The Lizards Guide To Surviving The Lockdown : Part One - Make Your Own Pub Experience

We in the UK have been holed up for 6 weeks now.  Everyone's done their best to amuse themselves - trying to bake that Instagrammable sourdough; watching Bob Ross paint on TV to assuage anxiety; randomly mixing the last few millilitres of all the drinks cabinet booze bottles in seach of cocktail epiphany.  But what everyone here really wants to do is to go down the pub.

Unfortunately, even if you were allowed past the top of your street, there are no open pubs to go to (unless, nudge nudge wink wink, you "know" somebody).  But never fear - in one of the gestures of community spirit and generosity that this blog is famous for, we at Seeing The Lizards are providing you with an instructional guide to make your own preferred pub experience without having to leave your property boundaries and risk being fined by the fuzz.  And remember, getting those subtle touches right only adds to the sense of authenticity, as is imagining the requisite atmosphere.

No thanks are required, just send Green Devil.

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Suburban Local - First of all, start up your hob and begin cooking four meals of clashing cuisines and set up a fan to blow the aromas into your living room.  Place random logs and semi-burnt out candles "artistically" round your fireplace and select Chicago's Greatest hits on Spotify.  After taking the cushion out of your armchair, sit down as low as possible while drinking a pint of cheap balsamic vinegar.  If you have small children, get them to run around squealing while squirting ketchup and mayonnaise over everything and everyone.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Hang unrelated pictures of sheep on the walls.

ATMOSPHERE : Tedious

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Micropub - Surely you have a few old pumpclips lying around.  Yes, that's it, stick them ALL on the walls.  Find the largest window in your house and put a table and chair next to it.  Command your pet dog to either sit there and demand treats or simply chew up all your belongings.  Decorate your table with old CAMRA magazines and a week's worth of the Daily Mirror.  Finally, install a large plasterboard wall smack in the middle of the room, at a stroke halving how much space you have move about in.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Drink a beer you've never seen before and never will again.

ATMOSPHERE : Claustrophobic

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J.D. Wetherspoon - Go to the garage and find all the old paint tins you have and tip them randomly all over the living room carpet.  When it's dry, mix up a batch of golden syrup and breadcrumbs and spread evenly on every flat surface.  Set up all the screens in the house to silent and subtitled, and tune into the snooker or BBC News 24.  Then go to your fridge where you keep your drinks and wait.  And wait.  And wait.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH : Read UKIP's 2015 Election leaflets while saying "At least it's cheap."

ATMOSPHERE : Disconcerting

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Brewery Tap - Is your lounge full of comfortable and tasteful soft furnishings?  Well, you won't be needing them, then.  Chuck the carpet, curtains and 3-piece suite into a skip outside.  Replace all your halogens and CFDs with a single 250 watt bare-filament lightbulb.  Install a single metal stool and patio table on the naked concrete floor and turn your air-conditioning up to full until the temperature is -2 degrees Celsius.  And remember to chill your drink to -10 to make it seem cold by comparison.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH : Use an old, rusty oil drum as the toilet.

ATMOSPHERE : Exclusive

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Samuel Smiths - Switch off all electronic devices and move everything invented after 1895 into the spare room.  Paint everything a fetching shade of burgundy and cover all brand names with a white rose.  Place passive-aggressive notices everywhere about things you are not allowed to do while here, and pretend you want to talk to everyone while wondering what's going on on Facebook and Instagram.  If you hear something you don't like, throw everyone out of the house, board up the windows and doors, and put a big rock on the driveway to prevent them from trying to get back in.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Sack your family and start legal proceedings against them.

ATMOSPHERE : Fearful