Wednesday 23 December 2015

News in Brief #35

Yes, it's the PUBS that are to blame

Pub Staff Take Revenge for Mad Friday

This Monday, bar workers across the country used their last day off before Christmas to give everyone else the kind of grief they experienced from once-a-year pubgoers last week.

"I looked up this big stationery supplier on Google," chortled Alistair Smith of the Red Lion, Dewsbury "and made then talk me through every line of envelopes they stocked. Then after that, I asked for a size I knew they didn't do. When the poor sap at the end of the line told me this, I just hung up. Hilarious times."

Meanwhile, Katie Thompson from the Kings Arms, Devizes recounted "Me and the rest of the girls got slaughtered on Sambuca and went to the local supermarket for more. When we were refused the sale, we looked all hurt and asked the Checkout Manager where her 'Christmas Spirit' was. How we laughed!"

Blogger and defender of dubious causes Curt Mattis tweeted "These people keep everything going for the rest of the year, man. They have the right to do it. #awesome"

Probably not coming to a macro outlet near you soon

Craft Brewery Not Being Taken Over

Small town Industrial Unit-type Brewery Flower Garage this week denied they were considering being taken over by a major Brewing conglomerate. "I don't know," said head Brewer and owner Sam Happyenough "It doesn't seem to be really me somehow."

"I mean, I'm perfectly content making my four-beer range with my staff of two. I make a perfectly acceptable living doing what I do." rambled the despicably complacent brewer. "Do I really need a massive new brewery and a major supermarket presence to be fulfilled? I doubt it "

Happyenough continued in the foaming socialist manner of Jeremy Corbyn himself "If my brewery became part of a big company, what would happen to it? No doubt it would be OK for a while, but eventually business realities would bite and it would end up being economised on for the bottom line." We cut the interview off there, lest capitalist orthodoxy was traduced any more.

Right-wing realist and serial businessman Stonch reassured us "Howay man! Not in it for money? Money's lush, man. Divvent gan there with me."

Everyone loves them. Or else.

Xmas Beer Loved By Everyone

Beer drinkers everywhere this week have been cracking open those special Christmas ales they've spent the month buying and otherwise ignoring.

Domestic Ale consumer Bob Homeboozer cracked open his bottle of 10.5% Lehybison's Winter Ale and burbled "Eee, this is grand. I really love the dark treacly taste. And it's almost as thick, too. Takes a bit of swallowing, but I'm sure I won't feel nauseated after half of it."

Crafty hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt meanwhile was working his way through a case of cans of Random Brick Spiced Chocolate IPA. "It's awesome, man" bibbled Luke "and doesn't taste like they just bunged in the contents of the spice rack and a bar of Lindt 99%"

In the pubs, the local's regulars were equally enthusiastic. "This Christmas Ale is fantastic!" shouted functional alcoholic Bob Barfly "and certainly doesn't taste like the brewer has just put more caramel in the bitter to make it darker."

"I mean, look at the pumpclip. It has a reindeer and a Santa on it. What could be more true to the meaning of Christmas than that?"


  1. Surprised you didn't add "Miserablist BBB enthusiast Mudgie Mudgington grumbled 'These Christmas beers are all just BBB with extra caramel. I'll save my money, thank you very much. Pint of bitter please!'"

    1. I think that went without saying

    2. Yeah, no-ones arsed about you though mudge.

    3. And a Merry Christmas to you too :p

  2. A perfect Stonch piss-take, like :)

  3. Sorry. Where's the piss take bit?

  4. You could crowd fund options and get Mudge to buy the option of X number of piss taking mentions ;)