Monday, 25 July 2016

News in Brief #50

"I'm going to battle and evolve these into empty glasses!"

Pokemon Just Want Quiet Drink

As Pokemon Go fever infests the country, pubs and bars are setting themselves up as Pokemon gyms and running PokePub crawls.  "This new thing is awesome," exclaimed Craft Bar owner and inveterate liar Luke Lumberjack-Shirt "All I have to do is, like, go on Facebook and say a Bulbasaur has been found in my till and these people who should know better come round and start buying drinks in an effort to capture it.  I've made thousands this weekend!"

Less happy about this are the Pokemon themselves.  19 year old Charmander Dave Smith told us "I spend all week running around this town based on GPS data, so I know this pub is quiet and can have a nice pint of lager on my break." he complained "But then the barmaid sees me on her mobile and tells everyone I'm here.  I have to hide in the smoking area and hope my flaming tail isn't noticed."

18-year-old Jigglypuff Katrina Brown concurred "Look, I don't want to do any fighting on my day off.  Evolving is all well and good, but sometimes I just want to sit down with a Pimms & lemonade on a hot day without some muppet walking up to me and waving their phone around.  I'd tell them to piss off, if I could only do it without inflating and drawing attention to myself."

We asked CAMRA traditionalist dinosaur and Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake about these events in the pub trade "What?  People wandering around town centres looking for unfamiliar things while ignoring everyone else?  They should come on on South East Grizedale's next Ticker Crawl."

"But I'll have to WAIT a bit LONGER!"

Campaigner Moans About Bar Blockers

This week, bemoaner of modernism and wannabe codger Mudgie Mudgington had yet another unsatisfactory experience in a local pub "I was at my monthly CAMRA meeting, because even I like to feel young sometimes.  Eventually, it was my turn to but the drinks but when I got there, there were these people in front of the bar,"

Continued Mudgie "I couldn't see what was on the pumps or anything.  Even though I was in a Wetherspoons so I knew that it would be Doom Bar, Ruddles, Abbot and a random local golden ale.  Still, these timewasters were just stood there.  It didn't look as they were buying drinks to me."

"Don't these people know," he ranted, warming to his task as usual "that you should just buy your drink and go to a table to sit alone in complete silence.  This "social" thing will be the death of pubs, I tell you.  What they should be doing is going and sitting at a suitable place where they can see everything that's going on in the pub and watching."

"That way, they'll have more things to tweet and blog about. Works for me."

Blah blah clue blah blah in title blah blah

Trade Magazine Mainly Just Ads

Licenced and Hospitality trade rag The Morning Advertiser this week has been revealed to be mostly just advertisments for Licenced and Hospitality trade products.
Media type and analysis wonk Bob Obviousinfo revealed his findings "I cut up all the pages of the latest issue and removed all the paid for ads.  Then I removed the 'sponsored content' as that's been paid for too.  And," he went on "after I'd taken out the stuff that was blatantly just rewritted press releases, I was left with just the opinion columns."

"Which were all just parochial, bitter rants against customer stupidity."

"So," disclosed Bob "It appears the Morning Advertiser is mainly paid for by commercial organisations wanting publicity for their products and services, which I'm sure you're aware is absolutely unheard of for a trade magazine.  This will revolutionise the entire industry, leading to more informative and impartial content and increased sales and interest!"

"Or perhaps not.  Whichever is easier and cheaper."