Monday 18 January 2016

News in Brief #37

We don't need Beer and we're happy about it

Beer Fest Failure Blamed on New Limits

Last Saturday night, the 2016 Manchester Beery Fest closed with 85% of the beer still undrunk. The event's organisers have blamed new Government guidelines for the disappointing sales.

Deputy Fest Manager Hamish McTand sorrowfully recounted the four day disaster to us while tipping cask after cask into the River Irwell "Och, it looked guid when we let the bastards in on Wednesday afternoon. But after one pint, they all said 'Sorry, got tae go, as ah've had 2 units I'm allowed today'. It was awfy bad. We were empty by 6pm."

"Me and the rest of the volunteers would have finished the beer off," whispered McTand "But we'd blown our units quality checking. Intae the drain it goes, then."

Campaigner and freedom-wisher Mudgie Mudgington told us "Normally I'd spend all week condemning all involved on Twitter. But I picked up some cheap stuff at Home Bargains last week."

"Leave the house and go to Deansgate? Not bloody likely."

Coming soon to a pub near you. If you're really unlucky

Craft Fan Talks to People in Pub

"Oh, THAT beer? I saw it in the Bottle Cap in Southport last week. Much better kept of course. I'm friends with the owner. Great guy. Gives me lots of free samples of his strong stuff. What's that darling? He just wants rid of me? Pay no attention to her, she just doesn't like me drinking too much.

" Yeah, so me and the Bottle Cap's owner, Sam his name is, went on a tour of Random Brick down in London. Great times. Some people say their lager's no better than Foster's but they have a much better recipe. I'll give you one of my sample bottles they gave me next time you're in. You'll be able to tell the difference right?

"Tell you want, I'll have another pint of that Imperial IPA and a taster for my new friend, please Dave. What's that, darling? I've had enough today? I'll be the judge of that, darling. We'll talk about this when we we get home.

" Take no notice of her. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, you can really taste the Soriachi Ace hops in this, man. Sorry, man? Untappd says it's 100% Willamette?.... "

Diversity for the diverse, man

Bar Enacts Diversity Policy

Camden-located Hipster hangout The Bifurcating Bonobo last week congratulated itself in it's efforts to increase the diversity of it's patrons. Worried that it was gaining a reputation as a place exclusively for middle-class university-educated young white men, manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to change things.

"I was worried," confided Luke "that the drinks offer of beer at £6 for 2/3rds of a pint may not entice the working classes into my establishment. So I bought a case of Corona and stuck it in the bottom corner of the fridge. I heard the lower orders always look down so as to be humble in front of their betters."

Luke continued "Also knowing our entertainment offering of retro boardgames would be of little interest to them, I set up a TV in the backroom streaming episodes of Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother. I hear they're rapt by these things."

"In any event, it'll save me having to talk to them. I mean, what would I actually say to the working classes? It's embarrassing.  Hopefully they'll leave once we've taken a few photos to prove we're not a poncy, snob-filled place and put them on Twitter."

Communicator and passive-aggresivist Curt Mattis ranted upon hearing this news "It was me what started all this wasn't it? I'll take credit for it here, but delete my name off all subtweets on this #thanxkbye"


  1. I think I'll manage to drag myself off the sofa and out of the warm embrace of the Nursery, Griffin and Boar's Head to make an appearance at MCBF. But I'll be looking out for tasty low-gravity brown bitters.

  2. I had to look up Bifurcating so def not me who's educated and middle class.

  3. Imagine if you had to have your dick surgically bifurcated.