Thursday, 13 June 2013

The Beardy Bastard

Your friendly local CAMRA newsletter for Northwestcentral Lancashire.

Spring/Summer/Autumn 2013


Membership news

Not much happening as far as membership goes in this issue.  Still only 3 active members in our branch.  Come on you bastards, and get to the next committee meeting at the Cask & Condition next month.  I’m finding it increasingly hard to get my dog and cat to come each time to make the quorum.  Not to mention getting them to drink a pint of Scruttock’s Old Todger.

New Pub Report

It appears a new hostelry has opened in our area since I updated the last pub list.  It’s called The Clown’s Revenge Bar.  I went there to rate the ales and found they were selling their pints 2% under measure and 0.5 degrees too warm.  Needless to say, I have reported them to Cask Marque and am noting it here so our members don’t have to put up with such shoddiness.  I hope the place closes down, the twats.

Keg Is Evil

Reading the beer blogs recently, I see there have been arguments about a new category of beer called “craft keg”.  I’ve been a branch secretary for 35 years and have never heard the like.  I remember the days of Worthington E and Watney’s Red Barrel and don’t want to go back.  Apparently, these beers are of so-called “higher quality” than old keg.  But I say they are WORSE.  They are PRETENDING to be good beer which makes them WORSE than the tasteless fizzy keg of the 70s. If these new “craft beers” become popular, what’s to stop Big Brewers from marketing their smooth mild as “craft beer brewed with highest quality ingredients”?  Repeat after me - KEG IS EVIL AND MUST BE KILLED OFF LIKE THE DEAD BEER IT IS!  Do it NOW!   You’ll be sorry when in future there’s NO real ale, and you have to pay £8 for a pint of John Smiths.

Pub Closures

Several pubs have closed recently in our branch area.  I would name them but they were only student and chav pubs selling lager to louts and idiots.  Some would say that any pub closing and people losing their jobs is a tragedy, but I disagree.  Any so-called pub that sells chemical filth to morons deserves to close in my opinion. As long as MY favourite pubs which cater for decent people like CAMRA members stay open, then that’s fine and dandy.  Only real ale drinkers deserve to drink in public.  The rest of the bastards can sit at home in front of the football with their supermarket slab of Carling.

(the above is a cruel parody of the worst sort of CAMRA activism and should not be taken as representative of my views of CAMRA as a whole)


  1. No mention of zombeers in this months issue?

  2. I think "evil keg" is now more fashionable than "zombeers". Brings to mind a metal cylinder with a red nose, white face and frizzy hair. CAMRA could commision Stephen King to do a novel about it.

  3. Many years ago, an eccentric couple in my local branch of CAMRA did actually enrol their cat as a member of the Campaign and brought it along to branch meetings. Its name was Theakston Sebastian Splodge. I have no idea about its beer preferences, though.

  4. I think your only option, ML, is to move away from CAMRA Stereotypeland.

  5. Riley and his mates at Central Lancs seem to have toned down the Anti-Keg rhetoric. I even ordered some crafty stuff right in front of him at The Moorbrook and he didn't say a word.

    To tell the truth, I think, they prefer the branch being a "private club" where they don't need to acknowledge outsiders. When they turn up at The Moorbrook, they order their pints, go into one of the rooms and shut the door. Not exactly inclusive.

    I probably should barge in one day, membership card in one hand, pint of Magic Rock in the other saying "By heck, this Craft Keg's a bit good, innit." You'll know when I do it. The Lancashire Evening Post headline will be "Paisley Shirted Idiot Killed On A6 After Being Physically Thrown Out Of Pub"