News in Brief #57

The healthy option is only 3000 calories

Obesity Epidemic Blamed on Pub Pizza

This week, Britain's problem with ever-increasing body weights has been revealed to be the fault of the phenomenon of pubs installing stone-baked pizza ovens.  "It's most peculiar," muttered newly-realised fatty Bob Barfly "I ordered a large margherita, ate it, and somehow gained three stone."

"Somehow, this massive pile of fat and starch has made me gain weight. Not sure of the exact mechanism,  but apparently it's something to do with calories."

Self-proclaimed pizza master and landlord Barry Shortmeasure stood by his wood-fired metal thing and said " This pizza thing is great. It ticks all the boxes for the desired food for drunks .  Here, try a slice of my latest creation - 'The Gutbucket'. It's got a half-inch of cheese, and is topped with bacon, lard, fried eggs and pies."

"There's no waste. I've found they even eat the box if I make them greasy enough

"Oh, well. Best order one of those, then . " confessed Bob. "I would leave, but I no longer fit through the door."

As used by astronauts for space navigation 

Massive Keg Font Declared Listed Building 

In inevitable news this week, an enormous branded drinks dispenser has been declared a building of architectural importance by English Heritage.

"I know this designation is somewhat atypical," admitted preservation type Roger Anachronism "But we think Grade II listing for a Heineken font in Slough is justified."

"The residents of the town have agreed. They spend more time in front of this edifice than any other. It's given more pleasure and made more money than any brutalist bus station.  People come from miles around to bask in it's lurid greeny glow."

"And unlike all those pubs we've listed," rambled Roger "this thing is unlikely to be demolished overnight.

Aren't you glad some things are the way they USED to be?

Trad Brewery Undergoes Modern Rebranding

In shocking events this week, the latest brewery to have a "contemporary makeover" has been announced as The Samuel Smith Old Brewery of Tadcaster. "We evaluated it's current look," pontificated marketing tosspot Guy Cokenwhores "and we realised it was, like, staid and boring."

"I mean, blackletter fonts are so 1970s, man. To me, it made me wonder if it was a brewery or an old heavy metal band. And that white rose logo. Clean lines? The kids don't do clean lines any more."

"So we've completely overhauled everything. All Sam Smith's branding will be in the FF Trixie and Gotham typefaces. And we've renamed all the beers for a 2010s audience. Nut Brown Ale is now called 'Hamster Love', and Yorkshire Stingo is now 'Glory Whole'."

Brewery owner HRW Smith was asked about this unexpected turn of events. "Yo blud. Call me 'MC Humpy S'. Got a beef wiv my cribs? Woddup ? "