Monday 4 July 2016

News in Brief #48

"We'll make sure nobody tells us things we don't want to hear"

CAMRA Revitalisation Continues Apace

Allegedly moribund consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale this week commended it's own success of its ongoing Revitalisation project. "Here at St. Albans we've been reading through all the submitted emails and leaflets," burbled CAMRA founder Michael Hardman "and we can now decide on a proper course of action."

"We've decided to appoint another ten people to the Revitalisation committee. Exciting times are ahead! Nothing says 'prompt decision making' more than extra members on a committee to discuss things." triumphalised Hardman.

"We've also sent emails to all the members inviting them to a meeting next week helpfully located 110 miles away and scheduled for 9am on a Saturday during railway works." continued Mikey "This goes to show how sensitive we are to the needs of the membership. "

South East Grizedale branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake told us "I've made sure our meeting is scheduled for April 2017, so hopefully this nonsense will all be forgotten by then. After that we can concentrate on the really important CAMRA business."

"Like slagging off craft beer in our local magazine."

Rewarding laziness and/or desperation

Barperson Gets Long Service Award

This Monday,  pub service operative Claire Glassbreaker was presented with a trophy celebrating her 6 weeks of employment at the Marquess of Hartington, a town centre pub in Wakefield. "It's a momentous occasion," shouted landlord Barry Shortmeasure "Nobody has ever stayed here so long."

"Normally I sack them before now for being rude to customers, or robbing drinks from the optics. Or they leave under a cloud of sexual harassment allegations. Or they just disappear one day and are never seen or heard of again."

"Claire is major asset to this pub. She never complains about rota changes or loses the keys or sits outside smoking rollies instead of cleaning the bar." congratulated Shortmeasure "I don't know what I'd do without her."

Meanwhile, Claire herself admitted quietly "The awards nice and stuff, but I haven't the heart to tell Barry I'm giving one day's notice tomorrow to go backpacking in Croatia. I'll be sorry to leave this wonderful place and all it's wonderful characters. "

"Actually, that's a lie. So long suckers! "

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Juncker? 

BREXIT Provokes Blogger Reaction

In the commotion created by the UK electorate's decision to leave the European Union, one group of voices has been hitherto ignored, that of Beer Bloggers.

Remainer and awesome dude Curt Mattis expressed his dismay at the results "It's, like, really awful man. I'm going to need to show my passport to people when I go to Europe to create content for my partner breweries."

"Not to mention that all my favourite beers I have shipped over from the USA and all those New World hops will be, like, really expensive now." cried Curty. "I'll probably have to start drinking English beer at Wetherspoons or something. It's awful!"

Happier about events was nostalgist Exiteer and pikestaff wielder Mudgie Mudgington "I heartily approve of this result. For too long, we in the UK have been told what to do by Brussels bureaucrats!"

"No longer will all the road signs have to display all the distances in kilometres, and I'll never be served 500ml of beer instead of a good old British Imperial pint!"

"Except at Sam Smiths of course, where they serve that and call it a pint anyway."

1 comment:

  1. It's got to the stage where I feel disappointed if you don't take the piss out of me :-)