News in Brief #49

You want beer as WELL? 

Craft Bar Actually Just Twitter Feed

Last Thursday evening, Crafty type and thrift store curator Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to look for new awesome place to go "I hadn't checked anything out for, like, hours so loads of places had probably opened since then." he enthused "So I pumped a few hashtags into Twitter regarding beer bars."

"I soon found this place that was in town, The Conferring Alpaca. They said they were putting on Hoppin' Frog Chocolate Bacon IPA on that minute.  Naturally, I rushed, like, straight over."

"But when I got to the address, it turned out to be a boarded-up dry cleaners." whined Luke "They exploited my trusting nature, man. It's terrible."

Owner of the @conferringalpaca feed Dave Flybynight admitted "It's all true. I had no idea you actually had to open a bar these days to do Craft beer."

"I think I'll say I'm putting Ballast Point Star Fruit and Turnip Saison on next. #awesomecraft #dudes."

Annoying the codgers makes it all worthwhile 

Child Goes To Pub

Last Sunday afternoon, a young couple were spotted taking their 6 year old daughter into the Earl of Effingham pub, Guiseley,  much to the ire of local CAMRA treasurer Greg Steakbake. "There's absolutely nothing for children in pubs.  These people are turning my local into a creche!" he ranted.

"If I wanted to spend time with children," continued Greg "I'd spend my time with my family instead of in here. Not that my son ever brings the grandchildren to see me.  Last week I was sat here and 'accidently' kicked a 3 year old who was running around, though his mother didn't see it that way. Idiots."

Trendy young parents Jocasta and Crispin Entitled retorted "Children are the future and should be nurtured and cherished,  and taken everywhere their parents go to experience an enriching adult environment. Anyway, just because we have children doesn't mean our lives are over."

Their daughter Madison added "I only 6 but I like going to the pub with mummy and daddy."

"I have to do this now. I heard there won't be any pubs left to go to by the time I'm 18."

Who needs Cornish independence? They've  taken over

Refurbished Estate Pub Not Selling Doom Bar

Hospitality industry watchers were this week shocked and horrified by the news emerging from pubco estate development job The Bull Tavern, Parbold. "I was astounded at the news." exclaimed reporter Bob Obviousinfo "I looked at the photos or the bar, and Sharps Doom Bar wasn't anywhere to be seen."

"It's doesn't make sense. They have a huge telly showing Sky Sports and a Jagermeister branded fridge. There are even bored young barstaff on their mobiles.  But there's no sign of tasteless brown Cornish filth." said Obviousinfo "This will shake the pub industry to it's core."

Landlord of the Bull, John Shaftedbypunch told us "Yeah, I know I could get it free.  But I'd have to mess about in the cellar and everything with it. My token 'real ale' option is just a cask of water with gravy browning in it. Much cheaper as I can make it in the kitchen. Nobody's complained."

"Mind you, nobody's tried it either. They don't drink cask here."

Provenance

Notice the absence of "brewed by"

So, the alleged best selling cask ale turns out to have it's bottle equivalent brewed far, far away from where drinkers assumed? Colour me surprised, as they say.

Doom Bar, as any person with even reasonable discernment knows, is crap. But it has traded on being "Cornish", so those places that have flogged the bottles on this premise are a bit miffed.  It's really no different from what Thwaites have done with Wainwright, but Blackburn (a less romantic location than Rock, it has to be said) isn't plastered over the packaging in a similar way.

There's a long history of such duplicity in the drinks industry. Whisky is the drink with the most notorious reputation for it. Now, Scotch is always distilled and matured (for 3 years in an oak cask) in Scotland. By law it has to be. But with every other aspect, anything goes.

Take the whisky in front of me at this minute, Black Bottle. Now, this is a mid-range blend. It proclaims it's made to an old family recipe on the bottle. Now, I know that it uses a lot less peated malt in the blend than it did 5 years ago (their source of sufficiently cheap Islay has been cut off, presumably) . How old is this family recipe, I wonder?

The whisky industry is run on myth and legend, and it tries it's damnedest to hide the truth about itself in it's marketing material. The truth is that it's made industrially, by a very small workforce compared to even 40 years ago.  I went on the Aberlour tour in 2011, and there were more tour guides and shop staff than whisky makers (as I recall, it was one bloke next to the washbacks sat at a computer). One Islay distillery, Caol Ila, can apparently be run without a single person onsite.

Caution : Pay no attention to the industry behind this image

The whisky industry is 75% owned by 2 companies, Diageo and Pernod Ricard. Even those distileries that are not, and proclaim their independence are owned by companies based in places like Trinidad (Bunnahabhain), Japan (Bowmore) or Thailand (Old Pulteney).  One hitherto furiously independent Islay distillery, Bruichladdich, soon accepted a big enough offer from the French drinks giant Remy-Cointreau.

All the stuff about tradition, age old methods and heritage is bullshit. The reason the truth is never mentioned is because it destroys the image the Scotch industry has spent decades promoting.

That such things have reached the beer industry is no surprise. The only thing that's odd is that it's taken 2 years for Molson Coors/Sharp's antics to be made public.  Even the truth behind whisky is easily discovered if you care to look.  Beer, with it's more diverse locations and history of names being shuttled about between brewers, finds these things easier to hide it seems.

Enjoy your drinks, or even dislike them if appropriate. But don't think too hard about the actual provenance of the marketing behind them. You will, more than likely, be disappointed.