Saturday 28 November 2015

News in Brief #34

Who needs a profit margin!

Brewer Possibly Not Ending Cask Beer Production

Sometime Brewer and desperate East Cumbrian beer huckster Bob Motte this week endlessly equivocated about whether to abandon his real Ale production line.

"Weeeeel," he said "we've been really committed to our cask beer over the last eight years but the market is dominated by other breweries churning out the stuff brewed down to a price rather than up to a quality."

"We'd make so much more money by switching to keg only. And putting it into bottles where we can sell the sediment as part of the price of a 330 ml rather than the pubs chucking it and claiming it back from me." he continued as if trying to convince people about something he'd already made his mind up on.

We asked Bob that, if he put it like that, why not just ditch the Real Ale as it seemed like a no-brainer. "Oh no, I can't. I have a load of orders from CAMRA Festivals over the next year."

"They always order what I consider to be the wrong beer. But their money's as good as anyone else's "

Hot and filthy furniture action

Pub Table Goes Unmolested All Day

Shocking news has emerged from the Cat & Tractor, a busy pub in Shrewsbury town centre. Upon tidying up after closing time, the pub staff found the furniture in exactly the same places as they were on opening at midday.

Four-legged square table Woody Flatsurface  complained "I've been stuck in this spot all day. It's as if nobody cares."

"Generally, hordes of idiot students come in and shove me up against that well fit circular bar table over there and spend hours nudging me up against it while consuming halves of Guinness as slowly as possible."

"And then afterwards I get roughly handled back into my original place three yards away. But today all I had was old codgers dumping their Smooth and Daily Mirror on me in between buggering off for a piss."

"My life is pretty boring." whinged Woody "Being grabbed, held and pushed is pretty much the only excitement I get."

Yeah, but it's not for the likes of you

Beer Communicator Says Takeovers Good Thing

Storyteller and Positivity Merchant Curt Mattis this week blogged that, yeah, maybe, this massive drinks companies buying up Craft breweries stuff  is a good thing after all.

"I was at this Macrobrewery-paid event," burbled Mattis "and was given this IPA from a micro they'd taken over. Of course it was nowhere near as a good as it used to be, but it was better than the alternatives I was offered."

"I drank it, if course, and maybe a few of those barrel aged Stouts they do. As I looked round the hall at my fellow Awesome Beer People, I had, like, this massive revelation. Maybe these buyouts of microbreweries by the big boys is a good thing after all "

"Put it like this," emphasised Curty "if big beer hadn't taken over this brewery, there wouldn't be events like this, and I wouldn't get this complimentary hospitality and free stuff. It's great!"

"The regular beers normal people buy won't be as good, of course. But I'll get to try the good stuff they can't afford. It's a win-win."

"Or something."


  1. Yes, students moving furniture. Why is it they always go to pubs in large groups, half of which probably don't buy a drink at all, and just take advantage of the free wi-fi?

    A couple of years ago I was in Montgomery's Tower, the more trendy of the two Shrewsbury Wetherspoons. I sat down at a table with four chairs, and put my coat and rucksack on one of them. A group of students sat down at the next-door table. More started to arrive, and they asked, politely, if they could take one of the empty chairs at my table, then the other.

    Then they asked if anyone was using the chair that my coat and rucksack were on. In retrospect, I should have replied "Yes, I am", but I let them take it. By this stage, I'd almost finished my pint, and moved on somewhere else, but if they'd been a bit more respectful I would probably have stayed for another.

  2. Blimey Mudgie, I've seen people barred out for putting a bag on a seat. You only rent one - for sitting on.

    1. A bag or coat on a seat is a nailed-on barring offence in the Dispensary, Liverpool, as is asking for a taster.

  3. I had a look at Bob Motte's blog t'other day. Seems not only does he moderate all the comments, but you also have to provide an authenticated identity. Absolutely no scope for disagreeing with him, esp. under a hilarious pseudonym.

  4. I was minding my own business one evening in the Marble Beerhouse, perched on one of four stools arranged around a (small, round) table. A couple came in, looked for a seat & then approached me - would I mind if they shared my table? I couldn't see any harm - and I wasn't planning on staying there all night - so I agreed, tuned out their conversation and got back to my paper. This worked for about five minutes, at which point a friend - who they'd clearly arranged to meet there - came in and bagged the third seat. The conversation rapidly got louder and more animated, and the elbowroom got scarce - particularly when two more friends rocked up and dragged over another two stools, to join the group merrily bumping elbows around a table the size of a dartboard. Or, in my case, not all that merrily. None of them acknowledged my existence, either.