Monday 4 January 2016

News in Brief #36

But I made sure it was all from 3663 and everything

Pub Xmas Dinner Declared Edible

Christmas dining patrons and general lazy bastards at the Prince Octavius, Rotherham last week managed to consume nearly a whole plateful each of the pub's festive food offering.

Astonished landlord and Chef Barry Shortmeasure, "I did my best. I cooked the turkey to the texture of soggy wood, boiled the sprouts to ball-bearing hardness and made the 'cranberry' sauce out of vinegar, cochineal and gravy thickener."

"But I read on TripAdvisor on Boxing Day, and the punters rated it 'acceptable'. It's very dispiriting. I try my hardest to make my Xmas dinners inedible to minimise the number of covers and, most importantly, the work I have to do."

"The bastards will all be back next year now." cried Barry.

Local Health Inspector Martin Wipecleansurface told us "We at Environmental Standards were horrified by these reports. The last thing we want is people in pubs."

"We'll have them closed down in the New Year."

"I see it's got a CORK!"

Non-Alcoholic Drink Banned for Appealing to Kids

Overzealous busybody types Alcohol Concern this week condemned the makers of a Disney-licenced fruit juicedrink in a Champagne style bottle. "This is a terrible example of irresponsible marketing." exclaimed subsidised faux-charity type Vanessa Stickybeak.

"All those poor children will get this from their mums who shop at Home Bargains and think. 'This drink is nice. Maybe I'll try some of mummy's special juice drink when she's fallen asleep in front of the telly'."

"And what will happen then?" catastrophised Vanessa "I'll tell you, we'll have hundreds of drunken 10-year-olds roaming the streets, setting fire to dogs and cluttering up the pavements singing hip-hop songs about rape and murder."

13-year-old Jack Weede-Apathy countered, while necking MDMA and various legal highs and rolling his fourteenth spliff of the day "Booze? Why would I want that?"

"Isn't that what, like, really old people like Mum and Dad do?"

He'll never get his 5% surplus now

Brewery Owner Sacks God

Following the devastating floods in North Yorkshire, local despot and feudal Lord, Humphrey Smith of Samuel Smith Brewery, Tadcaster has again been on the rampage.

Heaven-based Judeo-Christian deity, God was dismissed from his position last Thursday by Mr.Smith. "I've been running this reality for over 8 billion years," complained God "And I've been turned out onto the street just like that."

"He turned up at St.Peter's Gates in his 2008 Vauxhall Astra, and shouted at me. Mr. Smith accused me of topping up the rivers well in excess of his guidelines. Then he slapped me with a £1 trillion surcharge for excess to compensate for the losses to his company."

"I've been sat in Purgatory for the last four days." complained God "I'm sure my contract says he can't do this, but Mr. Smith has yet to release a copy to my solicitor."

We asked Samuel Smith's Old Brewery to comment on the allegations, but as far have only received handwritten note saying "The Brewery does not comment on it's employment practice's, but we're sure we can do what we like anyway. HRW Smith. Esq"

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