Wednesday, 17 June 2015

News in Brief #22

"But this shouldn't happen to people like me!"

First Craft Beer Hangover Reported

In shocking news this week, microbrewery brewed beer has been reported by a group of drinkers to cause ill-effects the morning after.

Flat white and moustache wax Emporium owner Luke Lumberjack-Shirt entered his local artisan hipster joint, The Prevaricating Ocelot for his regular Friday night tasting session as normal, but as he told us in between heaves "I woke up this next morning with a raging thirst, a headache and extreme nausea.  I can't understand how this happened.  I drink beer for the taste, not the effects."

"If I'd drunk macro lager, Guinness or Cheeky Vimtos, I could understand. But I only had 17 thirds of IPAs and Imperial Stouts at 6% and above.  At first I assumed the pulled pork in my baguette had been cooked for an insufficient amount of days, but the barman told me nobody else had reported any symptoms from that "

"I thought only poor people who binge drank got hangovers. My experience will change Craft Beer drinking forever."
Ban This Sick Filth

Dissident CAMRA Members Demand Rebate

A rebel group of youthful CAMRA activists have called the Central Committee to account about the money allocated to local branches for certain activities.

Mike Malcontent, 41, the spokesman for the group complained "I was in my local pub last Thursday night, when the Branch Chairman dropped off the latest edition of the local magazine. Being curious, naturally I flicked through it to see what the money was being spent on."

"I was horrified.  There were accounts of the Treasurer's piss-ups nearby towns, shoddy design and layouts and mildly sexist comic strips.   On glossy paper too. It must cost a fortune"

His drinking partner Miranda Unrealism continued "Of course, we're not the kind of people who would do content for this publication, but we certainly do not approve.  We've written to Colin Valentine to ask for a refund on our memberships of the money given to produce this...thing. Terrible."

Treasurer Greg Steakbake upon hearing this told us "Well, I can't find their membership details in my database, so I'm ignoring them."
Compatible with more people than AB positive

National Blood Service and Beer Industry Team Up

Following DarkStar Brewing's successful "Get free pint with every donation" scheme, the NBS have gone a step further in addressing the shortage in the blood stocks.

"We've decided to use Real Ale in transfusions and operations in place of blood." triumphalised NBS Head of Donor Services Bob Nosferatu. "Our labs have looked into it, and it seems ideal for our purposes."

"We got a sample from our local, and we could tell just by looking it that it was really thick, cloudy and flat.  It had a very high iron content too. Apparently it had been sat in the lines for two weeks."

But surely that amount of alcohol isn't safe in a healthcare situation. "Well, probably not." said Nosferatu "But frankly the NHS is in such a state that we reckoned the patients would prefer to be hammered when they woke up."

"If nothing else, it's take their minds off the dismal surroundings. Works for most pubs, apparently"


  1. Ah yes, but a craft hangover is far superior to the macro hangovers endured by the proles.

  2. Is that Matt Curtis at the head of this piece?

  3. Nice to see a magazine that I edited featured on your august web log.