'm gonna ask all my mates to come down, man. They won't buy any drinks as they spent all their cash on weed. But I'll just give them free drinks."

"If Barry, like, fires me, it doesn't matter. I start at Costa on Thursday"

"We love you and will wait FOREVER for beer!"

Crafties Organise Piss-Up in Brewery

In celebration of their 5th Birthday, North London Craft Brewery Random Brick announce a free entry party at their industrial estate based brewery in Edgeware.

"Yeah, I mean its a great thing" expostulated brewery owner Damien Fixedgear "Despite us only having room for twenty people and only having one toilet we thought, well, why the hell not. We owe our wonderful customers a great event to pay £4 a third for."

"Of course, the toilet failed after 45 minutes." commiserated Fixedgear "So I got an empty Keg, and told them to aim down the hole at the top. They loved it. Everyone said they really felt a part of the Craft Beer Revolution."

Luke Lumberjack-Shirt, a late-arriving punter among hundreds said "I knew I wasn't likely to get any beer, having got here 10 minutes after opening. But I just wanted to be part of this thing. Actually, I bought a can of Random Brick Quince Saison from some bloke who was flogging them out of a box."

"If nothing else," proclaimed Luke "the sheer amount of shivering, thirsty and disappointed customers stood in this car park just goes to show how awesome Craft Beer is."

Solving the Pub Crisis

Average Preston student pub, yesterday

Reading the latest issue of the local CAMRA magazine this week, it seems they have a new columnist.  Well, I thought, at least it'll mean less words devoted to the evils of "Zombeers".  When I actually read it, though, it was by a "Former Leisure Industry Consultant" giving his views on how to turn the ever-declining pub industry around.  One pub in Warrington, apparently, has opened its doors as a drop-in centre for young mothers and their children.  I imagined one well-known blogger choking on his pint of Unicorn if that ever happened in Stockport.

My own personal plan, as is ever the case with me, is idiosyncratic.  I came up with it after reading about the tribulations of Freshers' Week, an event where millions of young people leave their homes and move to another part of the country to live with strangers and gain a degree.

But I say, bollocks to all that.  If we want to save the pubs, I recommend a different course.  Instead of loaning 18-year-olds £5000 a year for course fees and accommodation just so they can "study" to get a lower second in Klingon Studies or Applied Playground Management, I say give them a bedsit and £5000 in state-issued pub vouchers, redeemable at any building with a premises license for on-site consumption.

Imagine - the pubs would be full of young people enjoying themselves during the day, rather than empty but for a couple of miserable old codgers quoting the Daily Mail.  Not only that, but the kids themselves would be socialising freely instead of pretending to read and underline passages in textbooks about the literary history of Faerie.  Which would at least be honest.

I say get rid of the pretence of education, and have more drinking and socialising.  It really would be the "best time of your life" then.