Monday 11 July 2016

News in Brief #49

You want beer as WELL? 

Craft Bar Actually Just Twitter Feed

Last Thursday evening, Crafty type and thrift store curator Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to look for new awesome place to go "I hadn't checked anything out for, like, hours so loads of places had probably opened since then." he enthused "So I pumped a few hashtags into Twitter regarding beer bars."

"I soon found this place that was in town, The Conferring Alpaca. They said they were putting on Hoppin' Frog Chocolate Bacon IPA on that minute.  Naturally, I rushed, like, straight over."

"But when I got to the address, it turned out to be a boarded-up dry cleaners." whined Luke "They exploited my trusting nature, man. It's terrible."

Owner of the @conferringalpaca feed Dave Flybynight admitted "It's all true. I had no idea you actually had to open a bar these days to do Craft beer."

"I think I'll say I'm putting Ballast Point Star Fruit and Turnip Saison on next. #awesomecraft #dudes."

Annoying the codgers makes it all worthwhile 

Child Goes To Pub

Last Sunday afternoon, a young couple were spotted taking their 6 year old daughter into the Earl of Effingham pub, Guiseley,  much to the ire of local CAMRA treasurer Greg Steakbake. "There's absolutely nothing for children in pubs.  These people are turning my local into a creche!" he ranted.

"If I wanted to spend time with children," continued Greg "I'd spend my time with my family instead of in here. Not that my son ever brings the grandchildren to see me.  Last week I was sat here and 'accidently' kicked a 3 year old who was running around, though his mother didn't see it that way. Idiots."

Trendy young parents Jocasta and Crispin Entitled retorted "Children are the future and should be nurtured and cherished,  and taken everywhere their parents go to experience an enriching adult environment. Anyway, just because we have children doesn't mean our lives are over."

Their daughter Madison added "I only 6 but I like going to the pub with mummy and daddy."

"I have to do this now. I heard there won't be any pubs left to go to by the time I'm 18."

Who needs Cornish independence? They've  taken over

Refurbished Estate Pub Not Selling Doom Bar

Hospitality industry watchers were this week shocked and horrified by the news emerging from pubco estate development job The Bull Tavern, Parbold. "I was astounded at the news." exclaimed reporter Bob Obviousinfo "I looked at the photos or the bar, and Sharps Doom Bar wasn't anywhere to be seen."

"It's doesn't make sense. They have a huge telly showing Sky Sports and a Jagermeister branded fridge. There are even bored young barstaff on their mobiles.  But there's no sign of tasteless brown Cornish filth." said Obviousinfo "This will shake the pub industry to it's core."

Landlord of the Bull, John Shaftedbypunch told us "Yeah, I know I could get it free.  But I'd have to mess about in the cellar and everything with it. My token 'real ale' option is just a cask of water with gravy browning in it. Much cheaper as I can make it in the kitchen. Nobody's complained."

"Mind you, nobody's tried it either. They don't drink cask here."

1 comment:

  1. If they don't drink cask, best to have something that doesn't go off quickly. Then it can continue to appear in the local CAMRA pub guide.