Sunday, 10 August 2014

News In Brief

Brewer Travels Across Atlantic
Different from regular Greene King, honest
 The Milkwaukee-based American chain bar company, Loefflen-Wetter plc. has recently started a program where British regional brewers are imported to US crafty brewers to make versions of their dogwash to sell to unsuspecting American drinkers.  It was reported that last week Henry Blandswill, head brewer at Greene King, arrived in California to brew an IPA clone at Stone Brewery. "Gee, man," said one bemused Stone assistant brewer "this beer certainly challenges my conception of IPAs. We asked Henry what hops he wanted and he appeared not to know what they were."

Dayton, Ohio barfly Buddy Griddleburner Jr. said from his beer encrusted stool in his local L-W bar while swigging down his eighth Miller Lite "Good to know you limeys can make tasteless crap too. Uncle Sam's influence is alive and well."

Beer Location Shocker
It actually happens, you know

North-Western family regional brewery and suppliers of cardboard-based beverages Lehybisons have this week been embroiled in scandal.  After bribing an agency drayman with a double whisky, our journalists revealed that Lehybisons beer is actually brewed on the the brewery premises rather than being contracted out to Marstons or Everards.  On being asked to comment, Managing Director Louis Lehybison-Smythe told us in his best Eton tones "We were hoping this wouldn't get out, but we would like to reassure our customers that the quality of our Real Ales has in no way been changed by brewing them here, rather than paying someone else to water down their Best Bitter and putting a different pumpclip on it."

A creaking septuageniarian CAMRA spokesman told Seeing The Lizards "It's the end of Regional Brewery practices as we know it.  They'll be bringing back Red Barrel next."

Meet The Brewer Event Goes Wrong
Crafties on the rampage, Wednesday

Idolatry-crazed Crafty Hipsters were left disappointed last Wednesday night at a Meet The Brewer Event at the Drowned Rat, Islington.  Expecting to try a selection of keg IPAs, Imperial Stouts and Saisons from Camden brewer Random Brick, they turned up to find that no beer was actually available.

Said brewer, Damien Fixedgear opined through his heavily tattooed beard "I'm sorry, dudes.  I've spent so much time on Twitter, Facebook, redesigning my labels and marketing stuff and preparing Meet The Brewer Events that I've not actually had time to brew any beer."

As the crowd started sullenly muttering they were going  to another Meet The Brewer event at the Keg Nozzle four doors away, Fixedgear said "Just to let you know, shares in Random Brick are available at £100 each. If I raise enough cash, I may be able to hire another member of staff.  I certainly wouldn't spend it on marketing bullshit or anything...."

The night was saved.  Many shares were sold.  And dozens of humulone-maddened idiots discerning beer lovers were delighted to have been part of the True Craft Beer Experience.

1 comment:

  1. And in the return salvo from across the pond, Craft Bud?